just support please

by Roberta804 61 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • Roberta804

    I have had to make some very difficult decisions in recent days. In one way I feel good about takeing care of myself and my mother who is on her dead bed in the room next to me. Mom has live with me since 2005 and started to make her journey to the other side on Christmas day. In other ways I hate to feel that I am being rude to others. She may live only a week if that.

    Over the past few days I have had to take a hard look at what I can and can not handle in my own home. 3 JW sisters came to visit mom yesterday. They asked if they could visit her. I did like that they asked permission instead of barging in and announcing they wanted to see her. Respect goes a long way with me. However I was worried about any guilt trips they would leave in their wake as they usually do. "Come on in, just park your religion at the door". They stopped in their tracks and so I explained that their visit was to be comforting, nothing about attending meetings "when" she gets well, or encouraging her to use the call-in phone meeting. They agreed and complied. She had a nice visit.

    On the other hand are all of my cousins, neices and nephews who in the past, not only did they not show me any respect, they went out of their way to make sure I knew I wasn't welcomed. If they called to talk with mom and I answered the phone, they could not even give me a proper salutation. "Is Grandma there" is all I would hear. So friends I made the decision that if they cannot be respectful of me, why in the world would I invite them into my home? I would be insane to let those who I KNOW would treat me disrepectfully into my home at the time I am losing my mother. So I called the only two of my family who are also ex-JW, who I have developed a relationship with, who do understand and respect me. They are flying in tomarrow. I then got two angry calls from those described as above. They tried to argue that they have never been disrespectivfull, and I was being overly mean keeping them from seeing their dying grandma. They said more words to me yesterday than they have said in the past 28 years. Sad to say there was not an appology in any of those words. Oh and get this: One of them said I am making this a religious issue .

    So my friends I need your support though these difficult days. And oh Aunt Connie? I would love to hear from you!

  • finally awake
    finally awake

    I'm sorry you are facing difficult times. No matter the circumstances, death of a loved one is painful. I am glad to hear that you are drawing healthy boundaries. There is no reason to allow people to trample all over you. ((hugs))

  • mrsjones5

    They have to behave and be respectful to see your mother. But unfortunately a death in the family tends to bring out the worst in some folks. I think you're being a good daughter to sheild your mom in her final days from that madness. Her last days should be peaceful.


  • happy@last
    [email protected]

    I'm so sorry to hear your situation. Not knowing the whole story, all I can say is: what would your mum want? I understand why you feel so strongly about those showing such disrespect, have they said they want to visit? If you feel for the sake of your mum you will let them see her, make sure you set the ground rules as you did with the 3 JWs. It's such an emotional time, I really feel for you.

  • eva luna
    eva luna

    You are doing good Roberta.

    It's hard watching a loved one go . But you are keeping a rational mind.

    I admire you for taking care of your Mother for these last years.

    Protect her as best as you can, so she has a peaceful journey.

    Love and peace to you and your Family


  • jgnat

    This is a tough one. People remember the slights during a time of grief and it sticks harder than a regular memory because of the milestone. Even though they are in the wrong, they are going to remember this slight. Maybe that is no loss. It's not like they worked on the relationship before.

    I am glad you are going to have supportive people around you.

    How about this? Full access for the respectful JW sisters. Full access for your ex-JW relations that understand. Everyone else, they are going to have to address you by name when they call, shake your hand at the door and look you in the eye, say please and thankyou, and limit their visits to ten minutes.

    As for the reason for the rules, remind them that you are the caretaker, are very tired, and must have respect in your own home in order to cope with the demands. Remind them that grandma is very tired, too.

  • caliber


    just this now and let me gather some thoughts

    Personal boundaries are your right... even more so to be guarded since in the past they have disrespected you

    The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves. We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us. A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves. That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us

    wounded souls and broken hearts and scrambled minds these clutter things

  • Roberta804

    This is so hard guys....harder than I ever expected. She is delusional and not responsive and all I can do is hold her hand. She keeps saying she sees a "cloud of people". I hate the noise the oxygen machine makes, I can hardly hear her above it. Please stay with me guys, your all I got right now. I really appreciate your support.

  • jgnat

    I had to say goodbye to my BIL when he was on too much morphine to respond. First time he didn't get in the last word. I just told him everything he wanted to hear.

  • eva luna
    eva luna

    I've been there too Roberta.

    Music helped hide the sound of the oxegen machine. MY loved one's favorite place was Hawaii, he loved the music. So that is what brought him a smile . That and a dab of orange oil on a moist cloth. Orange oil brings a smile. It's the Happy Oil.

    It may feel she is delusional or nonresponsive, it's hard to know for sure. Holding hands and reminising about funny, happy memories will do you good and I belive your Mother too.

    I am with you, sending courage, support and love.


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