breakup guilt

by fresh prince of ohio 92 Replies latest social relationships

  • fresh prince of ohio
    fresh prince of ohio

    My worst case scenario of the day: she will be bankrupted by medical bills.

    must.save.her.

  • fresh prince of ohio
    fresh prince of ohio

    i wake up every day at 3am and spend the next 3 hours worrying about her.

    Everyone is like 'fpoo, she'll be all right!' to which I respond, ok but what if she's not and won't be?

    When people tell me that I'm not responsible for her , it doesn't even register.

    i never knew I had all these codependency issues. I'll say it again for the umpteenth time: I feel like I have to go back to her and rescue her from her lonely, sad life. She's just so lost in the world without me and I think there's a possibility of her taking her own life.

  • nonjwspouse
    nonjwspouse

    For you to go back, and deny her the opportunity to find someone who finds her sexually attractive and loves her for who she is, her needines and all, would be unfair.

    She deserves better than that and you know it.

    Although it is better to stop the dependancy contact, maybe a tharapy session with the two of you is in order. Let her know you care so much but want more for her that you are able to emotionally provide. You being honest is the best thing for her (not brutally, with cutting or hurting words of course) Life goes on and gets better. One day at a time. Sure things hurt, but they also change and life is sometimes no place close to what we planned it. If we stay true to ourselves, it can be awesome. You both need seperate personal goals to work for.

    Today is a new day.

  • fresh prince of ohio
    fresh prince of ohio

    I wish I could find a workable way to be her friend and offer some support without getting sucked in to crazy-town.

  • caliber
    caliber

    did I love her enough to make a lifelong commitment to the relationship? No.

    how would I feel if I learned that she had found a new guy and was very happy with him? Ecstatically happy for her, and hugely relieved that my leaving her didnt crush her to the point of no return.

    so why do I keep thinking that I made a big mistake leaving her?

    Two factors keep couples together...... Love and /or entanglement

    ....if no romantic love remains then it is only entanglement

    You are stuck on routine , oneness of working together for the common good of each other plus empathy

    The struggle is to allow " of natural consequences to befall her" verses the compassion and empathy that your heart speaks to you to rescue her.

    The other extreme away from co-dependence is the psychopath where empathy is totally absent ... (all things are for me and my advantage alone)

    Empathy can be a higher principled form of love apart from romantic love

    1)Sympathy – feeling sorry for another’s hurt

    2)Empathy – walking in another’s shoes

    3)Compassion – love in action

    Your heart is struggling with step 3

  • fresh prince of ohio
    fresh prince of ohio

    Caliber, interesting info. So what do I do?

  • fresh prince of ohio
    fresh prince of ohio

    I think what this boils down to is finances.

    I have been able to "get ahead" at my place of work, at least to some degree, and thus after many years of grinding out a living and not saving much or having nice things, I now make more money than i need, by a considerable margin. I just sock most of it away in a savings account.

    When we were together, I took her to nice restaurants. I helped her buy a car. We traveled to Maine, New York, Upper Michigan. Always on my dime. I didn't mind.

    It's not that she doesn't work hard. But receptionist work doesn't pay well, and honestly she's not capable of much more than that. She is not business or computer savvy. It's no sin.

    She's way underwater with her condo mortgage. Hopelessly underwater. So, foreclosure at some point was always pretty much inevitable, although a bitter pill of course. It was a matter of when, not if. And so, of course what she wanted was to move into my place. She'd be able to garden. I could put her on my health insurance. She'd no longer have to work so much; she could rest and take it easy a little more. I know what some of you may be thinking, but, seriously....everybody has their limits. She gets very heavy periods, experiences intense PMS, experiences extreme fatigue, has major anxiety and depression....she's just not cut out for slogging it out in this world.

    I could have given her a better life. And I slammed the door in her face. Because she didn't satisfy my stupid ego.

    My supporting her, and caring for her, in a way was my middle finger to the cruel, beat-people-down world. You're not doing that to her. You do it to a lot of people, but not to her. So back the fk off.

    I think i will end up going back to her, or i will at least offer her ongoing financial support, at least as long as I'm able to (who knows, I could get laid off any day). I hear what everyone is saying, but, you know, you just can't do that to a girl. You can't do that to a girl. It's just so wrong to leave a woman out there to twist in the wind and struggle, especially one who has problems like she does.

  • problemaddict
    problemaddict

    Oh man. I admire your heart and feeling of responsability and honor. I really do. Only you truely know your relationship with her. I still can't help but wonder i you are really doing her any favors. Maybe you are like that last little bit of help that needs to go away before she get herself together and gets a beat on life?

    You think offering her ongoing financial support will "help" her? Maybe pay for her to take a trade or something. Teach a man to fish right? But you are going to just make this worse rather than better. I understand your intentions come from a good place, but you mgiht be doing more harm than good in the long run (you will grow old at some point after all and be that way for like 20-30 years).

    Only you know for sure of course.

  • losingit
    losingit

    Fresh Prince-- are you trying to be a gentleman? :-) :-) I do admire your heart and intention. Geezzzz I'd love to have a guy take care of me now so that I could take it easy instead of grinding it out in the world. But I'd want that man to love me, feel passion for me, be my partner in crime. Could you offer that too? I don't know if I could just settle for companionship? What about you? What about her? Just a thought, no judgment here at all. :-) :-)

  • fresh prince of ohio
    fresh prince of ohio

    problemaddict, the favor I'd be doing her would be to save her from homelessness or living in a dangerous section 8 apartment or having to move back to her parents place, which is located in a semi-rural area where there are few if any employment opportunities. Or suicide. Or institutionalization.

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