My Dad wants to study with me

by BlackWolf 53 Replies latest jw friends

  • Finkelstein

    There is something to be acknowledge and that is JWS parents want to see their children progress in the congregations they attend. either if being first among the peers of the JWS children to get baptized. etc.

    Its bragging rights more or less, look see how well my child is progressing in their spirituality next week he's giving a talk, and might pioneer next month and so forth..

    Parents of children that don't go out in service, give talks or clean the Hall after meetings are looked upon as not very devoted and spiritually weak, making their parents look bad in appearance and acceptance.


    The other day my Dad told me that I was old enough to make a decision, and was wondering why I wasn't ready (assembly is in a few weeks) so I told him calmly that I have many doubts and if I were to get baptized it has to be 100 percent my idea. He was a little annoyed by this..

    He`s not interested in you making a decision,he wants you to do as you`re told..

    It will make him look good..

    or if I should try to bring up some doubts I have about the book which may cause problems (my dad has anger issues).

    Unless you do exactly what he demands..

    He`s going to get "Pissed Off" no matter what..

    Say you're not ready,refuse the study..

  • JWdaughter

    I don't think studying with dad is a good idea. The anger issue could bring things to a quick head. I think it would be better to have a conversation with an elder, telling them you love Jehovah, but you read the article about dedications/baptism being nonrevokable and recognizing how critical the decision is, you feel like you are being pressurized to make a decision that you aren't ready to make. I don't think it's bad to point out any examples of those who baptised and are now shunned and ostracised until elders decide they are repentant enough.

    If there is physical abuse in your home, please get help and remove yourself from danger.

  • dubstepped

    I wholeheartedly disagree with those saying that you should study with your dad and challenge him if he has anger issues. When something is unhealthy, you don't double down on it and hope that it somehow changes, you get out of it. You can't just leave, but I would do whatever I could to NOT study with him. You aren't going to change his mind, you will only piss him off because he wants to control you, thus the pressure. Find ways to delay or get out of it. You have quite a history on here and we've chatted in pm's, so you know that giving in and getting baptized isn't a great move either. It must be hard to be isolated and under constant pressure. I don't remember how old you would be now, but you as you get closer to old enough to move out he may ramp up the pressure. Your deliverance is near though. Don't give up as you get closer to freedom.

    If a person can get you to take one step with them, it is much easier to get you to take a second, and a third, etc. It is sales. If a door to door salesman can get you to stand there and talk to them, they're laying groundwork for a sale and people will buy when they though they'd never do such a thing. If you take this study, you're taking that first step. Beware. In the end, it's your life, and none of us know all of the circumstances, so we can't tell you what to do, but we can give you our opinions, and this is mine.

  • DJS

    What Outlaw and dubstepped said,

    This is about your father's ego. Not your salvation. If he cared about you more than his ego he would give you time and space and love.

    Don't study with him. You are of adult age by now, or close to it. Make adult decisions.

  • Virgochik

    Been there, done that and it still seems like yesterday. My dad was an elder and I was making him look bad. I caved in to threats and got baptized. What a mistake. He threw it at me constantly "You got baptized, you dedicated your life to Jehovah, now keep your vow."

    I had to go to meetings, missing as many as I could, and I got a job. I saved every penny. One evening, a buddy I worked with pulled up in his pickup truck and moved me to an apartment I'd rented with two roommates. I planned all of it in advance.

    Because I was now baptized, the elders started popping up at the apartment. They pounded on the front door, trespassed into the back yard, rapping on the patio door, and left notes that they needed to talk to me. It was all very stressful for me and annoying for my roommates.

    Please, do yourself a favor. Don't get baptized and don't go through this. Hang on a bit longer, plan quietly, and escape.

  • Island Man
    Island Man

    Start a very calm and respectful conversation with your Dad along the lines of freedom of religion. Get him to tell you/agree that baptism is a choice that has to be made freely without any form of coercion or pressure. Maybe even mention the bad example of some people - of other religions - forcing their children into their religion against their will. Get the May 2009 Awake (hope I have the right issue date) that says persons should not be forced to join a religion and that persons should not be made to choose between their beliefs and their family.

    After you have done all that very calmly and respectfully tell him that you have given the subject of baptism a lot of thought and come to the decision that you do not wish to get baptized, and ask him to please respect and accept your decision since he already stated that you're old enough to make a decision and he has already indicated (from the foregoing conversation) that he accepts you have the right to freedom of religion and should not face any form of coercion to be baptized or penalties for refusing to do so, because parents that truly respect their children's right to choose would not engage in such actions, and you have confidence that he's not such a parent - based on the foregoing conversation.

    If he asks you why you don't want to get baptized, just very calmly tell him that you do not wish to discuss it as he may perceive what you have to say as attacking his religion and he will get upset. Tell him you respect his right to be a JW and you're not out to discourage him or destroy his faith so you rather keep your reasons to yourself so as not to upset him in any way. You only want him to respect your decision and your freedom of choice to not become a JW, just as you respect his right to be JW.

  • rebel8

    I don't know if it's a personality thing or what. A person can only have one personality, so I have no idea what it's like to have another. For me, I need to be honest. It is a need I feel in the core of myself.

    I was honest about my doubts. I had to do that prep thing with the elder and I was honest then that I wasn't sure this was thee truth.

    I was honest during the ass-embly when they had you do the vows. I said 'no' to a few of them, IIRC.

    They dunked me anyways, even though I was still a teen and frankly stating to my jw parent, elder and ass-embly attendant that I wasn't sure. But I still feel good that I was honest. In the end, it is one thing they can't ever take away from you, even if they control all other aspects of you.

  • OnTheWayOut

    Your dad should want to study with you if he is a good minion JW. But I would say it it time to show him quite a bit of your problem with blind obedience. As "Never a JW" says on page 1, always prepare tough questions in advance.

    You know you should not get baptized. There has to be a rough period preceding your eventual cessation of JW stuff. Help him get used to the idea.

  • scratchme1010

    What would you do?

    Very hard to say what would I do in that situation.

    In no way would I make him feel disrespected. However, there may be a way to let him know that on one hand he's telling you that it's your decision, but on the other he's pressuring you to do what pleases him.

    Please understand that in your JW father's mind he's saving you and your life. He believes that by pressuring you to baptize he's pretty much taking you with him to "paradise on Earth". That is no small thing. So whatever you decide to do, the one thing that I suggest you to consider are the feelings behind his actions. His heart as a father is (or may be) in the right place.

    Maybe acknowledging that his efforts (though severely misguided) come from a good place may make him listen to you a little more. Something along the lines of "I know that you want to share paradise with me and the rest of the family, and I appreciated that". Then stand your ground a little about this making your decision, and that it will be made 100% once you're sure. Please notice the words. You're not saying you're going to baptized, nor that you're not.

    For as long as you depend on your parents, you may need to play that game of dodging this kind of things, including a lot of pressure. Meanwhile, prepare to become as independent from them as possible if you finally decide not to become a JW.

    I hope this helps.

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