I am having a very difficult time and I am here right now because I know in my heart, that when I explain what has just happened to me a few minutes ago, you will understand. Many of you are no doubt going through the same thing.
Within several posts here, I have spoken of my mother. My dear sweet mother, who just turned 78, and who has been a faithful JW since 1959. She abandoned me in 1981, when I decided to leave the borg, and for twelve years she did not speak to me, write to me, call me, or visit me.
Because of how close my mother and I always were, especially so, since my father played such a very small part in my life, I clung to her as I was growing up. We were best friends. I thought she loved me, and I know she does, but it's all conditional.
In 1992, she contacted me and said that there had been "new light" and that she could associate with me and her other children. What wonderful news. A new beginning. And so we have enjoyed this closeness again, although there were restrictions, I was very happy to have her with me in any way possible. That relationship has now ended. The borg has struck again.
Mom just called me. I have to say, I almost sensed this was coming, and yet how can you prepare yourself for anything so cold, so cruel. First she said, "well, there has been some new light"...and then the words, "you know that you are my first born child, and that I love you with all my heart"...BUT, we must end our association as of this phone call". I tried to maintain myself and get some points in, but she is so damm borg, what can I say. She said that it will be very strict, with no contact whatsoever from her-even if she becomes sick or dies. This is the way she wants it. She told me that the news came a little while back, but she had to prepare herself to be able to let us know. She told me that her heart was breaking too. The thing is, I believe her. But, it doesn't change anything.
So, trying to maintain some dignity, I told her that it is this organization and not god who is dictating this cruel and unloving behavior. I explained as kindly as I could that if Jesus were walking the earth right now, he would come and comfort me and all the others out there getting this same message. Love is not conditional, but she has made it so because the borg says it must be so.
I told her that the society is pulling in the ranks because of all the latest legal stuff going on, and that this is just their way of controlling their people. I told her she is allowing an organization to take her away from her children during the last years of her life. That I will never be able to hug her again, nor see her nice new apartment in her senior housing, or talk with her, or travel to Florida to visit her.
She said that Gary could call her if there was an emergency. And I just said "why?". Let's just end it all right here and now. I told her that this time, I was not going to beg and plead through mail to try to win her heart. I would not correspond with her and tell her all about my life, only to be ignored. One sided love doesn't work. It's not healthy. Those days are over. I told her that when this happened before, along with everything else in my life, it nearly destroyed me emotionally and affected me physcially. I let her know that I can not allow her to bring me to that place again.
Meantime, I'm beginning to weep over the phone, and so she thanks me for being kind to her and understanding that she must be faithful to her Jehovah. And I simply say that I love her, ...and then goodbye. I have absolutely no control over any of this. I am so heartbroken.
My heart is aching and I've been crying so hard that I can hardly type this out. I want to be strong, but my emotions are powerful. I am also very, very angry. I want to scream to the top of my lungs. My husband does not understand, and I'll just leave it at that. I feel very alone. I knew if I came here that I could let you know what is going on and you would be here for me. Thank goodness that I found this forum when I did!
Karen :-(