Dating a JW info

by Lady Lee 115 Replies latest social relationships

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    Other than telling a person to RUN:

    • What do you think a person (who knows nothing about the JWs) needs to know if they are getting involved with a JW.
    • What would be helpful to them to end things before they get further involved?
    • What will help them if they decide to go further and marry this JW?
    • What challenges would a non-JW woman have if she gets involved with the JW man?
    • What about having children and the struggles that will develop from that?

    If you think of anything else that would be halpful please add it to the thread

    I would like to have a lot of this info in one thread besides some of the great "Dating a JW" threads we already have in the Best of section.

  • concerned mama
    concerned mama

    I think that this is a wonderful idea of yours, LL, and you are going to help some really confused people out there. There are A LOT OF lurkers out there who are in romantic relationships with JWs and are so hurt and confused. I have sent you a PM.

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    Thanks Concerned Mama

  • jgnat

    I think a really good litmus test for the relationship is to check out how many of the JW's family and friends the person has actually met. Many JW's treat their "worldly" dates like the "other woman", and work really hard to keep them separate from their other life.

    Call them on the carpet. Invite yourself in to their life. Find out if he/she is ashamed of you or not.

  • jgnat

    I think there are two general types of non-JW's who tend to be unrealistically optomistic about the chances of remaining with someone with such radically different beliefs:

    • Pagan/Agnostic/Athiest
    • Evangelical Christians

    The athiest, because religion is a relatively insignificant part of their life, like picking an orange jacket instead of tweed. The evangelical Christian, because they believe that love and the Holy Spirit can overcome any difference, and that their loved one can experience the same joy of conversion that they did.

    To the athiest, what can I say other than religion plays a much bigger part of this person's life than you can ever imagine? It affects their thinking and actions every waking moment. It will affect their career choice, choices for their health, and ultimately if they can remain with an athiest or not.

    To the evangelical Christian, it is tough to explain that faith may not be enough. What they must reconcile is that if they chose to be with this person, they have to accept them as they are, JW faith and all. God gave us all a free will, and if the JW choses to follow their faith even to death, their partner must accept that choice. Knowing that, does the Christian partner want to remain in such a relationship?

  • jgnat

    What will help them if they decide to go further and marry this JW?

    Tolerance, communication, negotiation, communication, respect, communication.

    All issues need to be brought out in the open and discussed. Who will be invited to the wedding? Who will officiate? Where will it be held?

    How about birthdays? Thanksgiving? Easter? Halloween? Christmas? Wreaths? Christmas lights? Stockings? Wrapping paper? Carved pumpkin? Scented Candles? Blood transfusions? Sunday School for the kids?

  • Nosferatu

    I'm pressed for time at the moment, but I'll write a good post about this very important issue.....

  • Nosferatu

    There are a few things that people who are dating JWs need to know.

    - JWs are taught that dating is for the sole purpose of finding a marriage mate
    - JWs aren't allowed to have pre-marital sex
    - JWs are supposed to only date others in their faith
    - JWs aren't supposed to date until they reach "maturity" (in their 20s according to the "Your Youth: Getting the best out of it" book)
    - JWs are supposed to look for the following:
    A member of the congregation who is spiritually strong (a good JW)
    Someone who treats their parents and the elderly well
    For men: a submissive wife
    For women: a man who will be the head of the household
    For both: a member of the opposite sex

    One thing that JWs ignore completely is any natural attraction that a person may have for a member of the opposite sex. Since JWs are supposed to date only other JWs, a few things may be happening with the JW:

    The JW may be "weak" in their faith
    They aren't ignoring their natural attraction
    They are sexually frustrated and need to marry
    They are disfellowshipped (ex-communicated)

    If a JW is weak in their faith and dating a non-JW, they most likely will be cautious not to let other JWs know who their dating. They may be incredibly secretive of their relationship.

    The JW may also try the tactic of converting the non-member before any marriage is spoken of to avoid problems with other members of the congregation.

    Dating another JW can be quite difficult. First of all, the JW is required to devote large amounts of time to their religion. They are required to attend meetings 3 times a week, gain at least 1 hour of door-to-door work per month, and pre-study material for each meeting. If children end up getting involved, the JW is required to bring up the children in the faith. This means eliminating Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, Halloween, Valentine's day, and every other holiday that may come about. The child is required to avoid participation in the singing of National Anthems and School Songs. The child ends up being singled out from his/her other classmates, and may end up with the pressure of critisizm and/or bullying. The child cannot defend themselves because JWs teach that violence is wrong. They are simply supposed to turn the other cheek, and the problem will go away. It never does.

    Relationships are difficult to break off, especially if they were long term. Time always heals all wounds, but getting on the road to recovery from a relationship can be difficult. Here's my suggestions for getting one's self on this road:

    - Officially break off the relationship. Say your goodbye and stick to it.
    - Cut all communication with the person you were involved with. Don't call them, throw out their number and email address. Ignore any calls or emails that come from this person.
    - Take a good week to get it fixed in your mind that the relationship is over. Keep telling yourself "It's over, and I have to move on".
    - Rebound. Begin the process of "moving on" as soon as possible. Date anyone just to give you the feel of change taking place in your life.
    - Make some personal changes. Get a new haircut/hairstyle, get a new piercing, some new clothes, grow/shave facial hair. Do anything that will make a change to your personal appearance. It will help give you the feeling that you're on a new path of life.
    - Start dating other people. Get used to the single life again. Dating is a way of passing time until you find that "ideal" person to have a long-term relationship with.

    JWs are a very small percentage of the population. This person may seem special at the time, but comparing the amount of JWs in the world, there has to be someone with a lot less issues and baggage out there. Don't settle for someone. Don't take their many flaws just because nobody's perfect. You can find someone out there with much less flaws and issues than a JW.

    In JW-nonJW relationships, there will always be disagreements. The JW has been taught that they are to love their religious organization more than their own family. In fact, members of the religion are more important than family. Their opinions of a person are much more valuable than the natural love of one's family. This is basically how JWs rank the important people in their life:

    1) The Watchtower Society (JW religion)
    2) Jehovah God
    3) The Governing Body (religious leaders)
    4) Elders and Circuit Overseers (religious leaders)
    5) Jesus Christ
    6) Members of the Congregation
    7) Their parents
    8) Their children
    9) Their spouse

    Unfortunately, JWs never consider themselves important people in their life. They have been taught to please many other people before they please themselves. You'll find that many JWs do not have a high self-esteem, nor a high level of confidence in themselves.

    Please think twice before you enter a romantic relationship with a JW. Avoiding it will save you much time and frustration.

  • jgnat

    Nice layout of the issues, Nos.

  • Trey76

    Very informative post Nosferaru. I wish I would have read something like this 6 years ago!!!!!

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