Need Some Tough Love & Help

by Simon Morley 100 Replies latest jw friends

  • l p
    l p

    Yes Simon, I agree with the posters here.... Masturbation is a need for a man...and it should not be viewed as dirty or abnormal....I agree that the religion is affecting your wifes response due to the conditioning...however not all non-jws like porn either and i know of some women that would feel hurt and degraded by it can't be all thrown back at religion...i know one of my ex bosses won't allow her son to have magazines that show women scantily clad and posing in them....and i guess when you think about it she has 2 other daughters in the same house and this could have a degrading effect on those young developing its not a case of she's a jw or ex jw and is irrational .....but i dont think she should be getting all uptight that you were into it when you guys were in....who cares.....we all know that cult is damaging to people...

    and I will come out and say know my previous posts...i still stand by them bec we need to make sure we dont hurt other people but......i dont think there is anything wrong with are not a bad person....really this is something that perhaps turns you on....good for are NORMAL....this is not a perversion...well at least i dont think so...its looking at good looking nude women...thats not a perversion.....children would be though...

    i think you should let your wife see that you are hurt that you hurt her...but as other posters have said you both need to get to counselling quickly....


  • HBH

    I'm new here, but would like to help if I can. Remember that women generlly deal with problems talking. She will also need to understand male sexuallity. Men are hardwired with the ability to seperate and combine sex and love exclusivly. It is not a betrayal if you, for instance, had a dream of having sex with someone that is not your wife, and vise versa.

    You have done the right thing, you have been honest and this was not deliberate, just a weakness, and have asked for forgiveness.

    How this runs it's course will now be up to her behavior. No matter how close she is to her/your daughter, she should not be told about this, or if so, at the very least untill after the issue has run it's course. And IMO you should request that. If she acts vindictivly, and does not forgive you. She would be creating a much greater problem and that would be far worse than what you have done.

    To err is human, to forgive is divine.


  • nugget

    Women react differently to pornography. However as you have said it is the hypocrisy she objects to more than the the act itself. For a JW woman status is wrapped up with the status of the husband, humiliation for you is humiliation for her. Throwing you under the bus raises her status as by sacrificing you she is shown to be loyal and super spiritual. By broadcasting your failings she ralies support to herself receiving affirmation that you are a pig and she is a saint. This is what the religion does to people.

    However it is early days and she is in the ranting and vindictive phase, she is giving her own predicament a greater moral dimension to feed her outrage. You probably need professional help to work you way through this. All you can do is apologise and admit blame and reassure her of your love and regret. Whether she accepts this or not is up to her. She needs some time and space, if you push too hard for a swift resolution you will force her hand.

  • Mickey mouse
    Mickey mouse

    When I was a JW I was disgusted and angry when I found out my husband liked looking at pictures of beautiful women and had a couple of arguments about it. Poor git, it wasn't even porn, just an underwear catalogue. It was a wholly programmed response due to my skewed view of sex courtesy of the Watchtower. Can I take it your wife is a JW?

  • Simon Morley
    Simon Morley

    All: My wife and daughter left first in mid 2009 after a debacle involving university (long story). I left in February 2010, yeah made easier by their exit. We have not been at a meeting now in over three years. Today has been pure hell for her, endless capitalized texts that call me a pedofile, porn pig, you can imagine how vitorilic it is. The site I visited was not anything to do with children or violence.

    Nothing I say has any merit it simply rings hollow (rightly so I guess) and the anger has subsided some as the garage was full of my stuff for the garbage and she threw a bottle at my car when i got home tonight. Now she says she is out to ruin me "110%"by telling my boss, coworkers, ex JW's and that to expect the elders to get wind of it and "get you DF'd". She says there is no hope as we were at counseling in September and I did not come clean then - things were great until yesterday. She said that she felt a glimmer of hope, a small thread that is now gone.

    Now she is sobbing unconsolingly saying this is the last straw, that I have not cared or loved her all (yes, I was not a great husband) the years in the JW's, that i lorded it over and that any shred of repect is gone - she keeps asking how I could do this - I cant seem to find the words that would help. Any offer to say that we can work though this is met with more vitrolic. I know this can be beat, but it will not be easy. I went three months without going to sites, yesterday i actully got up and walked away leaving the computer on but the stupid sites left up. I wish I could do soemthin positive to show that this not the end, but she reminds me of my lack of affection during 20 years as JW's and the baggage she and my daughter carry because of the hypocrisy she now sees in me.

    She does not know if she can keep it until after Xmas and tell my daughter then. She is debating going to the therapist tomorrow to see what she would recommend as to how to tell our daughter.

    Another thing to pile on top - my wife now has shingles very bad and painful. I feel an abosolute s#it.

  • Simon Morley
    Simon Morley

    It will bother my daughter - I am 100% on that - her 1st husband was a JW and much the same happened. She is married again and very happy.

  • Simon Morley
    Simon Morley

    00DAD: you mentioned the fact that the WTBTS has recently written letters to the BOEs softening the stance on even elders viewing pornography proves it's very common and not going away. Do you have some specifics yopu could share?

  • Broken Promises
    Broken Promises

    Your wife is seriously over-reacting.

    Unless your boss and co-workers are JWs, they will laugh at your wife for making such a big deal over nothing. Because it is nothing.

    And your daughter shouldn't be drawn into this. It's none of her business and daughters don't want to know what goes on in their parents' sex lives.

    And I'm a woman, for what it's worth. I don't think you're the devil for looking at regular porn. Every guy does it.

  • transhuman68
  • jgnat

    I don't know why your wife is obsessing about this. I am a different kind of woman. I knew from the beginning that my hubby loves all kinds of women. He is a complete hetero, panting, dirty old man. I tell people that for him, the world is full of beautiful flowers and he loves them all.

    I can handle his panting as long as I am getting my cuddles.

    Where did your wife get the idea that she is less than lovable and fully desired?

    There is something more going on here.

    I agree that there is no reason to drag your daughter in to this. She should at least have the option to NOT hear it if she doesn't want to.

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