Help and advice needed soon , please

by jules99 39 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Mulan

  Welcome, Jules. I am so very sorry for your loss. Your grief is so new and raw that my suggestion would be to put all questions of religion up on the shelf for now and find yourself a good support group. Check in the newspaper and with local doctors and, yes, churches, to see if there is a support group for people who have lost their spouses. And please remember that the elders are completely untrained in pastoral counseling. They will be of no use to you whatsoever and their primary intent is to get your butt back in a chair at the Kingdom Hall so they can up their stats.

  I agree so much with this advice. Nina and her family had a tragic loss not too long ago, so I know she knows what she is talking about here.

  Your grief is much too fresh to make any decisions about what you will do next. My advice is "don't let them into your life". You will be sorry.

  The tree planting is a wonderful way to start recovering. Keep us up to date on that and what you are doing.

  Marilyn
• 

  LeslieV

  I am so sorry for your loss, but especially the way you have been treated. I agree that this loss is to new to make major decisions. A support group is an excellent idea as well. Remember you are the wife, the one person your husband turned to, and loved. JW religion, and those that would want to change your mind have NO control over you. You are a strong woman, don't let them make you feel that you are not.

  The tree idea is just wonderful!!!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

  Leslie
• 

  Special K

  Hi Jules9

  I'm so very sorry for your sudden loss of Dan.

  I also hear you when you talk about the frustration with dealing with his J.W. side of the family. Actually, I am impressed that you were able to involve them all without a major, major clash. I'm sure Dan would be proud of you as well.

  After a dear male friend of our family died in 2000 of Cancer we also planted a tree in his memory and even named the tree after him. We take care of this tree very intently through the seasons. The growth of this beautiful tree keeps our grandfatherly friends memory alive for my husband and I and our children ,who loved him so dearly. It has been a very, very healing way to deal with our loss.

  Again I'm sorry for your sudden loss, Jules99. I hope you have some close personal friends to lean on in your time of grief.

  hugs

  Special K
• 

  jules99

  Dear All,

  Thanks so very much for your thoughts, it?s a big help to feel I?m not alone. You folks have given me strength I never knew I had.

  Scully

  I laughed out loud at the ?informercials? bit ? good job I seem to have retained some sense of black-humour in all this!

  NewLight2

  Thanks, I will follow some of these links. Thinking of ordering Raymond Franz?s books ?

  Freedom96

  Am feverishly reading my New King James version now??????..

  Nina & Mulan:-

  You are right, I am finding out that the ?love? the JW?s seem to extend to me involves getting me back to the KH at all costs. But I can?t go ANYWHERE I used to go with Dan without having a panic attack at the moment. KH is the last place on my mind, if I could get round Tesco?s I?d be doing well!

  I am convinced Dan's sudden heart attack (no history of heart trouble, or any other trouble for that matter) was brought on by the sheer anxiety and stress the Organisation & his misguided family put him through for 8 years. I even think he turned to me for love in the first place because he was so depressed by what was going on in the JW's, yet trying to remain loyal to them. He gave them 35 years of loyal service, spent all his free time helping others, and yet when he needed someone, no-one was there for him.

  Maybesbabies:-

  I had the same experience as you with the funeral, have arranged and paid for it all myself and not one single donation made to the memorial tree by the JW?s, only from mine & Dan?s new friends and colleagues, and from non-JWs he hadn?t seen for years! To be honest, though, I don?t want the JW?s involved anyway (but it would have been nice if they?d offered!).

  Jeaniebeanz and GetBusyLiving:-

  I tried and tried to help Dan understand that I didn?t actually DISLIKE the JW?s I just thought they were misguided and WRONG. He was coming round a bit the last couple of years, partly because of me but mostly because he could see for himself how UN-Christian their behaviour was. I think he was astonished and embarrassed by it, as he himself never behaved like that. Sometimes I think maybe God ?took him out? before he could get re-instated (who knows?)?????.

