breakup guilt (page 2)

perfect1

Hi Fresh Prince!

Sounds like you were in a dyfunctional and even co-dependent relationship.

It worries me when, after all you have written you conclude with:

Anyway, I don't know what more to say. I feel like I may end up going back to her, even though I know how unhappy I was in the relationship, especially over the past year. But the guilt and anguish I'm experiencing over leaving her is just too muc

h.

WOW! Dude! Be strong!

Sometimes when you are in a relationship like this its like being inside a long dark tunnel. No, I am not going to tell you to look for the light at the end of the tunnel, you need to crawl out of the tunnel man!

Functional, happy, equal relationships do exist- and you could even have one! Dont let her low expectations affect yours. Climb out into the fresh Ohio air!

Maybe this lady will be alright, and maybe she wont. She may self destruct but I hope she doesnt. In any case staying with someone to prevent an implosion is not a good solution.

Cut her off- no phone calls, texts, or emails. Be strong and stoic like the Marlboro man and walk off into the sunset.

cognizant dissident

It does sound co-dependent. It wasn't a meeting of equals. She needed to be taken care of and you knew that but stayed with her anyway. Is there a part of you that needs to feel like the caregiver, the saviour, the on who has his shit together (which in a subtle way puts you in charge and in control)?

I'm guessing yes, because you are thinking of going back with her, not out of love and enjoying her company but to "save" her from potential suicide. That need on your part can be just as co-dependent as her helplessness and until you address that need in your self to be a rescuer, you might end up in the same kind of relationship with a needy woman all over again.

I speak from experience, because I'm a rescuer who has her act together and I'm very much out of balance with myself, spending too much time helping others and not enough time on what I want and enjoy. In return, I very much need them to love and appreciate all I do for them, which seldom happens leaving me feeling resentful because I do so much to care for others and no one takes care of me back. (Probably because I seem like I have my act more together than the people around me so what do they have to offer me) Sound familiar?

For every caring helper/rescuer out there, there are a thousand needy people waiting in line to be saved. It is endless and exhausting. Now is a good time to be selfish. Stay friendly, help her out where you can, don't be an asshole about it, but DO NOT go back and prolong the inevitable misery for you both. Maybe she will learn something from it and come out of it a little more independent and self-sufficient. Maybe not. That's her responsibility, not yours.

Perry

Get a hobby. Don't try to expect too much from one person. She already thinks you're the greatest. How long is your list of others who think that about you?

fresh prince of ohio

cog diz,

Is there a part of you that needs to feel like the caregiver, the saviour, the on who has his shit together (which in a subtle way puts you in charge and in control)?

I'm guessing yes, because you are thinking of going back with her, not out of love and enjoying her company but to "save" her from potential suicide. That need on your part can be just as co-dependent as her helplessness and until you address that need in your self to be a rescuer, you might end up in the same kind of relationship with a needy woman all over again.

Oh hell yes. Savior issues for sure, and I was definitely in charge and in control of the relationship, and her - I guess you could say that I became pretty controlling. And she played HER part in that equation. And that's why I'm so fearful for her - she has this 'I can't live without him' thing going on. I'm fearful for myself though too. Protecting her and helping her added a certain amount of meaning to my life, but at the same time it exhausted me and made me really crazy. But I feel this emptiness now.

She gets very, very attached to people and animals. Her grandfather died over 10 years ago, and she still cries about that. She still cries about this cat of hers that died a couple of years ago that was her special boy. I can't even imagine what the eventual death of her aging parents will do to her. And she was so, so completely attached to me. I can't imagine that she's anything but utterly devastated and destroyed right now - just a sobbing crying mess sitting alone in her condo. I hope she can find strength, I really do, but I'm doubtful after being with her for four years and seeing how her mind operates.

I'm not sure about the "shit together" part. I certainly don't feel that way a lot of days. Today especially! Sundays are always rough...

fresh prince of ohio

Thing is, is that SHE feels the need to save ME, and she worries about me like crazy. So it runs both ways.

I think that today has been the hardest day yet since the breakup. Wow, just...feeling it right down to my bones.

caliber

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((fresh prince of ohio))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I applaud you for sharing your feelings so honestly. sharing your feelings I beleive should not here seen as bashing your former lover... just processing in a reasonably safe place...... a human need.

Not GOING THROUGH YOUR BREAKUP ALONE. FACT: Most people don't process their breakup in a healthy way. We stuff negative or uncomfortable feelings down until they manifest in other ways (headaches, illness, depression, acting out)...

We isolate ourselves because we feel that no one can possibly understand what we're going through...

We self-medicate with food, alcohol, shopping (more likely a women here hee hee hee ....sorry ) or worse...

(take care of yourself the same way you would take care of a loved one who is hurting... gently, with love, compassion and respect.)

The truth is, going through a devastating breakup or divorce is much like grieving a death. It takes time - and some help - to get over a loss like this.

FACT: If you don't deal with your breakup properly, you are doomed to repeat your past mistakes

The silver lining of your breakup is that it can teach you many valuable lessons about yourself...if you're open to learning from it. But if you're in a

hurry to just get over your breakup without processing it in a healthy way, not only will you miss out on those enlightening lessons, but you will

most certainly create similar unhealthy circumstances in your future relationships

http://www.yourtango.com/proconnect/201085332/10-post-breakup-decisions-youre-sure-regret

You are directing your pain and frustration in a constructive way... and appear to be brutally honest with yourself

I hope for the best good buddy !!!

fresh prince of ohio

Thanks caliber.

this breakup is the most difficult thing I've ever experienced. Far more difficult than the leaving-JWs trauma i experienced back in 2002.

fresh prince of ohio

did I love her enough to make a lifelong commitment to the relationship? No.

how would I feel if I learned that she had found a new guy and was very happy with him? Ecstatically happy for her, and hugely relieved that my leaving her didnt crush her to the point of no return.

so why do I keep thinking that I made a big mistake leaving her?

anguish

jgnat

I think she has the hoarder's disorder. She is devastated by any loss by her. It's not the favorite cat she is thinking about, or her grandfather. She is mourning her loss. She'll never have that cat again, that grandfather again. She would never leave you for the fear of the devastation of her loss. It's incredibly self-absorbed. In a mature relationship, she would want what is best for her and for you. You gotta break out of her orbit, man.

fresh prince of ohio

Very insightful jgnat, thank you.

i hope she'll survive all this, learn from it and come away from it a better person. But she may not, and that's the part that really sucks.

breakup guilt

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