To Dissassociate or just Fade into Inactivity ? Your Choice ? Reasons ?

by flipper 66 Replies latest jw friends

  • El Nunya
    El Nunya

    I DA'ed in 1996. I sent letters to the local KH, personal friends, and another one to the Society via Dan Sydlik. The underlying purpose in my mind was to lay out in no uncertain terms that they have NO control over or influence in my life. I cannot and will not live a lie. I left on my terms and that's good enough for me. It's going to be different for each individual, as it's a personal call.

  • flipper

    MINIMUS- I didn't DA either because I don't recognize their rules and procedures of how they look at me.

    LEAVING WT- It sounds like DAing worked good for you . You are right- with all the JW relatives I have still inside the cult , fading was my best option.

    REOPENED MIND- I agree with you- I only stay in a fading state due to JW family members still in. I don't consider myself a Witness either , there's no way I'm ever going back to that controlling cult.

    NO ROOM FOR GEORGE- Indeed , like yourself I too have family still in the Witnesses which keeps me from DAing myself. My older parents would really be bummed if I got DFed or DAed as they'd feel they have to shun me . I don't want to put that pressure on 85 year old people.

    BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS- That's one reason I don't want to DA myself- it's playing by their rules which I don't recognize anyway. Plus due to my still in JW family I won't DA. It sounds like your JW wife is really having doubts ! And that's a good thing. Just stay patient with her and in time she may feel comfortable in letting it all go. Good luck to you.

    DIAMOND DIZ- It sounds like you had some really good reasons for DAing . Nothing but a lot of fake friends in the JW cult anyway.

    NUGGET- I'm glad you and your husband and children made a clean break from the Witnesses. With all the pressure they were bringing upon you guys it was probably better for you folks to just leave so your children wouldn't experience answering questions .

    BLONDIE- I'm like you Blondie, I usually don't debate the JW beliefs with my family either . If I do go to an occasional funeral or JW memorial for someone who dies- it's only for somebody I knew very well personally. And that's only happened 1 time in the 8 years I've been out. I would never go to a funeral just to appease JW family either . I think fadsing is best also to maintain JW family relations.

    QUENDI- I like how you roll. You saw how fruitless it was to try and kiss up to a JC - so you decided to just stay out and socialize with those JW's who didn't shun you. Good for you. It shows you don't play by the WT society's rules.

    DISCREET SLAVE - It sounds like you did what was best for yourself and your situation. In time I hope your husband will join you.

    BOTZWANA- Sounds like your fading is working O.K. You moved from Georgia to Mexico ? Jesus. Do I dare asked what motivated you ? Isn't there a lot of drug massacres and murders happening in Mexico right now ? A tad on the dangerous side ? Hope things are O.K. for you

  • flipper

    BLONDIE- It sounds like your fade has worked well after 10 years for you . It's gone mostly well for me too after 8 years now. I agree that ' fading " wouldn't necessarily be going to 2 out of 3 meetings a week. To really " fade " I believe a person would have to miss most of the meetings so as not to get reindoctrinated by the mind control. There's no way I could go back. Been thinking with my own mind too long now. And that's a good thing !

    WATERSPROUT- I have a similar situation as you. Some former friends and relatives gossiped about me and treat me like I'm DFed , yet some relatives and former friends don't. It's a mixed bag. But like you say- I don't give a flying fart what any of them think anymore due to all the oppression I went through as well. I hope you have a good support system to help you and Carrot outside of the Witnesses.

    DAVINCICODEBREAKER- Leaving WT is really good with words and fast on his feet with humor too. " School for the blind . " Gotta love it.

    ON THE WAY OUT- I know you pretty well and understand your reasons for fading with a wife and mom still in JW land. I think even if time went by 20 or more years from now- I'd probably still just fade as well because by that time former people who knew me in Witness land may be dead or realize that after 28 years away from the JW cult- I ain't comin' back - so I don't worry about it. But while we still have JW relatives in currently- a fade usually works best.

    DISCREET SLAVE- That is fascinating that you gave 30 letters out at your DAing event. Was that just to inform people yourself or to just give the elders a hassle ? LOL ! I bet the smoking blue dress and high heels had a nice effect !

    CULT CLASSIC- I agree with you- I don't care WHAT JW's call me anymore. Like yourself, I've had some in my JW family describe me as being a " bad influence ", " apostate leaning " , " worldly " , - I mean what will they call me next ? I just don't worry anymore. Like yourself also - Most of my JW relatives I care about don't shun me like my mom and dad. Although my adult JW daughters still do.

