Need Some Tough Love & Help

by Simon Morley 100 Replies latest jw friends

  • mrsjones5

    I bet the therapist will tell your wife it is not a good idea to blab your private sex life to your daughter. I'm willing to put money on it.

  • Simon Morley
    Simon Morley

    I am stating to come to terms with things. Another night on the basement couch. I am going to broach the subject of going back to our therapist as early as possible. I am am also reconciled in my mind that I have masterbated over the years more than I have viewed pornography. It was a release of tension, self-soothing and was quick. It got easier to that than take care of my wifes needs. I see it and get it. I can change, the porn is not an addiction its another way for release from tension for me. The bad side is that I negelected my wife - It is not that I don't love my wife - I do. I am going to try to bring it back together - but ist going to take al lot of time. Thank you to all for you help and comments, lts move onto other things.

  • mrsjones5

    I wish you well Simon. I hope things work out.

  • dazed but not confused
    dazed but not confused

    And the truth comes out. but she reminds me of my lack of affection during 20 years as JW's and the baggage she and my daughter carry because of the hypocrisy she now sees in me. Now she is sobbing unconsolingly saying this is the last straw, that I have not cared or loved her all (yes, I was not a great husband) the years in the JW's, that i lorded it over and that any shred of repect is gone

    I just read the thread. You were a piece of shit husband for a number of years. I was a piece of shit husband for years too. My wife and I will be celebrating our 10 th anniversary this coming year. The first 7 years I was drunk nearly 6 usually 7 days a week. I was a functional alcoholic. It affected my relationship with her. Not work, not other friends and never a DUI but it was devastatingly destructive to our marriage. I never hit her but punched holes in walls and doors. Once a wall near her. Needless to say I was an asshole. She caught me one looking at porn one drunken night. I thought she was sleeping. When I was sober the next day it was bad. “You betrayed me. This hurts me” ect. But we got through it. I only made the mistake of getting caught once. It took a while but she got over it.

    This Dec 3 rd was 2 years for me being sober. This April would have been 3 years but I fell off the wagon from Nov 29 th to Dec 2 nd 2010. You see, the 7 months prior to those 3 or 4 days I was sober, but my wife who is not a big drinker, would drink around me or have one before I got home and I could smell it on her breath. I am extremely sensitive to smelling alcohol on others now that I’ve stopped drinking. I told her over and over how much it bothered me that she drank. And if she didn’t want me to drink she has to stop, that I can’t be around it.

    For those few days I got really drunk. She went to the elders immediately. Now I felt betrayed by her. She didn’t say anything to me about it - just went and told them. I stopped drinking on Dec 3 rd and packed a bag and left her. I told her I wanted to still be in my son’s life but that I couldn’t be with her. I want to be sober and I can’t with you drinking around me. Long story short, we worked it out and she hasn’t had a drink in over 2 years either.

    HERS MY POINT-Sorry for the long post but my point is sometimes you just have to move on and be willing to leave. Like others have said- she seems to have overreacted. But this doesn’t seem to be just about the porn. It may be the tipping point she was waiting and possibly looking for. Give it time…maybe a few weeks. See what happens. Then turn it around on her and say “if you want to throw away 40 years then that’s on you. I promise not to do this anymore, I didn’t think of the consequences and didn’t think how this would affect you…ECT” Chances are she will come around and trust you. If not she may not be worth the effort. But make sure you take your lumps and make the effort. See how it turns out. For me and my wife it took me being willing to move on to wake her up. GIVE IT MORE TIME. Best of luck!

  • finally awake
    finally awake

    I am a woman, and I don't care if my husband looks at porn or plays with himself, as long as he is up to satifying me when I'm interested. It sounds like your wife has a whole host of issues, and the porn thing is largely a scapegoat. I am guessing that she blames you for pretty much everything negative that has ever happened, and she seems to feel unloved and unappreciated. She may have some valid points, or she may be 100% nuts, but if you love her and want to keep her, you are going to have to figure out how to show her that love in a way that she will understand. You may be trying to do all the right things, but they might not be the things she really wants or needs you to do.

  • dazed but not confused
    dazed but not confused

    My wife and i have been through alot. but we both wanted it to work out. BOTH of you must be willing to try and make changes. Again, she may be relieved this happened, maybe she was lookin for a way out? Only you can know this is in retrospect.

  • mrsjones5

    I get that feeling too. It feels like an excuse, a way out for her and she's willing to destroy your relationship with your daughter in the process. Sounds like a whole lot of drama.

  • dazed but not confused
    dazed but not confused

    And everything MRSJONES5 said is spot on.

  • jwfacts

    My wife is really, really angry saying she could handle adultery better and wants me out of the house and her life.

    That is an extreme over-reaction. When my sister caught her elder/bethelite husband on a porn site, she said it was as bad as adultry, which I felt was also a crazy over-reation. Most balanced people have no issue with their partners watching porn, and some of the best couples I know enjoy porn together.

    As expressed already, you need to work out what your wife's issues are, and don't let her make you feel guilty or place all the blame on you.

    She is debating going to the therapist tomorrow to see what she would recommend as to how to tell our daughter.

    As far as telling your daughter, I hope your wife is not seriously considering that, which seems like a form of blackmail if she has threatened it. Going to a therapist will be a good idea, as the therapist should be able to help her see that what you have done is nothing to be ashamed of and quite normal.

  • l p
    l p

    Simon i sent you a pm


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