Suzi... I remember a story somewhere along those lines. I think the details were a little different, but I do recall it had something to do with the name Jehovah and a dog turning on its owner.
Stupidest thing a JW ever told you
The funniest thing I ever heard was one time when an elder quoted a scripture at me, something about ‘ I was there in the beginning’, which he purported to be Jesus.
Having read the context, I found that it was wisdom speaking, and pointed this out, his answer?
“Wisdom is an aspect of Jehovah and Jesus is the physical manifestation of the aspects of Jehovah.”
The most perfect explanation of the trinity I ever heard.
This one made me livid pissed, let me tell ya:
"Prozac opens your min d to Satan."
Being on Prozac, and feeling that without it I probably would have killed myself a heck of a long time ago, I was so mad I could barely sit in the bookstudy till it was over. I wanted to talk to the elder, but my husband kindly took it upon himself and the elder came and apologized, telling me he only thought that because of the good witness family he knew in another city where they went to a therapist and then became apostate.
Then there was the governing body member (I can't remember which one, just that I instictively disliked him A LOT) who basically said at an assembly that fat people wouldn't be considered as elders because they were gluttons. Being very close to my dad at the time (before leaving the dubs) who was an elder and very overweight, I was so hurt and upset by this as I know how hard everyone in our family struggles with our weight. My dad went totally off of sugar like 10 years ago...still is obese...most people in this day and age consider people who binge to have an EATING DISORDER, but then again, the society never was one to make its members feel like they were anything but completely unworthy.
Oh, and then there were the two JWs making racist comments about asians within earshot of me...there were only a few people in the hall, it was early...I went over to the elder and told him what was being said and I was told to just leave it alone and not worry about it. Wonder how he would have felt if he were anything other than WHITE MALE from a RICH background...but then again, he was the same one who said (very loudly) in a restaurant after meeting some comment about "those fags" when talking about homosexuals. Yeah, real kind, loving...
Some of the all time stupidest things I ever heard were-
1- That E.T. was an inapropriate movie for "christians". The reason given was because Steven Spielberg was diliberately trying to undermine "christian" faith by showing E.T. being resurrected like Jesus but without God being the resurrector.
2- That if I yelled "Jehovah" while being attacked by criminals or demons the attacker would release me and God would save the day!
3- That men are better than women because women are the weaker vessel?!
4- The band Poison being posessed by satan definitely ranks in my mind too. The only thing those boys were posessed by was a horrible hairspray addiction and a disturbing lack of talent.
" We have the TRUTH TM "
"The Queen will not have blood transfusions because it would mingle the royal bloodline with the blood of commoners."
This nonsense was also repeated to householders at the doorstep.
That we would not have indoor plumbing in the new system. We would go back to out-houses and using leaves for t-paper because that is more "natural". Maverick
This would be the early seventies - I know - all my stories are, pretty much. We had this elder’s wife in our congregation. Her husband didn’t really amount to much – a pretty much non-descript kind of non-entity, a perfectly forgettable guy. But her! A real piece of work She was Sister Hester K and, truthfully, she must have been one of the stupidest women I have ever met in my entire life.
As it happens, her immense stupidity was matched perfectly by her utterly rock-like and completely unshakeable conviction that she was RIGHT about each and every subject she would choose to pronounce upon. And she would pronounce upon anything at the drop of a hat. Opinions? How many d’ya want? She had them to spare! If EVER there had been a world-shortage of opinions, they would only have needed to put a call in to Hester to avert the crisis.
One day, a group of us pioneer brothers were sat around in Len K (the elder)’s back garden discussing with Hester about going away on holiday (that’s “vacation” brother! Nothing Holy about it! Yes, sorry, Hester) The talk got around to how important it was to cancel the daily milk delivery - bottles and bottles of unused milk on the doorstep being a dead giveaway to any would-be burglar that the occupants were away for the duration. Also, for the same reason, about how you should notify the local paper-shop so that they didn’t keep leaving a build-up of newspapers at your door.
“You’re all forgetting something, something important!” declared Hester.
Lock all windows? Secure garden gates? Ask a friendly neighbour (hah! WORLDLIES!) to keep an eye on the property?
We were flummoxed, no one knew. We awaited enlightenment from the smugly-grinning possessor of superior wisdom.
“You must always, without fail, turn your water supply off at the main!”
We were more perplexed than ever. Maybe this might make some sense in the height of winter, when, in those days before insulated pipes, there was a risk of freezing water bursting mains pipes and causing a flood – but in the summer? What was the point?
“Why would you want to do that, Hester?” asked Jon.
“The world today!” began Hester “Full of criminals! - you see them driving by with their guns!”
(I lived in that town for the first 35 years of my life, and I have never in my life – outside of a sporting event - seen a gun, never mind on the streets, in the hands of drive-by criminals. But it didn’t do to interrupt Hester in full flow)
“Yes, GUNS! And they won’t hesitate to shoot your pipes!”
As she said this, Hester gestured towards the pipework of her own house – specifically, in fact, pointing at the rain guttering.
No one said anything for a while, and we let Hester enjoy her triumph. I think we were all overcome at the thought of the sheer demonic wickedness which would induce one of the town’s career criminals to call around when Hester was taking her two weeks by the seaside and fire bullets at her guttering.
(And, of course, how their Satanic plot would be foiled because Hester had the theocratic foresight to turn her mains water off!)
Away from the house, later on, we simply laughed our heads off. “Shooting the Pipes” became pioneer-speak for any idiotic opinion expressed by an Elder or his wife.
"this is how we know Jehovah made man, is how a mans penis fits so wonderfully inside a womens vagina".
There are so many: My mother told me that JW's were the only ones really helping during 9/11 because they were printing magazines to give everyone hope for their dead loved ones.
A sister once told me Snot was a cuss word and I should never say it again.