    BABYRUTH- Congrats on fading for 11 years now ! I try not to talk about the Witnesses or WT society to my parents also . It seems to work smoothly that way.

    FACTFINDER- Like yourself- I found the meetings to be very cold and nobody really got close to me as a friend. There was no outside association aside from at the meetings. It was indescribably conditional . I faded into inactivity like yourself and I never went back in almost 8 years now. I'd prefer going to a dentist over going to a meeting. Sorry to hear your brother treated you badly.

    NO MORE KOOL AID- I'm glad you & your husband got out and faded. I know that it's been a challenge to lose some JW family , and I have about 50 % of my JW family who totally shun me , yet some will talk with me. I'm happy for you, your husband & kids that you've been able to go live your life now in a happier way with many new experiences. Good questions you posed for people still sitting on the fence !

    KAZAR- I'm so glad you finally came to a good place in your life outside the Witnesses and yes- feel VERY fortunate that you don't have JW relatives still on the inside. It is definitely a huge balancing act in what we say around them. Very tedious. I'm glad you got out !

    YOURMOMMA- I'm similar to you in that I refuse to acknowledge any authority the elders claim to have over me. I think different styles of exiting the Witnesses works for different people, very true. Not a one size fits all thing at all. I'm glad you are out and have your freedom !

    MR FREEZE- That's basically what I did when I left too. Just said, " Screw this. " And left - permanently.

    MAMAMO- Sounds like a family member ( your mom ) ratted you out to the elders. I had an ex-Wife do that to me as well trying to turn my family against me. Fortunately it didn't turn all of them against me. Sounds like you made the right decision for you to DA under the conditions.

    LUNA 2 - Like yourself I was unhappy for years in the JW's as well. I had doubts that I kept silent about for fear of my then JW wife and family. I noticed a huge coldness and conditional, lack of love also in the organization. Only if you were regular in service were you considered " acceptable". I'm glad you exited the Witnesses and have freedom for you and your sons. Good for you.

    DARINGHART 13- Very true- the elders have no power unless we give it to them. However sometimes the elders harass some people so much after not attending meetings that out of exhaustion a person may talk to them- just to get them to go away ! LOL ! I'm glad the elders leave you alone. They basically leave me alone as well because they know I will not hold back from calling a spade a spade regarding the WT society BS. I believe they are kind of scared of me actually. Somehow I get a vicarious thrill out of that. I have a pretty dark sense of humor !

    MIDGET-SASQUATCH- I'm glad to hear you are fading, but isn't it a drag to have the elders call on you constantly ? What helped me initially in 2003 was to move a couple times out of the congregation territory then I noticed the former elders in my old congregation just gave up bothering me. Is it possible for you to move perhaps to another location ? Just a thought that might help lessen the harassment.

    WOBBLE- I understand the need for caution with older JW parents still inside the organization. My parents are in their mid 80's so I try to be careful as well. But like you said, after awhile a person just can't stand attending meetings anymore. It gets annoying. I'm glad the elders are leaving you and your wife alone.

    ZIDDINA- I'm so sorry your JW parents treated you hatefully. I hope you have had a good support system through these years and have a good husband or other non-JW relatives and friends to support you. Hang in there my friend.

    SIZEMIK- I'm happy to hear that you AND your family exited together. I'm sure that made it somewhat easier for you to move on indeed. That's a good strategy you have to avoid talking anything JW with the Witnesses when they try speaking with you. It shuts them up pretty fast as that is aLL most Witnesses ever talk about !

    Will be back later to reply to pg. 3 & 4. Thanks again ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • flipper

    O.K. Now for pg. 3 responders ! Been running errands today ! Finally have more time to sit and respond. Thanks for your replies.

    DONNY- What you mention is something that several people on this thread have mentioned as well. It's a good point to make because the WT society reps, i.e. elders are really guilty of " stalking " JW's who don't wish to attend meetings and just fade away. I remember when I first stopped attending, they called me several times the first month or so and would try calling on me too. It gets frustrating and it makes a person just want to ask them " What part of NO don't you understand ? ' So I totally understand your decision. It actually gets pretty creepy how persistent elders get.

    PUNK OF NICE- Nice job Punk. I don't recognize the elders authority either in my life. I'm not intimidated by them or their games they play. I'm glad you and your wife hopefully have your freedom now. Good for you. Cherish it.

    SCULLY- I agree with you. To me, if I DAed myself it would be recognizing their rules and authority over me. Which I will not do. And very true- one of the best ways to fade is to move to another area and NOT ask for your publishers record card from the old cong. But why would a person ask anyways- if they weren't going to attend again ?

