It's 4pm here in Australia so I might get more up soon.
Jehovah's Witness Tragedy - a series of installments.
by Julia Orwell 66 Replies latest social entertainment
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villagegirl
Julia - Do you really want honest critiques ?
I have some experience aa a teacher and I wish you well
in your desire to write. First: WHO is your audience ?
This is not a story that could be understood by anyone exept
a Jehovah's Witness since it it filled with witness jargon and
witness terms and references unknown to the general public.
The main character is a robot without any discernable humanity.
She is living for 40 years with this man and all you tell us is they
were never close ? Who the hell are these people ?
There are so many references to things like "organization" or "admonition" ?
who knows what that means ? "pioneering" is pure witness-speak jargon.
"vindication" who talks like that ? "stopped associating" ? who knows what that
even means ? The reader does not know who this woman IS as a person outside
the cult-speak. What does she look like ? Does she have any personality at all ?
Other than direct quotes from Watchtower literature ? How tall is she ?
What color hair does she have? Does she like pizza? Anything at all about her would
be helpful ? Does she read any books or have any talents or hobbies ?
You say she has nothing in common with her husband, but the reader of your story
has nothing in common with her, because you do not reveal who she is, other than this
robotic meeting attender who doesn't have sex with her own husband. Who could
possibly understand what "the admonition" means ? Except some 1960's witness ?
If the reader is not a witness the term Circuit Overseer is meaningless. Nobody but
witnesses know what Bethel even is, or give a damn and thats about 7 billion people
on this planet. "the heady years of the 1960's" meant the civil rights movement,
the Beatles and Woodstock and the Vietnam war protests, to everyone but this little
confused cult, a tiny segment of society who thought everybody noticed them, when
in fact nobody did, or does. We as readers do not even know what kind of cancer she has.
Is it breast cancer ? Ovarian cancer ? Brain cancer ? Hoe does she feel about her disease?
what treatment is she getting? Is she in pain ? You have to make these people real.
Nobody outside the watchtower says things like "this system of things" are we in the Matrix?
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Julia Orwell
Yes Village Girl, it is purely for an ex JW audience. That is why it is written in JW jargon. It would highlight to a JW or ex JW reader the absurdidty and pointlessness of their lives. A non JW reader would have trouble understanding it, but it's not written for them.
I've left the story quite pared back, so the reader may use his/her imagination and understanding of JW culture to fill in the gaps. Reading is 50% words on the page and 50% what the reader brings.
I've not gone into a lot of detail about the disease because that is not the point of the story. What you read up top was just the orientation. I don't go into detail about her, because as a short story (probably end up around 4000 words) it needs to move quickly.
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LoisLane looking for Superman
Is the Dad now trying to wake his son up because he has just put 2 + 2 together and they do not add up to JW's = The "True" Religion?
LL
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talesin
Oh, that was a cliffhanger! I loved the descriptive terms (but you use them sparingly, yes), and I was literally sitting in the room with them.
I felt Alfred's ennui strongly, reality has crashed in, now that he is, truly, alone. Also, I'm projecting, as I'm relating to his situation and those in my own family.
Next, please !
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Julia Orwell
Dad is not sure himself, which is why he is tentatively confiding in Adam. Adam is a good company man though, with all the prepared answers and revulsion for anything critical.
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talesin
Yes, I saw Section 1 as an introduction to the story - the set-up, so to speak. We have the back story, and now we know the opal ring has gone to the society.
Section 2: A new story arc is introduced, with Alfred's new, and obviously depressed phase of life .... he seems on the verge of confessing to a lack of belief, for many years.
But what of the ring? There is much more to enfold ..........
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Julia Orwell
Ok this is all I have for now...
Part Three
“Adam, what I’m saying is, since your mother died, I’m not sure the end is coming at all.”
“Dad!” Adam boomed. Alfred had always been a pillar of faith, and now he was coming out with this!
“Dad, we all have doubts! That’s why you need to ‘always have plenty of work to do in the Lord.’ Maybe just auxiliary pioneer if you can’t handle the 70 hours. The Slave is so loving to provide these options for Jehovah’s people. I can show you how to access the new Watchtower Online Library. Here, let me call the elders and arrange a shepherding call. They can encourage you, maybe take you on some Bible studies…”
Yes, Adam was a good boy. He knew where to go for all the answers. Somehow though, the answers didn’t seem to help Alfred anymore. The meetings seemed empty, and all these young elders lacked the life experience needed to give him any real comfort.
“I’m doing all that, son, but your mother’s death got me thinking. I read through some of those old bound volumes over on that shelf, and realised just how much the Truth has changed. But one thing hasn’t, and that’s that the end will be here any moment. I just don’t see it happening anymore. It’s been 100 years since the last days began and that generation has passed away. You don’t remember 1975 or the 80’s, but I remember them clearly.”
“Dad, where are you getting this from? What have you been reading?”
“Reading?” Alfred was astonished. “Just the Watchtower. See them on the shelf there?”
“But what else have you been reading, Dad, where are you getting this from?”
“Getting what?”
“This APOSTATE talk!” Alfred rarely saw Adam angry, but now he was tensing up like an offended cat.
“Nowhere…call those elders for a shepherding call,” he muttered. Alfred was somewhat startled by Adam’s strong reaction to his doubts, but apostasy had been a problem for the Organisation of late. It just showed Adam cared. But could Satan be using Barbara’s death to get a hold of his mind? He needed to talk to those elders. He certainly didn’t want to experience a shipwreck of faith, like even some anointed Christians in the first century did.
Adam called Brother Wanis, an elder who had been his friend for years, and organised a shepherding visit for his father. Then, as he had to get back to his circuit work the next day, he left his father with some scriptures and headed home.
Somewhat perplexed by what had just passed between them, Alfred closed the Bible Adam had handed him. The house seemed so cold, as though Adam’s departure had drained it of life. He hauled himself out of his easy-chair and walked to his bookshelf. There was a photo of Barbara from the last congregation picnic she’d been well enough to attend. Her blue opal set the picture alight, and Alfred wondered what had become of it. He had hoped to receive an acknowledgement of her donation, but so far had received nothing from the Branch Office.
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Julia Orwell
Now I really have to get up because my butt is going numb. I'll post more as I write it, probably tomorrow.
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LoisLane looking for Superman
------>>> Okay, I am following this with rapt attention... Then "Bro Wanis"??? lol Did you mean for us to stop reading intently... and laugh???
Okay, back to story.