by Hyghlandyr 43 Replies latest members adult
Hygh,
Wow.
Thanks for posting your story.
i smiled
i smirked
i laffed
and nearly
cried.
my soul
engaged
enraged
inspired
moved.
i respected
and connected
i read
no,felt
virtually devoured
your words
your communique.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!
It took me back to times of my own...
as a child "protector", of siblings, of self
in the face of multi-faceted abuses.
More than once, i realized i had been
holding my breathe...
*phew*
Thx 4 the ride.
It's 'nice' to know you better.
Thanks again.
S.
Hygh, your story was so disturbing and encouraging at the same time. It's sickening the things you and your sisters had to endure. But I'm so impressed how you survived..everything!
Even if this wasn't meant to be healing for yourself, be assured that it will bring healing to many others.
Thank you for sharing so intimately.
Shauna
I have had to take a few days off from paying attention to this post just to collect myself. It's been a few ups and downs for me the past few days, both with this, and a few other issues going on right now. So now I am going to respond to everyone.
Pierced Angel
It was hard to write also. But it did flow. Let your fingers do the walking and talking I guess. I don't know that I had strength. I think the organism just tends towards survival. Nothing amazing to me since it was not really a life threatening situation. Just emotionally traumatic. But if you find power in it I am glad for that. If my egg-donor had power, she would have sent that fella packing.
Sign in with a yahoo user ID. Then if it asks to install software, do so. Then click CHANGE ROOM. Scroll down to RELIGION in the list that appears and click it. Then on the right click USERS ROOMS. Then look for any room with JW or Jehovahs Witnesses or Jehovah or Jehovahs Organization or JWs vs LDSMormons KnockDown Fight(that is the name of the room when I make the JW room). Lately is titled Dateline Do JWs harbor Pedophiles. Or something similarly named. I use the name Hyghlandyr there also.
Thanks for commenting. I appreciate it a lot.:)
LDH
My well may not be some people's well. But I do try. Tank ya kindly:)
Beautiful Garbage
It does seem at times, especially when I think of these things, to be a spiralling. Especially with the guilt. It's the only thing I have guilt in my life about. And yes I know I am not responsible. Go figure. YW lass and thanks for your comments.
Turls
Smoooooches. But you lub Wobert more dan me. hugssssss
RedHorseWoman
Yeah I totally feel ya lass. My why me is why didnt me do nuttin. I am beginning some real efforts so that does not happen again. And I am content where I am at. If I could change anything, it would not be what I went through, but what my sisters went through. Since I cannot, now I just seek to find a way to warn people. I have tried but it usually falls on deaf ears.
Women have so much power and they often do not know it. A woman should use that power to prevent a man from abusing her and more especially, her children. But some just do not see the way out of a situation.
So time will tell where I go in that regard from here. I am evaluating myself first...then others.
Thanks for your kind words. Maybe I'll start postin over on the other mailing list. It's been a bit quiet there lately Ive noticed.
Myriamme
Aye a lot of it was painful. Of course from the thread by now I think most realize the real pain wasnt the abuse on me personally...but rather my helplessness to be my sisters protector. I am not completely deluded that I do not realize there was not relly much I could do. But then that is of course the point. That I could not do something.
I do realize that in some cases, as with the sperm-donors second wife, she was abused growing up. So that explains her actions. While I want nothing to do with her, I at least understand. If she stopped blaming us for the abuse of her husband, stopped insisting that my sister had somehow seduced him at 12 years old, then I would deal with her. But not until then. Which means not ever most likely.
As to my eggdonor, she had an idillic life growing up. So it certainly does not relate to her childhood. Perhaps it started with the spermdonors abuse of her. WHo is to say. In any case, her condition, as in the case of a lot of these women, is more important to her than that of her children. She is though living her own hell now so I dont send her shame. She has her own.
And I remember the things you've been through. I dont know that it is consoling or not. But I do know that those of us who have been through such things, can comfort each other, with the knowledge that we on some level understand each other. Many of the folks, even here, cannot relate to what we have been through. Not having experienced it themselves, they will never understand it. So in that sense yes it is consoling. I though wish also you did not have to go through those things.
Especially with your brother, a lot of abusers start out young, repeating simply the same things that are done to them. A child that is an abuser I can understand,and forgive. I am not interested in forgiving my egg or sperm donor. Rather I just dismiss them. My sisters can forgive or not as they choose.
