Need Some Tough Love & Help

by Simon Morley 100 Replies latest jw friends

  • HBH

    Sorry to hear about her reaction, it seems she is reviling you. (In JW world, that would be a DFing offence) Obviously, there is a deeper problem. I hope counseling helps, and wish you the best.


  • 00DAD

    SimonMorley: you mentioned the fact that the WTBTS has recently written letters to the BOEs softening the stance on even elders viewing pornography proves it's very common and not going away. Do you have some specifics yopu could share?

    Here's a link to the thread. In the OP there is a link to d/l the BOE letter:

    Here are a couple of relevant excerpts:

    Consideration of qualifications to continue serving in an appointed position: If a pioneer, a ministerial servant, or an elder has deliberately viewed pornography, the two elders assigned to help him will want to obtain the answers to the following questions: (1) Did he come forward voluntarily? (2) Did it consist of a few brief incidents, or was it a practice spanning many months, or even years? (3) What type of pornography was he looking at? (4) Was it accompanied by masturbation? (5) When was the last time he viewed it? (6) Was he ever counseled about viewing pornography? (7) If he is married and his wife is aware of his problem, what effect has this had on her? (8) Who else is aware of the problem? (9) Does he still have their respect? (10) Does he demonstrate an earnest desire to desist from viewing pornography? (11) Does his conscience allow him to continue serving in an appointed position?

    The body of elders may determine that the person still qualifies to serve in an appointed position if (1) his involvement consisted of a few brief viewings, (2) he displays a heartfelt desire to desist from looking at pornography in any form, (3) the elders are convinced that he will refrain from viewing it, (4) he retains the respect of others who are aware of what he did, and (5) his conscience allows him to do so. If the body of elders is unsure whether a brother continues to qualify, they should discuss the matter with the circuit overseer at his next visit if the visit is in the near future. Otherwise, they should write the branch office for direction, providing answers to the above questions along with their recommendation.

    Not encouraging you to get caught up in the GB's cult mentality, but the point is this: They obviously recognize that a significant number of "appointed" people--elders, MSs, pioneers--view pornography and that if they removed them all there'd be no one left. Even those mind-control freaks think that occasional viewing of pornography doesn't automatically "disqualify" an elder from continuing to be an elder.

    Let's review: It's a cult!


  • flipper

    SIMON- Wow. I'm so sorry you're going through this pain in your marriage my friend, especially after 40 years of investment in this relationship. First off I am so grateful and impressed at the awesome suggestions you've received from these fellow board members. From MRS. JONES to DESIROUS of CHANGE to 00DAD , I mean EVERYBODY has expressed GREAT advice here !

    O.K. This is how I see it. This shouldn't be a nuclear explosion after 40 years of marriage with your wife. It should not be turned into a 3rd World War. I definitely agree with JGNAT that for your wife this isn't JUST about the porn viewing and masturbating - there are some SERIOUS lack of communication issues and respect issues and self esteem issues for both you AND your wife that apparently have not been addressed over 40 years of marriage. The porn & maturbating issues your wife has are just covers for more glaring deep down issues she has in other areas of your marriage. It's obvious. Otherwise she wouldn't be acting totally wacko saying you are a " pedophile " and that she is going to , " ruin you 110 % by telling your boss, co-workers, ex-JW's and expect the elders to get wind of it and get you DFed. " Think about it- this is NOT just a normal reaction to you doing porn and masturbating. Your wife has deeper issues that ( if you want to be in a marriage to her ) she and you together need to address in counseling sessions with a liscenced professional family counselor or marriage counselor.

    You can only control what you can do, not your wife's reaction, so if you do the counseling bit and your wife doesn't accept your apology's for your defecencies in the marriage and she wants to move on, then you will have to face that possibility as well. But listen to what I say here from the perspective of a man who had been in a long time marriage with a JW ex-wife ( divorced 1998 ) after 19 years of marriage. It's true that BOTH of you exited the JW religion 3 or so years ago- but your wife STILL has the vindictive , judgmental JW mentality just from how you've described her reactions. You need to be honest not only with her- but ask yourself - are you willing to put up with 20 or more years of living with your mate if she doesn't drop her hate and vitriolic attitude towards you- in SPITE of your apologizing ? Be honest with yourself as well as her.

    Both of you need to come clean with where the years of resentments have been in your marriage. If you come clean and want to work it out, but your wife is unwilling, perhaps it may be time to move on, as much as that hurts. I had to do it, many men and women have had to do this . It hurts, but the sun will rise each morning and a new day will be born and yes- you will love again. Possibly with a more understanding woman and you'll be wiser for the wear as to what you learned from your mistakes in 40 years. I'm not telling you what to do- just presenting the window of options if things do NOT work out.

    The fact that your wife even wants to TELL your daughter about this is an indicator that she herself holds little regard for your marriage. Simon- It's not just YOU that has work to do to save your marriage, but your wife as well. She may have stopped being a JW by not attending meetings, but the JW hasn't stopped being inside of her yet. It sounds like she has not educated herself about how the JW cult affected BOTH of your minds while you were inside. Didn't she realize that if you had come clean about the porn years earlier that the same if not more powerful nuclear explosion would have happened ? You'd lose your eldership and you both may have had to face these other communication issues as well 20 years ago ? Would she have split up with you then ? All pertinent questions. Perhaps it may have been easier if it happened back then- you would have bought yourself 20 years . But hindsight is 50/50.

    As others say here, indeed go to marriage counseling to see what can progress from it. Show love to your wife ( as much as she will allow you to ) but be prepared for anything to happen. Just keep your daughter out of it, it's none of her business, and if your wife MAKES it your daughters business, you don't need that kind of wife anyway. Good luck friend, PM me if you ever want to talk on the phone, O.K. ? Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • BroMac

    next time you do the dishes drop one of her nicest china. does she react the same way?

    ALL men bash the bishop. some more some less. does she not know this? I know married guys who do it over FHM or the lengerie section of a catalogue, whatever takes your fancy. OK they haven't been caught doing it, which here is your problem. your wife feels betrayed. I'm gonna guess and I dont mean to sound crude that sex between you has been quiet of late, and I dont mean in decibels. If that is the case then a Man is going to help himself to relieve or experience an orgasm again. she needs to know this. I could be way off base here so I apologise in advance. She wants to tell your daughter and boss, friends elders etc to cause you shame. when in reality no one is going to care but her.

  • mrsjones5

    I have visions of folks running away saying "TMI! TMI" What son or daughter really wants to here that? None. But the only thing worst would be for the wife to run around telling folks how much she enjoys pleasuring herself.

  • minimus

    I just saw this, Simon.

    I don't understand what the big deal is unless you were viewing truly SICK stuff. Other than that, she needs to get a life.

  • Witness My Fury
    Witness My Fury

    She's losing the plot mate, ...her continuing and increasing overeaction is very worrying indeed.

    Dont grovel and beg FFS, that is exactly what she appears to want... control.

  • crmsicl

    Excuse me WMF but I think the lady needs to have some control. She's been deprived it for way too long. Not to say she shouldn't get a better handle on it. She definetly should. She feels duped by the religion/cult and now feels duped by her husband. I hope she finds someone to talk this out and certainly not her daughter. If a break up is the answer they at least owe it to each other to take a hard look at the forces that took over their lives so they can walk away amicably.

  • BroMac

    Simon, Hope things have been better for you these last couple of days?

  • dazed but not confused
    dazed but not confused

    I hope things are getting better for you. Good luck with everything. Let us know how your doing.

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