Hello Everyone thanks for all of the comments.
I would like to state that I did not do this for a healing process. It was very hard for me to write all of this. I was surrounded by people here in the study and I had to push back the tears. I was very sullen all day and even snapped at Robert a friend of mine while I was in the middle of writing.
I have for years talked about it. My sisters and I talked about it all the time. We have talked to others about it. I have in the past written a little bit about it. But then lost my copies.
I wrote it because I have run into many here and on yahoo chat that want to know my story. And I have filled them in here and there. But not the complete story. If I were in voice I would just tell the story over and over again. But to type the same thing in chat is hard on the fingers. I would rather type sexual innuendo than repeat and rehash this again and again.
It is natural for people to want to know. And of course the person that asks me doesnt know, and doesnt know how many times Ive told it in the past. So I figured to save my fingers a workout, I would just type it once for all time.
And it hurt. When I am speaking I can move my harms, laugh, smile, sulk whatever. I cannot do that in text. Well I can but yall won't see it and it would look pretty silly to the people sitting around me.
I also want to say that I "know" it is not my fault. Sometimes I "feel" it is not my fault. Other times I feel the things were my fault. Feelings a mutable and change often. I am probably bi-polar or some variation of it. So my emotions can rapidly mutate. Sometimes and often I feel multiple conflicting emotions all at one time. At times like this, when I write things like this, I do not want to not feel it is not my fault. I have to feel it is.
Because I have neices. Keeping those feelings and knowing what they are, will remind me of the pain. Since I did not go through the molestation myself, this is as close as I can come to what my sisters experienced. The pain thus keeps it ever apparent in my mind to be vigilant. To tell my neices over and over to not let a man do these things. That they can tell us if someone tries. That when they grow older they can always come home if a man ever abuses them. And if he hits them, to hit his sorry weak ass back. Because most bullies are easy to control and resist if you challenge them right away.
LeslieV
Despite what I said about not writing this for a healing process, it always helps me when I do discuss it. I amnot saying I talk about it on a daily basis or anything. This is one thing I would not want to be an obsession. But yes it does help. Also you see above my comments about fault and emotions vs mind.
I want to thank you personally for your kind words.
Flower
Thanks for the french especially. It was therapuetic. Also, it just makes me think more about my personal soul-crafting and how I am doing it. Where I want to go. I will talk to you more about that later. I am glad I am getting to know you. It doesnt hurt that you are a hottie either. And for the nay-sayers, well being in the presence of goddesses heals a man. So there :P
Étreintes et baisers à vous jeune fille. En outre a juste voulu faites-vous savoir que vous semblez délicieux
SYN
I am Irish and something. Irish, French, Scandanavian. Possibly some German, but I avoid talking about that.
Several people have commented how my life was hard compared to theirs. I think we all have our stories. And the stories I have heard make mine pale sometimes. And no matter how hard theirs are, it doesnt make mine lovely. But I personally think my sisters had it far tougher than I did.
Thanks again for the things you said. I really appreciate them.
Cygnus
If all goes well I may be there eventually. I am going to really be concentrating now on business. All the things I mentioned, placing ads, writing software and so on. Even if it doesnt make me rich, it will give me enough money and time to start travelling again. This year I want to see Montana. I thought I was going to forego that, but now I amthinking of planning it, even if at the end of summer. I will also be able to swing up there and actually afford a nice room to spend for a week.
The next time you come down we'll do more than sit around watching me online.
Finally. Even though I skip and hop around and sometimes talk a long time sometimes only a few minutes with you, you are one of the relationships I am really glad I have. The antics that we've done on yahoo have helped me a lot. More than you know. Not just to work through the things and issues about what I dont like with Jehovah's Witnesses, but to become more balanced in realizing they are people too. Even if there are things that bug me about them.
Thanks.
Mimilly
Ah! Thanks for posting it back again in French. It is as I said lovely.
C'est très bien au sujet de votre langue n'étant pas si bonne. Je dois déclarer qu'I moi-même AM pas très bon à lui. En fait je suis terrible à parler la langue. Vos ressembler de photo à un modèle et vous shouldnt oublient cela. Comme j'ai dit au Flower, ainsi je dis à vous, vous semblez délicieux.
Nathan Natas
Above I made my comments about fault. As to forgiveness, sometimes I do, sometimes I do not. I just accept that now.
Sometimes I am decent. For me the question is, "Am I the man I wish to be?" The answer to that is yes. I am also soul-crafting the man I wish to be in the future. I am what I wish now and will be what I wish then. I do care about people, and used to wish I could help everyone, but until Ive helped myself it will continue to fail. In many respects. I cannot, 'save the world' and many of us have that desire. So now those that I can help and care for I do. But that doesnt mean I am tender with everyone. As I said earlier I snapped at my friend Robert. And I have more than snapped at people that were not my friends.
So the decent question is one of perspective. Some just wont think I am. Its fine. Some will judge me harshly and some wont.
I appreciate those that dont, when I need them not to be harsh. Many thanks to you again.
Plumkrzy
Opening doors is really what this post is about. As I said, I wrote it not so much for me, although there is no denying that it helps each time I do, but so that other people could have their questions answered. Not all. I left out a lot of things. But hopefully this will give people a perspective that even folks they dont like, are similar to them. Which I have said before. We all share our stories. We all have something we have gone through. And we don't need just those that are identical to us. We need people to shake us up. Some of yall definitely help shake me up.
Thank you again for your kind words Plum.
Lilacs
I think I saw bits and pieces of that movie. I will make a note to see it sometime soon. Movies have become part of my mythology and they are often good for helping us through things. You saw above my comments about blame. I wills ay sometimes I must blame myself. As I said..it is the way I remain connected to the pain, and thus the need to do something about it for others. Especially my neices and nephews. Writing this has brought even more seriously to my mind to do something. To participate in something related to child abuse. Perhaps volunteer somehow. I dont know. I will start looking up things I can do. Hope that explains.
Thank you darlin for your thoughts. I appreciate them.
Venice
Yes over a year now. That's why i wrote it. Now yall know a bit more about me. As to my positive, I have no explanation for it. One ex witness, stated I was a sensualist. I just like experiencing. That seemed fairly reasonable.
Thank you for your post Venice. Hugs.
Yadira Angelina
Deseo decirme realmente gocé el hablar con usted en el cuarto de la charla. Y sus postes a mí en el pasado. Sentía una conexión y me placía inmediatamente conocerle. Espero en el futuro que sabemos hablar muchas veces. No puedo decir mucho más pero agradecerle por sus palabras. Ha sido un viaje largo. Estoy afilado interesado en el que deba ahora seguir. Paz a usted.
Sirona
I cannot either. My thank yous are perhaps sounding redundant to some of you. But I wanted to thank everyone individually. Thank you also for commenting.
Dungbeetle
Thank you too lass.
========
Peace to you all. Many thanks finally and again.
Joseph James Frantz (My Birth Name) A former member of Jehovah's Witnesses. Congregations: North Olmestead and Wooster Ohio. If you know me feel free to contact me.
