Another member checking in here whose story is very similar to yours! I think this is not coincidence. Being intellectually inclined means that we are more likely to spend time by ourselves dwelling on doubts than other JWs, and trying to reconcile logical contradictions. Also, being bookworms, and not extroverts, (if this does describe you too) we don't feel a lot of fear at the thought of losing the association of the congregation, even if we like many of the friends. As you've already recognized, it's different for others, like your wife. I haven't had to deal with that side of things myself, so unfortunately I don't have any good advice for how to help someone with that social dependency on the organization, but maybe Hassan's book(s) will help.
But yes, I spent most of my twenties engaging in increasingly convoluted theories and speculation in order to try to stay a Witness. One of the things that bothered me was that, when it came to subjects like evolution, the literature was making no real effort to represent both sides fairly. So I privately read a lot from the pro- and anti- camps, and ultimately I was left not knowing what to believe, so I put the issue on the back burner. But in the process of doing that research I had moved way beyond the elementary apologetics of the Watchtower to more sophisticated (more desperate) apologetics. After that, the literature just seemed pitiably simple when it dwelled on the subject. The reasoning often amounted to, "Isn't this butterfly amazing? CLEARLY GOD DID IT."
At the time, I thought I was doing this research and thinking through various objections in order to defend my beliefs against a hypothetical skeptical householder, but now I realize it was my own intellect crying out for me to let it spread its wings and fly.
I also believed for a long while that apostates were just embittered over personal experiences. It hadn't occurred to me to wonder why so many people could have had bad experiences in what was supposed to be God's organization. But of course, as long as our own experience as a JW is a positive one, we're not likely to be concerned when some unknown ex-JWs complain about their experiences, since we don't know the full story, and it seems so remote from us.
Gradually it dawned on me, though, that other JWs were truly afraid of any contrary information, and that made we wonder what apostates had to say. What could the truth have to fear from any information? At that point, it was just a matter of time before I came across some source of solid information that argued against "the truth". For me, JWfacts gave me all the information I needed to realize that the organization was clearly just a publishing company run by men who were making stuff up as they went along. I do think they are mostly sincere, and just very deluded. They can't understand why the end hasn't come yet, and will rationalize as much as needed in order to not let themselves see the truth.
Anyway, welcome! You're wise not to give away any further details. Newbies often over-share because they're glad to have a place that understands them. There is always a small chance that someone can be found out if they give too many personal details, or too many dates, like when they attended an assembly or gave a talk. But I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the topics we discuss here.