I do feel your compassion. When I get the chance later today I will talk with you agian on yahoo. I am happy that Ive been able to share these things especially with you. I cannot really find the words I want to respond further and to do it well. So I will leave it at simply thanking you and I will talk to you later on.
smooooooches
LyinEyes
My comment is this. Even if he isn't going to put an end to it right away, how about inspiring the authors of HIS WORD, to PUT AN AGE OF CONSENT in it. None of these religions have age of consents! When I fabricate my religion, that is going to be the first law. Thou shalt not fuck anyone under 18. Thou Shalt not fuck anyone that does not want thee to fucketh them. Thou shalt not destroy a child self esteem.
Something like that. I will keep you posted. Thanks darlin..
Nikita
Thanks lass. Hugs to you too. Kick ass nick
CrownBoy
Dude I am so glad there is osmeone that took the same path I did. Those two websites are my most favorite and I still refer to them this day. Also they are not trying to steer me in a certain direction. I get the feeling Randy's site is trying to steer me to christianity. Not heavily mind you. But I just needed at that time a site that didnt have anything to do with Jesus, to give me a different perspective. I am really glad I found it.
Thanks for the compliment. I wont complain that it was gripping and worth the time. I am trying to get my sisters to work with me to write the entire thing out. Who knows. One is not so keen on it. Time will tell.
Yadira
Smooches Yadira. Happy B-day to your daughter. Hehe.
Quotes
Your quote comes right after Yadira's. Perhaps that is providential. We should all celebrate together perhaps. If Yadira can get her Daughter online, and you can I can be online at the same time. That might be fun.
And yes the internet has been a tremendous help. That is why they do not want JWs going to it. My wife wont even look at these things. I told her last night it is tolerable to me that the woman I am with forbids discussing certain topics. And that the JWs make issues out of non-issues. Simply anything to set them apart. It fell on deaf ears and simply shows the degree of control they have over her and others.
Thanks for buzzin me. We'll talk again soon I hope.
Raven
In spite of all that darkness you three still saw the light. Even the dragonflys knew that.Those are the little moments of joy that remain from those times. We had a lot of them, I am, as I said, not pretending that it was all doom and gloom. But they can sometimes be overshadowed by the downs. Its like a bi-polar life.
One of the events I remember that christians will perhaps naysay, but I liked. And I am reminded of it because of a flower sitting by me. I call it lavender, but I am not sure. Some kind of white flowers, tiny that grow on the trees in spring.
One year we were in Corpus Christi. I cannot remember the one kid's name but the other was Tommy. We used to hang out everywhere together. About that time I got hold of Your Youth Getting the Best of it. It made me feel guilty about a lot of things. Thats a side point though and not what I wanted to say.
One day the other kid comes over and introduces Tommy and me to Dungeons and dragons. We were about 14. The scent of this flower hung heavy in the air. It was thick . Then we played. The memories from that gaming session, the memories of my character, what he saw, and did. Are as vivid today as when they occured.
But mostly the memories of what he smelled. And each spring when that scent is heavy in the air again, it just takes me right back.
So it is those little things that I remember that make me hapy about the life I have lived, despite or because of the other aspects that I did not like. I do not know if it is the same with my sisters. And because the little things mean so much, it is why little things bother me now. Or little things that happen now cheer me up.
There is a dark beauty to my life. And as I said I am thrilled to have lived it. I would change only the things my sisters suffered.
I am glad you were able to feel something. I cannot say more than that really. What can I say? Thanks for sharing with me though that you were affected.
Hugs to you and I hope we can talk, maybe more about the key. I am a bit lost on that.
MarchOn
Humor is a tool that I use to relax myself and others. I think we all have been trough so much, not just the folks on this board. I think that humor gives us a bit of respite. Sometimes we just need to laugh. First at ourselves. First at me. Some people cannot laugh at themselves so ia m here for them to mock, and joyfully so. If they do not mock me then I will do it to help them along.
Sometimes my humor is a bit dry and some do not realize it is humorous. Other times it is obnoxious. Yet other times just downright ludicrous. But those that get it have some fun with it.
Sometimes I am cynical that is true. Most times I am just goofy. Some take me a bit too seriously. But yes some I am happy to push away. I am actually far to trusting for my own good. It has caused me to get fucked royally sometimes. But in those cases I dont really care too much. I just sorta go on. Its usually money or stuff. The one area I am not trusting is of course kids. I watch folks with em. So perhaps thats the balance I dont know.
I would like to be clase to folks. And some I am close to. Being close means to me being able to talk about what is important. They should not have to fear telling me I have a bugger hangin from my nose. Or that I am acting like an asshole. Or have pissed them off. And the same for me.
What happens is there is a lot of bullshit out there. (My cynical side) And we just sometimes dont see it. So I have this persona, which is me, but is only a part of me. If someone chooses to peer through well. If not, and one makes a snap judgement and decides not to hang around me, then it is probably better for the both of us in that case.