  Special K:-

  Thanks, I am really looking forward to the tree. I am going to try and have the planting on what would have been our 3 rd Wedding Anniversary in July this year. I know Dan would have really liked us to have our own little ceremony, as he understood my frustration with the JW?s.

  I like to think he?ll be watching (despite his belief that he?ll have to wait for the resurrection).

  Once again thanks all, you saved me from a straightjacket this week.

  Jules

  xxx
• 

  fairchild

  Jules,

  I am so very sorry for your loss. There is nothing more traumatic than losing someone you love. Please hang in there.

  Honestly, I don't think that anyone can tell you for sure where exactly Dan is right now. However, you know that he tried to do what was right, and that is what really matters. I hope that you have people who are close to your heart so that they can help you through this rough time. If not, don't hesitate to send me a pm, I'm only a stranger, but if you need someone to listen, I'm here and I have phone and IM!

  Hugs,

  Chris
• 

  MelbaToast

  Jules,

  my condolences. It is very hard to go through with one of those funerals. Jgnat is right, they have an outline that they "say" for a JW's passing. It happened to me at my fathers funeral in 2001, and I went through some of the same feelings and outrages , becuase most of my family, save my mother and brother are Either Methodists or Southern Baptists. It was a very uncomfortable ceremony, and I still can remember what the whole things was like.

  I agree that this grief is way too fresh to start thinking about his familys issues. The tree is a beautiful touch. My father ashes were thrown on his favorite fishing lake, so the Bass could get the last laugh. Funny and wonderful things about Dan is what you need to remember right now. The wonderful memories that you keep in your heart.

  A good support group will help. Try the local hospital, they have meetings for all kinds of people that are going through the same thing you are.

  BTW, welcome and I hope you find the help and advice that you request here.
• 

  Mystery

  Jules I am very sorry for your loss. Welcome to JWD.
• 

  cyber-sista

  ((((((((((((Jules)))))))))))))))))))))

  My heart went out to you reading your story...I am so sorry for your loss. All I can say is there is much good advice above. I do hope you can find some peace. Please read as much information as you can before getting involved in the WT Org. They tend to prey on people in times of need. I know I was one of them for many years. There are many wonderful non-JW people in this world who offer their unconditional love to you. I believe that your love for your husband will live on somewhere in the universe. I'm not sure who God is anymore, but I know that there is support and love out there for those who seek it and that it is not in the narrow confines of the JW religion.

  Much Love

  cybs
• 

  sassafrass

  Remember my fine lady, in death we are washed clean of our sins. The organization's approval meant a lot to your husband, I know, he sought forgiveness and peace of mind. It's too bad their self righteousness and arrogance fog their perspective on how to truly follow Jehovah's will. To forgive is divine. It saddens Jehovah to watch the way people mistreat each other, a god of love would not advocate abandoning your brother when he became weak. You are supposed to support him and help him to become strong again, not leave him stranded by the wayside. Disfellowshipping is manmade, it is not a mandate from Jehovah. They harness a false sense of power, no man is fit to judge his fellow man. They've forgotten the importance of being humble, a good elder plays the role of a shepard providing gentle guidance not attempting to make decisions on behalf of GOD . They do not wield any power over what lies beyond,Jehovah doesn't collect their votes, wherever you husband is going he is going there with or without their acceptance. You do not need them as a catalyst either. It pains me to see the destruction and suffering they cause with their mis-guided notions, they destroy peoples families and people's lives. My heart goes out to you. Bear in mind that GOD is love if everything you see,hear,feel,taste,touch and sense defiles that, how close to the "truth" do you think they are? Take your blinders off,they are no closer to perfection than anyone else, don't let them shame you into or scare you into resigning yourself to a life of misery and despair. That's not what Jehovah would want from you.
• 

  Golf

  This is BRUTAL and inexcusable behavior. Take comfort in knowing that many on this forum understand your circumstance. Weird sensations ran through my body as I read your story, I can imagine what you went through.
  
  Stay in touch, you have my understanding and sympathy.
  
  Guest77