Need Some Tough Love & Help

by Simon Morley 100 Replies latest jw friends

  • Simon Morley
    Simon Morley

    mrsjones5: Thanks, I am starting to come out of the fog a bit more - I think that my wife putting it off till after Xmas is a good sign - if she wanted to destroy me she would have got on the phone first think this morning. I honestly believe the low T is a major contributing factor - I never masturbated frequently - Once over a 6 - 8 week period at most. My hugest fear with intimacy with my wife was the failure to maintain the erection and loose it midway - I wanted to avoid that. Low T also gave me weight problems and HBP (160/120)

  • wasblind

    My ole man got flicks so old, if you look at 'em today you'll laugh

    Folks make to much out of a natural curiousity that's only hurtful when it

    gets out of hand

  • perfect1

    mrs. jones as always is the voice of reason here.

    Listen Simon- on two counts:

    I have been in the position of your daughter. My mom thought she was gonna get god knows what from me when she told me. My response to the news was- what kind, mom.

    She didnt know.

    Was dad a softcore playboy bunny, Bdsm kinda guy, full on pedo, I mean, so many things fall into the cateogory of porn. The thing is, mom got no sympathy from me. In fact I was angry at her for telling me. Most children try to ignore their parents sex life, knowing a detail like this is uncomfortable, and yes, none of my business. NONE OF YOUR DAUGHTERS CONCERN. Your wife drawing your daughter into this is a disrespect of her boundaries.

    My Dad was an elder and you know, once you are of a certain age the word elder has no gleam. I did not idealize him. I kind of felt sorry for him that he had a porn habit. Their marriage was so silently f-ed up- I just felt sorry for them for being so self centered that they could not communcate. I believe I told my mom this was no big deal and she shouldnt take it personally.

    Now, I am a bit of a libertine, but even I felt betrayed on finding porn on the computer I lent to my ex. Why- because he was sneaking it. He tried to cover it up and when I confronted it he denied it first until I said i knew with certainty what he had been doing. In this case, I was disturbed more by the sneaking and lying and the fact that we a rocky sex life. As it turned out, this wasnt the only thing he was sneaking- he had cheated on me multiple times. This is the case of porn indicating other problems and lies.

    Watching porn with your partner can also introduce a sort of weird dynamic of self consciousness- so I am leaving it out of my marriage- although I do look at things on my own sometimes- and I dont view it was wrong, dirty, or a lie. My husband would smile if he knew what I was up to. That is healhty.

    I would go to counseling ASAP. Why- because even though you are reaching out to us and people are offering your sound advice you are insisting on the same things- you are trapped in the shared reality between you and your wife. You need a neutral third person to set you both straight and ride this out. Your marriage doesnt need to end, DO NOT INVOLVE YOUR DAUGHTER. Spare her, for gods sake.

  • happytobefree

    Simon Morley

    I am a women.

    ...when i was a JW...I woke up and found my ex husband watching porn. It made me feel uneasy...because of my JW conditioning and lack of understanding of male sexuality. Well I cried and told my ex husband that it made me feel that I was not taking care of him sexually. He was amazed that I was that upset. But explained that watching porn was something that help spice up our marriage and that he masterbated everyday...I was simply amazed. He did not let me put any shame on him (he was never a JW). Long story short...he ask me to watch with it ended up being a very healthy addition to our sex life. And actually empowered me as a women and help me to realize that I'm responsible for my sexuality. you wife's response is so over the top. If she want to give up a 40 years marriage over sound as if you have bigger issues. I think it's crazy and unhealthy to talk to your daughter about this. But I would not be surprised if your daughter would probably laugh and tell her to chill. If my mom came to me with this issue...I would probably take her to the sex toy shop and purchase some toys and some porn to loosen her up.

    ...but I really love the advise of mrsjones and Qcmbr. I really feel her tryiing to shame and guilt going to make the attraction to porn more appealing...that's just my view.

  • Simon Morley
    Simon Morley

    Doc: Thanks you have a PM

  • maninthemiddle

    As someone who was 30 when my parents decided to air their difference including about sex, I have to say your daughter does not want or need to hear anything about it.

  • Witness My Fury
    Witness My Fury

    If your wife is out of the JWs (3rd xmas so she must be...) then why cant she read here?

    If she read this thread a few times thru she may have a different outlook, or she may freak out even more... only you are in a position to know.

    You have laid your soul bare here and she may see that and recover a bit...

  • Giordano

    I am having a difficult time understanding your reaction let alone your wife's. In my experience when I was a JW the habitual confessions pertaining to this issue reeked of self absorbed stupidity. My advice was shut the hell up about it. If god didn't want us to masturbate he wouldn't have made it part of our sexual experience.

    Never demean yourself nor be demeaned by allowing fools to redefine some basic and natural responses to various types of stimulation. Are you guilt tripped because your over weight and want to have a slice of pie? Do you enjoy smoking the occasional joint or having a glass of wine? Watching a little porn and self satisfying yourself is just another way to experience some pleasure.

    Second Point: I found the following on line. It is a reasonable representation of my feelings about this subject.

    "Pornography is the depiction, both feigned and real, of physical interactions between human beings and other human beings and/or other stimuli. Like any other set of interactions--economic, social, spiritual, etc.--it spans a gamut that ranges from debased and degrading on the one hand to genuinely exciting and mutually "beneficial" (with respect to pornography this would mean arousal, heightened sensory awareness and confidence, and of course orgasm)."

    In conclusion a year ago I had a need to visit a proctologist.......... during our discussion I was educated as to the purpose of the prostate gland. Essentially it makes sperm. That's it and like any other part of the body it needs to be exercised. Which is a polite way of saying it needs to be emptied which is accomplished with an organism. My doctor recommended at least once a week. How this was to be accomplished was left up to me.

    Now we've both been married many decades and I am sure sex was more frequent when you were younger. As we age health issues begin to emerge many of these issues effect our sexual abilities. So to familiarity and the petty annoyances of long term marriage.

    So sometimes a little private stimulation, arousal and self pleasure is just what the doctor was recommending. And no it doesn't grow hair on your hand or affect your hearing.......what? Speak up!

  • 00DAD

    Obviously your wife is having a hard time dealing with this, but you must realize that you're both looking at this from the WT perspective which is BIG on GUILT and LITTLE on UNDERSTANDING.

    That fact that the WTBTS has recently written letters to the BOEs softening the stance on even elders viewing pornography proves it's very common and not going away.

    You both need to discuss in a mature way WHY you feel/felt the need/desire to do this. Consider marriage counseling.

    Finally, your adult daughter doesn't need to know about this. It's none of her business. That's WT thinking.

    Hope it works out for you.


  • wasblind

    Want a problem ???? take somethin' and make it forbidden

    My ole man not only got a few outdated flicks , he got mags

    from the 70's

    All up in the attic. It's not somethin' that became an obsession in our lives

    it's just grown folk stuff that children who are not allowed to have it want


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