You are definitely not alone. As I have said to a couple of folks on here, we can relate to each other in various ways. And that helps.
On a less humorous note. Why ARENT you stalking me damnit!
hehe.
Spaznik
Holy fuck! That poem was great.
I cant say much more than that but thanks.
ShaunaC
Well yes. Its brought out a lot of things that I had tried to lay to rest. Oh well. I am entering a manic phase again at least so I will be chipper and able to get a couple things done. Hopefully its been a kick start.
If it has helped other folks I wont complain. Dont know how it could or would. But agian...in any case I am glad for that.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Shauna. Hugs
======================
Hugs to everyone that commented. And for all your kind words. I know, like I said last time I posted, I sound redundant. but it does mean something special when folks can see it and understand me a little better.
Peace for now. I am going to go smell some of that Lavender (or whatever it is)
All I can say is Wow. One thing though, the abuse your sisters suffered is, wasn't or ever will be your fault. That was the fault of the abusers and of your mother for not protecting them. I wish you well and hope all in your life and the lives of your sisters and family goes well.
-Rick
Hello Hygh,
I've just stumbled onto your life thread by way of the infamous argue thread by way of your deactivate account thread - so I hope you see this?
No matter if someone else's account is better/worse than your account - it's not about that, it's about having a crappy childhood and adjusting your life to that fact, and hopefully getting on - which you seem to have done remarkably well. It's so tacky to treat our childhood like war stories and being proud of how big our scars are vs the size of someone else's scars. The scars are just there - nothing to be proud of nor a weapon against anyone else.
By putting your life down on 15 pages says something of the effort you were willing to put forth to present it logically, even with humor. Congratulations.
I'm sorry for all the controversy surrounding your life from a couple of posters on this board. And I hope to see you posting some time soon, or whenever. Thank you.
waiting
(((Hygh))) I never read this before. I'm glad I found it now. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you are healing from such an awful childhood.
To All:
Ive been rarely able to get online the past year and a half or so. Which means Ive not checked this link. Anyhow I just got a cable modem so I am back online for a while. I wont be spending a LOT of time in chat or on the forum, because Ive got studies to take care of now in prep for some exams coming up. Anyhow here are my responses:
Rmayer32:
Fault is relative. I didnt do the deed. But I could have done something about it. Or Society could have given us better tools to deal with abusers. Or kept better tabs on us. Or me dear ole mum could have been raised as a goddess who didnt tolerate abuse. Or women could be required by law to carry guns to take care of any dudes that abuse. The list of ors goes on.
In brief though..I do not blame myself. And I am a lot less angry than I was when I wrote this. Writing it helped deal with that anger. In addition it helped give folks I am in relationships with, an insite into my past. My future writings i imagine will be less biting. I am happy where I am now. Life is cool and I be diggin it yo.
Waiting:
I feel ya. Frankly..what happened to me happened. I feel that many more people have gone through far worse things than I have gone through. And some perhaps have gone through less things in theory but are a different makeup of person than I am..so are not able to bear even lighter loads as easily. I dont mind the controversy because it causes me to grow.
Religiously I am in a new church now(of my own making:D) which requires me to not just learn others religions..but become them. So Ive found the path Ive been looking for. Not sure wehther I will give the pentacostals a try first or the muslims, or both. The benefit of being a polytheist (or more accurately an inifinitheist, is that I can accept many gods, even those who claim to be the only ones...Not so much a duality as monotheism presents me with..but a multiality.)
Some of the humor was a bit...dang...:D
Bluesapphire:
YW. And dang girl you be SMOKIN. (I dont know WHAT you be smokin..... But you defnitely be smokinnnnnnnnnnnn)
:D
Goddess bless (thyselves)
Hygh,
The human spirit is strong and lives on and you are a good example of that. To work through such obstacles in life and then be able to carry on as you have is a real testament and inspiration to those who have had to survive abusive situations.
Much Love and continued healing thoughout your life,
cybs
Hygh, I have only encountered you one time and it was not pleasant. But I decided to read your story to see what makes you tick and I'm glad I did. I'm truly sorry that you endured what you did, and I salute you for getting your head around it and get your life together to move on. I really understand a lot about our encounter by reading this story. You showed a lot of courage in your lifetime. Be well.
Peace,
Sherry
Hy,
I remember meeting a loud, long haired character at the candle light vigil in Paducah Kentucky several years ago. I was still a JW in good standing wondering what my future was. We didn't last long without getting officially DFd.
Now Hyghlandyr reappears at JWD. I am glad to hear you are back to school. From our first encounter I wondered if you would be able to get past your wounds and become what you have the potential to become. Seems hopeful. Good to hear from you again.
Jst2laws
