I wonder if I have some deep rooted fear of intimacy, and in fact do really love her, but am scared to death to commit.
breakup guilt
by fresh prince of ohio 92 Replies latest social relationships
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perfect1
Here I will highlight all the warning signs, my friend.
the writing is on the wall, as they say.
I recently broke up with my girlfriend of four years.
She is 40 years old, with health problems, financial problems, little family/friend support, and facing an uncertain future. I gave her some money.
The guilt I am experiencing right now is absolutely anguishing. She had very, very high hopes about our relationship and loved me very deeply. She is an intensely emotional person, I would give her an armchair diagnosis of having major depressive/borderline tendencies. I just never loved her the same way she did me, although I did come to care for her.
I felt like I was her protector, in some ways, her savior in this cruel and unforgiving world. So there was this whole existential aspect of the relationship.
I fear that she may lose all hope and decide to end her life.
She had me on this PEDESTAL. It was like, she was so amazed that I was ever in a relationship with HER . So, it never felt like a meeting of equals. And now that I've left her, her interpretation is that she's been rejected cold by the most wonderful amazing man in the world (i'm really not all that).
She is reasonably intelligent in most respects, but has a certain naivete about things that doesn't serve a single woman living in a big city very well.
She has deep-rooted self esteem issues, had a traumatic childhood, and has a horrifying existential fear that 'nobody will ever love her'. Thing is, I DID love her. And she has people in her life who DO love her. But I loved her more in a friendly, caring way that comes with knowing a person over a long period of time.
The relationship became quite toxic towards the end, with lots of fights. I found her exhausting to be in a relationship with - she was always having some kind of crisis. The resentment and tension built up to the point where cruel words were spoken by me to her on more than one occasion.
One of the biggest challenges i had all along was that I didn't find her sexually attractive. At least not very much. We did have sex, but usually only once every couple of weeks. Always initiated by me. She wasn't capable of spontaneous displays of affection towards me - just too fearful and nervous. I think the lack of sexual attraction was because she just never carried herself with any confidence or verve. On our first date, I walked into the restaurant and saw her (we met online) and she looked at me with this fearful expression, which was an expression that i became all too familiar with and exhausted by over the years. I learned later that she was certain that I was going to take one look at her and turn around and walk right out, if that tells you anything about her confidence.
Anyway, I don't know what more to say. I feel like I may end up going back to her, even though I know how unhappy I was in the relationship, especially over the past year. But the guilt and anguish I'm experiencing over leaving her is just too much.
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fresh prince of ohio
perfect1, funny how my memory is starting to play tricks on me. I just want to believe that it was salvageable. So that I can go rescue her. Because she needs to be rescued and it's all on me.
She can't stand on her own two feet, emotionally or otherwise. And I abandoned her to this nasty world.
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jgnat
I repeat, there are other rescuers out there. Better them than you. You are replaceable. I am sure one of the holds she has on you is that you are the only one who can take care of her. Bit of an ego boost but it's not true.
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fresh prince of ohio
see jgnat, the thing is, is she wasn't all dysfunctional neediness. She really is a very sweet, likeable, and big-hearted person. And she's been hurt a lot in life, and she found REFUGE in me. Is that so bad? To be a place of refuge for a person that, although deeply flawed, has a good heart?
I feel like i turned my back on a good friend. I think about trying to be friends with her, but that could be a serious minefield. Not sure if it could be negotiated.
I became a JW mostly because I was extremely idealistic, and saw life in THIS WORLD as being so empty and painful and sad. All those feelings have come rushing back in on me so hard since this relationship ended. Those feelings about drove me mad as a young man, and it's not much better now.
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LisaRose
Yes, there was a reason you picked someone so needy. It gave you a focus and it made you feel good to help her. But that is not a healthy dynamic, nor was it good for her, as long as you were there, she didn't need to stand on her own two feet. You need to work on these issues, this emptiness you feel, before you are ready for a relationship.
It's not impossible, it does take work.
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fresh prince of ohio
It's so sad that she doesn't understand that she's needy and exhausting. She needs so much, that I don't think life can ever give her, and I wonder if she'll just die alone and confused and hearbroken.
Life....you are terrible.
Can you all see why i was such easy pickings for the jaydubs? I'm just so freaking sad over all the suffering in the world. I really really am. That message of human perfection, freedom from pain and death and emotional suffering....it all sounded so so good to me. Like beyond good. I was thrilled beyond measure to have gained that hope.
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fresh prince of ohio
Lisarose, why is that such an unhealthy dynamic? She's a lonely girl, not the most savvy person, trying to make it in the big city. She needs help! Again, it's a nasty world.
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losingit
Alrighty, have you beenin contact with her since you broke up? What is she saying? We're only getting one side.
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fresh prince of ohio
We had an email exchange. She misses me so much. She's glad I'm in therapy. She was hoping that i'd be hers forever. Everything reminds her of me, etc.
She writes very well, and the words were so sincere and heartfelt. It's that last email she sent me that put me into this hell of guilt and second-guessing that i've been in ever since.