Disposable People

by MerryMagdalene 57 Replies latest jw friends

  • MerryMagdalene

    Since my mom decided she needed to put full shunning back into effect again (an unconscious New Year's resolution to be a better JW?), I've been ransacked by a whole bunch of emotions which have been gradually resolving into thoughts. This is only one of them:

    The sense of being completely disposable, expendable, replaceable. I've never exactly felt like I was worth much anyway. Don't have a well-honed skill to contribute to any particular community, am not much of a sociable people-person, I've made a lot of dumb-ass mistakes and done regrettably selfish things, and I'm not terribly witty or humorous or beautiful...

    And I don't know which came first, the chicken or the egg, but it seems to me that the JW belief system only promotes such feelings of insecurity (which can still linger long after one stops identifying oneself as a JW, especially if you're being shunned by your loving JW family). And I am not saying they are the only people with the only belief system that can have this effect, it's just the one I know best.

    They write off the majority of mankind as completely disposable, and then proceed to do the same thing with themselves (all but the anointed). This leads to ever-increasing desperate attempts to prove to God (and themselves/each other?) that they are worth saving. Or, sometimes, it leads to just plain giving up, and saying, "F*** it then. Kill me. Shun me. Whatever."

    I don't believe the way they do any more...but a strange and nasty residue from those beliefs still surfaces from time to time, like scum, and can be hard to wipe away again. So I cry myself to sleep for a week, wondering what matters? what does anything mean? and who's going to catch me when I fall? or will I just shatter into a million pieces on the pavement of my unlived life?

    And I rage and I pray. I feel my feelings, I think my thoughts. And eventually I find myself caught up in the most amazing sensation of absolute love and tenderness...a sense of kinship and connection with everything and everyone, even all the ugliness and pain and confusion...and I know I belong, just the way I am, and I accept things just the way they are...and I hope that by doing so I will find ways to help others discover that they are not disposable either, that there is something special in each of us to be encouraged and shared, even if it doesn't measure up to the standards we might think it should. And together we can help relieve each other's pain and make things a little bit better.

    Or maybe I'm wrong and this is just a desperate attempt to justify my own useless and pitiful continued existence Oh well. It's my life and I'm going to embrace it and live it as best I can.

    Thanks for being here, people. I can honestly say that the thoughts and feelings of every person on this forum have become very important and valuable to me, and I want you all to know that you have made a significant contribution to my life (such as it is LOL). Thanks so much.


  • Billygoat


  • GetBusyLiving

    Merry you make such a difference on this board. It's been so great to read your posts over the month's I've been here. (((Merry)))


  • Emma

    Merry, you are a gifted writer, an i nsightful person, and your observations make such a difference. Thank you,


  • Emma

    And, no, you are not disposable. None of us are. This just made me think how out of whack the jw mind has to be. The acceptance that you have to shun your own flesh and blood for no good reason is completely unnatural. It's no wonder that they're such an unhappy people.

  • joelbear

    Hi Merry,

    I am in a similar mental place to yourself. I tried to kill myself twice last year thinking of myself as disposable.

    I have recovered to a large extent. I continue to feel better and better.

    Some of the things I am doing.

    1. Rediscovering things that I love. For me thats science fiction reading, roller coasters, tennis and board games. I am finding it quite rejuvenating to get back involved in these endeavors I love.

    2. Discovering new things that I have always wanted to try. Pottery, photography are the 2 I am working on the most. you can see my webpage at www.joelbear.net.

    3. Moving away from people who don't contribute to my happiness. Seeking new people who will contribute to my happiness. Becoming very careful about who I put my trust and invest my feelings in.

    I read a book called something like the science of happiness, it has a yellow cover. I have found it quite helpful.

  • Virgochik

    Merry, you are a good and worthy person! God doesn't care what the JDubs think! and neither should we!

  • MerryMagdalene

    (((((Andi))))) I may not know you well at all but I sure do like what I do know. (http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/9/107498/1.ashx)

    Thanks, GBL. I feel the same way about you! (http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/96599/1.ashx an important and fascinating GBL thread IMO)

    bye for now


  • skyman

    Merry, you have always had my heart. I still keep tight of all the incredible drawings you made for me when we were teenagers. I still have every letter you wrote. I have wondered many times how life would of been if your mom would have just left us alone. I have a beautiful wife and family I do not regret that for a moment. But if only a few things would of been different you and I would of had a good life together as well. We cannot go back and change what might have been.

    When I see your little big eyed beautiful girl I see you. I wish the pain the BORG has caused us could go away but it wont because no matter how much we run our families are still there to haunt us.

    Maybe if I asked you to post some of you drawings you would. Please, so all of us on the board can see how talented you are. Please Merry.

    Anyone reading this pester Merry to post some of her drawings for us.

  • IP_SEC

    Sorry Merry,

    Isnt it almost like when a person comes back from an assembly and all of the sudden throws out all of their "evil" cds? Arent people worth more than that? You are worth more than a truck load of of gold Merry. I hope your mom sees that some day soon. Your experience reminds me that even though my mom treats me like a human, that could really change any time.

Share this