Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread (page 9)

BugEye

The Perfect Day for Her:

08:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
08:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday
08:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
09:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs
13:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
15:00 Nap
16:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
16:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
17:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, prim before the mirror
19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
22:00 Hot shower (alone)
22:30 Make love
23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

BugEye

The Perfect Day for Him:

06:00 Alarm
06:15 Blowjob
06:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
07:00 Breakfast, Filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
07:30 Limo arrives
07:45 Stoli Bloody Mary en route to airport
08:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
09:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
09:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
14:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
14:30 Private jet, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
15:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
16:30 Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs.)
17:00 Jet back to home, massage & hand job en route by a naked Kathy Ireland
18:45 Shit, shower, and shave
19:00 Watch CNN news flash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated.
19:30 Dinner, Lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York Steak
21:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
21:30 Sex with three women
23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
23:45 Bed (alone)
23:50 12 second, 4 octave fart, dog leaves the room
23:55 Giggle self to sleep

BugEye

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic."
Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"

The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."

So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

The drunk replied, "Out of my nose."

BugEye

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for
the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

BugEye

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."

BugEye

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavor than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher.

Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

BugEye

The student, not necessarily a well-prepared student, sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever
came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

Umm ... So far so good maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer.

Again, what to write? Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again.

But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

BugEye

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous francais?" The two continue to stare.

"Parlare italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Seven

Hey S!!! This one's for you if you're lurkin'. LOL !! I can picture your Mum in the kitchen right now. Seven

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wonderous taste of the cookie was already
in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatulaby his wife...

"Get out" she said, "they're for the funeral!!"

Seven

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Waiting's Never-ending Joke Thread

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