Joke Sharing Thread

by Vanderhoven7 59 Replies latest social humour

  • Vanderhoven7

    Got a good joke or two? Why not share them. Here is a fun one.

    Retirement Can Be Fun

    Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our days interesting.

    For example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

    When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

    We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
    how about giving us senior citizens a break?'

    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
    I called him an “total j*rk”. He glared at me and started
    writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

    So Mary called him an "idiot”. He finished the
    second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

    Then he started writing more tickets.

    This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

    It's important at our age.

  • Vanderhoven7

    Try this

    Cajun caught fishing in the swamp without a license.

    Game Warden (GW):Let's see what's in the ice box you are carrying on your shoulder there fella?

    Cajun (CJ): (reluctantly opens ice box revealing 10 large swamp fish)

    GW: Can I see your fishing license?

    CJ: Sorry, don't have one officer.

    GW: Ha! Caught you you thieving rascal! I'm taking you in.

    CJ: Wait, these here is my pet fish. They gets tired of the little pool out back at my place, sos every day I brings them down to the swamp here for some exercise...and when I whistles for them, they comes back and jumps in de box.

    GW: What do you take me for...a dang fool?

    CJ No, it's true officer. Here, I'll proves it to you, (with that the Cajun let's the fish back into the swamp.

    After a few minutes, the warden says:

    GW: Ok, now whistle for them to come back?

    CJ: Who?

    GW: The fish!

    CJ: What fish?

  • Not_Culty
  • Biahi

    How do you drive a JW crazy? Put him in a round room and tell him Armageddon is just around the corner.

  • vienne
  • Vanderhoven7

    I enjoyed a few of them fast talking ones Vienne.

  • Vanderhoven7

    I've got a good one for professionals who are tired of clients complaining about the price of their services.

    A man takes his car to a mechanic complaining that it is running roughly. The mechanic asks him to lift the hood. The mechanic takes a screwdriver and turns a screw...and all of a sudden the engine purrs like a kitten. Wonderful says the man, how much do I owe you? Twenty bucks says the mechanic. Twenty bucks...but all you did was turn a screw! "Right", said the mechanic, it's five cents for turning the screw, and $19.95 for knowing which screw to turn."

  • sir82

    An old, old man goes to his doctor for a checkup. After his physical, the doctor says "Mr. Smith, for a man of your age, you are in remarkably good health. If you don't mind my asking, what is your secret?"

    Old man replies, "My secret is, God is my friend. He takes care of me."

    After a quizzical look from the doctor, Mr. Smith continues. "Just to give you an example. Late at night, I wake up and I have to go to the bathroom. I put on my slippers, I put on my robe, and I shuffle on down to the bathroom. As soon as I open the door God turns on the light for me. I finish my business. Then, at the moment I close the door, God turns out the light. God is really good to me."

    The doctor finds this a little odd, so while Mr. Smith is dressing, he steps out to the waiting room to talk to Mrs. Smith. He relates how Mr. Smith has excellent physical health, but he wonders a little about his mental state (and proceeds to relate Mr. Smith's anecdote about the bathroom).

    "Aw, for crying out loud!" says Mrs. Smith. "He's been peeing in the refrigerator again."

  • Vanderhoven7

    Good one Sir82.

    Reminds me of the Simpson episode where Homer is in desperate need of a parking spot. He prays fervently promising God to serve Him for the rest of his life if God will find a spot for him. All of a sudden a lady pulls out of a spot in front of him and Homer says:.... "Never mind God I found one myself.

  • slimboyfat

    The doctor told me I’ve got Tom Jones disease.

    I asked is that a rare condition?

    The doctor said it’s not unusual.

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