just support please

by Roberta804 61 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • justmom

    Dearest Roberta

    I just read your story and wanted to also send my prayers and thoughts to you. You are by your mothers dying side and have been for 8 years. She knows this and feels this even if she cannot express it today. That is what "The Love of Christ" is about. That is a witness that your JW family cannot say they have been a part of. I lost my Mom two years ago and I tried to offer myself regularly in the end and she refused because I was a "so-called apostate" So although this time is so hard and exhausting, you will look back and always know you did the loving thing.

    may you find comfort

    Love Justmom

  • Roberta804

    If I could give every single one of you a bear hug I would..... Hugs.

    Here is an update: She is resting peacefully, using morphine and Ativan. She recognizes me, and she is scared, thus the ativan. Hospice nurse says she has about 3 or 4 days if that.

    My niece and nephew (both ex-Jws) came Monday and Tuesday. They were great... and let me add this... not having to tippy toe around all my JW relatives was a very good decision. I and they, could just be ourselves. She rallied a bit yesterday and they used the opportunity to have speak by phone (or listen) to the JW side of our family. Thehery were great gatekeepers keeping conversations nutural.

    Later on Tuesday evening Brother "I need your time" called wanting to speak with my mom. "She is on her death bed and I am allowing only certain visitors to see her" I replied. He came back and said, "Can I see her, talk with her?", "No you can't, just family" "Well I understand that even some family can't see her", he retorted. "Your right, that is my call". Boundries, boundries. But that wasn't all..... "Do you have any arrangments made, where will her funeral be?". "My parents prearranged their funerals 20 years ago and mom's plans do not involve you" (you'd think he would get the hint by now) Demandingly, "Well where is her funeral going to be? You need someone to give a talk!" My, oh my, he just keeps stepping in it. "No she does not need anyone to give a "talk', I have picked out who will give a ulagy (sp) " "Who?", "None of your business, but thank you for your interest, good by"

    Bless my parents who pre-arranged their funerals 800 miles from here where my father grew up.

    You guys are keeping me strong........ and as a result this most difficult time is a peaceful time for mom AND me. Bless all of you.

  • digderidoo

    I am sorry to hear of your situation.

    My viewpoint is that you should allow the family to see her, unless she has stipulated that she doesn't want to see them. By doing that you would be rising above the way they have treated you in the past. I think you should examine your motives as to why you will not allow them to see her, whether it is out of concern for your mother or revenge and a way to get back at them for the way they have treated you. By having your mother living with you for the few years that she has, then surely there should be an expectation that she should see her grandchildren on her deathbed.

    I really feel in this most difficult of times that you should put your anonymosity to one side and rise above the way have treated you in the past. At present you are just giving them the justification for the way they have treated you.

    If i were on my deathbed i'd want to see my grandchildren.

  • jgnat

    I'm checking in to see how you are doing. It sounds like you are making it as good for you and your mom as you can. Warm hugs all around.

    Doesn't that elder know any better to wait to talk about funerals until...you know...she is gone? His motives are pretty transparent, and it has nothing to do with providing comfort to your mother.

  • Roberta804


    I would rather be seen as a mean aunt, cousin or whatever than have them come into my home only to have to throw them out for their behavior. I have to take care of myself too as well as keeping the house clam and peacefull for mom. I have not held her friends from her, those who I know who can park their religion at the door, relitives and JW friends of hers, are welcomed and have visited her. But those, I KNOW are unable to comply by my rules, in my house, over the past 8 years I have cared for mom, those who I have opened my front door for and they walk past me like I am not even there, no, I can not, and will not welcome them in my house again.

    You may be coming from the stance that they have to avoid me because of the religion...... No. I come from the view point that they are human beings first, and are responsible personally for their behavior. They do have a choice.

  • mamochan13

    Roberta - you are in such a difficult place. I think it's really important that you do what you need to do in order to keep yourself strong and together right now.

    During the last few days we had to limit visitors, too, but my mom was still able to make the decision on who she wanted to see and for how long. She was still in her own home at that point. It would be good if your mom could have the same choice over who she wants to see right now. But as her caregiver you also have a responsibility to do what's best for her, in order to keep her as comfortable and free of anxiety as possible.

    It's a shame that some members of your family chose to behave so badly towards you in the past. Makes me wonder what they are hoping to accomplish at this point.

    My mom insisted that we have a frank discussion about her funeral several weeks before the end. She laid out exactly what she wanted and entrused my sister with it (not me, of course, cuz I'm not a JW). That your mom has also done this removes a major burden from you. Thank goodness for that.

    These kinds of situations certainly highlight some of the uglier things about this religion. Stay strong. We are with you.

  • LoisLane looking for Superman
    LoisLane looking for Superman

    Roberta804>>>>>You Rock Girl!

    You wrote your conversation you had on the telephone with Bro Do you have any time? perfectly. It made me feel like I was there with you, listening on a speaker phone. I am glad you were able to give such a good reply to him. He was probably thinking, um January...bad weather out, I can get maybe 2 hours in giving this talk...1/2 hour formally...5 minutes for the deceased, 25 minutes on sales meeting pitch...with the new Listen-Obey- and get screwed song. Then before and after shaking hands, working the worldly friends & relatives. Yeah. I'll count 2 hours.

    Oh Roberta. You are a gem, and your mom knows it.

    Hugs to you Both.

    Just Lois

  • digderidoo

    If it's what your mother wants and you think there may be some arguing or tension between her and her grandchildren, or you feel that by them discussing religion around her it isn't what she wants and would create further tension then you are doing the right thing.

    But your posts seem to come from the angle that it is about you and your rules, along with your feelings on the way you have been treated by them. I may have it wrong and its just the way i read it, but to me not allowing them in (if she wants it) is stooping to their level of conditional love for family, maybe its a way you're gaining the upper hand or power over them again. Personally i believe there is more power in being dignified toward them.

    One of my greatest memories is seeing my grandmother in her last few days surrounded by family, many children and many, many grandchildren. There is a split in our family, not JW related, but a split nonetheless ... yet in front of her this split was put aside for her. It was different in another part of the house where the split was evident, but in front of her, in her room, we all knew it was her last days and wanted to spend our last moments with her. Many of those moments she was laughing.

    I'm sorry if i come across as harsh, that isn't my intention and i'll not post anymore on the matter or this thread as its obviously a difficult time, I just think in moments like this the focus should be about her last days and her family, rather than the focus being about whats going on between yourselves.

  • Roberta804


    Sorry, I keep forgetting you only know what i post. Over a year ago I saw how anxious my mom got whenever "Brother I need you time" would call or just pop over unannounced. She has severe dementia and he would push and prod her to cough up 15 minutes of time. NOTHING IS WORSE for a dementia patient than to be asked something that entails memory. She would be upset for days and wouldn't even remember what upset her so. The sisters were always coming over as she was not able to attend the meetings and talk about the latest nonsense which almost always included to do more in FS or the importance of attending the meetings. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Even second hand, it was nothing but guilt. Over time I have learned to become her gate keeper and now that she is at her worse, I don't open the gate very wide.

    And to be perfectly honest, I am protecting myself too, as I should. I am at her beside day and night and I need supportive people around me too. As a caretaker, her health/peaceful death, is greatly dependent on me. As I was her daughter to bring up as she saw fit, she is my mother to care for as I see fit.

  • Nika Bee
    Nika Bee

    Just thinking of you.

    Be strong in this difficult time. Don't let people overstep boundaries. I hope this difficult time will go by peacefully for both of you.

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