My wife has the furniture disease, where her chest has fallen into her drawers.
Joke Sharing Thread
So the old boy turned 80 and it was time for his annual physical. Because he was 'deaf as a post' , his wife always accompanied him to the doctors office. After checking his weight, height, blood pressure, lungs, prostate and other assorted issues, the doctor needed more information. He told the old boy, "I'm going to need a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample, and a sperm sample." "WHAT DID HE SAY?" the old boy enquired of his wife. Calmly, the doctor repeated his request. "WHAT DID HE SAY?" asked the old gent of his wife again. She calmly and firmly reiterated the doctors orders "WHAT? WHAT? WHAT THE HELL DOES THE DOCTOR WANT?" yelled the old codger. By this time the wife was fully exasperated and she bellowed out to him : "HE WANTS YOU TO LEAVE YOUR DIRTY UNDERWEAR FOR HIM TO EXAMINE BEFORE WE GO!"
A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!”
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Here is a stupid made up joke I heard one time from a Jehovah's Witness brother.
A man asks a Jehovah's Witness...Why are Jehovah's Witnesses so square?
Jehovah's Witness replies...We Jehovah's Witnesses may be square but when Armageddon comes.... at least we'll be A-ROUND.
A German is trying to to make his way to Paris
At the border, the French customs agent asks him
“Place of residence?”
“No, just vacation this time.”
How are peanut butter and jelly related?
This is a lesson in high finance for Cofty, Slim and other clan bagpipers
The GB/FDS decided to paint the main Warwick auditorium. Geoffrey Jackson was commissioned to get the best deal possible for the GB. So he asked a polish artist to give him a quote. After showing him the auditorium Jackson asks him how much he would charge. 3000 dollars was the reply. How do you figure that asked Jackson incredulously. 1000 for the paint, 1000 for the labour and 1000 dollars for me.
Jackson decides to get another quote. This time he calls in an American artist. How much Jackson asks. 6000 dollars says the American. How do you figure that? Easy, 2000 for the paint, 2000 for the labour and 2000 for me.
Forget that says Jackson.
Jackson thinks....hmmm which people are artistic and shrewd as well...Ah, I know...the Scots. So he calls in a Scottish artist and asks How much
9000 says the Scotsman. How do you figure that asks Jackson. Simple , 3000 for you, 3000 for me, and we'll pay the Polock to do it.
Guess who got the job?
Sorry, couldn't be bothered with the punctuation.
Reading some of these to my family around the Christmas tree and we all have been having a good laugh.
Not really a joke but I found this amusing:
Ray retired and he and his wife Bessie moved from New York City to Texas. Wanting to try to fit in Ray went to the local western wear store and bought the fanciest cowboy boots he could find. He got home and proudly wore them into the house hoping Bessie would notice and say something. She didn't. All day he wore them, doing everything he could to get Bessie to notice his new boots, which she never acknowledged. Finally in a desperate attempt to get her to notice his new boots when it was time for bed he stripped down completely naked, except for his new boots and strode out to the middle of the bedroom. Then he asks, "Bessie, don't you notice anything different about me tonight?" Bessie coolly looks Ray up and down from head to toe and back again shakes her head and replies, "No. It was hanging down last night. It was hanging down this morning and it is still hanging down." Frustrated Ray yells, "It's looking at my NEW BOOTS!" To which Bessie replies, "Should have bought a hat Ray. Should have bought a hat!"