It's 4:30 AM and I just cannot sleep after reading some of this. It's unfortunate because I know my baby will be awake in 2-3 hours for me to feed and care for. How hypocrytical is it that my husband is a ministerial servant and takes part in a forum like this? Even more hypocrytical on my part, though, that I know and don't expose him. At least I've convinced him that it is the right thing to do to step down since he has been in a spiritual muck for the past 6 months or so. How can anyone remain in a place of authority in the congregation and feel these things? I'm up also because I lovingly asked him to stop communicating online because he says he has no intentions of ever leaving the organization due to the risks it would cause every relationship in his life, including ours. As I often browse online when I am up with my motherly duties, I saw that he had been on here. I am not the best communicator face to face, like most people it's easier to write what you are feeling. So part of me hopes he reads this and part of me hopes he doesn't.
I went through hell when I was 19-20 to become a witness. None of my family are witnesses except for my husband. I know a lot of the doubts he's feeling because I did everything in my power to NOT want to believe what I was learning. I did and still do see the love in the organization. I know that no one organization is perfect because we are all imperfect despite a godly backing. Now that I have been in a loving marriage for 6+ years and have a 3 month old baby, my husband (who was raised as a witness) is exploring his beliefs. I know he is torn about his thoughts, but I know he does not want to end any relationships with witnesses. Why read blogs like this and agree with thoughts that directly go against the organization when you say the risks are to high to ever change your witness title? It is a stress to me, to him, and will be to our daughter someday if he continues down this path. He mocks me when I say I do not want to read "apostate" literature because I do not totally disagree with him about some things, but sometimes ignorance really is bliss. I wish I didn't know he was a part of this blog. It's like spiritual adultury. I know he's cheating on the organization he represents, but I can't do anything about it. He can talk to all of you, but I can't talk to anyone except Jehovah. Who can bear such a burden? I don't want my relationship to suffer like this.
I accept the organization with all of it's flaws just as I accept and love my husband. When baptized, you are essentially marrying Jehovah, his organization, it's good and not so good qualities. It is a personal choice to be baptized and for better or worse I expect myself and my husband to stick it out. Now that I've vented to a bunch of people I don't know, maybe I can get some sleep.
-Committed (p.s. If you comment on this, know that I will not be reading it. This is a one-time deal for me.)