    FRANKLIN MASSEY- Excellent post Franklin. I appreciate your candor and sharing how your fade is affecting people around you. The rest of us can learn a great deal from your example. For instance- it shows we don't all turn into pumpkins when we stop attending meetings. We get a variety of responses depending on how ingrained our associates are in the JW cult. I have found true what you are saying. My JW relatives who love me no matter what don't shun me- but the more fanatic the Witness is - those relatives will shun me. I have actually been able to talk openly with some of my JW inactive nieces and nephews about the WT society blunders. So it's a good point that you make- some JW's may open up more to us if they see WE are on the fringe of the organization and be willing to talk to us about their doubts if we are less involved. Very good points. Appreciate it.

    SWEETBABYCHEEZITS- I hope ALL of our service hours are low. Hopefully getting into non-existent ! LOL ! I count my anti-Witnessing hours though . Does that count ??

    FREEATLAST 1914- My situation is similar to yours as well. Some of my JW relatives won't talk to me, some will. But I'm developing a closer relationship with inactive nieces and nephews who I hope to influence to freedom for good. Like you mentioned they " need a soft landing place " for when they leave the cult. I totally agree and will provide such like you and your wife .

    UMADEVI- Your post went blank. Please feel free to post again ?

    VIOLIA- Very good point. I threatened to report elders to the police if they kept calling Mrs. Flipper and me several years ago. There are some posters on this board who have actually sent a " cease and desist " letter to elders from their attorneys. It works.

    NONI 1974- I really feel for what you went though my friend. Your experience caused a little moistness to come out of my eyes via tears as my oldest son went through the same thing you did with your mom. My JW ex-wife, his mom kicked him out of her house at age 18 and he came to live with me as we were divorced at the time. She told him if he didn't attend meetings or drop his non-Witness girlfriend she'd kick him out-and that's just what she did ! A$$hole !itch . He came to me crying in tears because he was so confused and not used to being treated that way. So I welcomed him with open arms into my home.

    I'm glad your folks have softened their stance towards you. My son is now 26 and his JW mom ( my ex ) will STILL have no contact with him. It's disgusting and appalling. I'm glad and happy for you that you have your freedom. I know attaining that freedom didn't come easy. Been there, done that.

    AUSSIE OZ- What a beautifully written experience my friend. Thanks for sharing some of you with us. Your road has been a common one I shared as well. I was married 19 years to a fanatic JW woman whom I divorced in 1998. She too, like your ex-wife tried to fight me tooth and nail so I wouldn't have visitation with my teenage children. But she underestimated how much fight I have in me. I got 50 % visitation time and after overpaying her for years on child support - I got it reduced in half according to state laws regarding how much I made per month. I am close to my 26 yr.old non-JW son, but my two JW daughters shun me. Having travelled a road similar to yours- I now how much sacrifice went into your gaining your freedom of mind my friend. Like yourself I am happily married to Mrs. Flipper now going on 5 years . I hope you and your wife have many happy years together also. Take care buddy. Good experience. Life is cetainly a teacher, is it not ?

    MICKEY MOUSE- I always found self righteous JW's difficult to be around. Especially the nosy ones who were always trying to judge you or see how much service time we got in. It's like " mind your own business " !

    MAISHA- Nice to have you on the board ! Thanks for replying ! Oh my god. Your mom actually told you that if she died- she didn't want you to attend the funeral ? That is horrific, barbaric behavior ! I'm so sorry you were treated that way. Please be assured and know that many on this board, like yourself are suffering from abusive behavior fom JW relatives because we don't buy into the WT society BS. MAISHA- I hope you have a support group or non-Witness friends who can be there for you my friend. If you ever want to talk, we are here, O.K. ?

    SHAMUS- Exactly. I totally agree with you. I just don't care WHAT they think of me anymore- as they've done so much damage to my relationships with my daughters in my life that it's unforgiveable. You scrape them off the bottom of your shoe like mud- I scrape them off the bottom of my shoe like crap. I wouldn't dignify them by elevating them to mud status.

    LONG HAIR GAL- You are right when saying that it is none of their business to know our personal lives after we stop attending . I mean, who the hell do they think they are anyway ? God ? Well, yes they do. The WT society DOES think it's God. But you are right- the longer we are out ( I've been out 8 years now ) the less control we want them to have in our life. And tha'ts a good thing- not letting them have control.

    PISTOFF- It sounds like you made a good, informed, intelligent decision when you started fading. You make a good point in saying that it reallyfreaks JW's out when they see someone intelligent like you exiting and leaving the JW cult. It causes them cgnizant dissonence . But that's good. Maybe it will start some of them to think. I'm glad you have your freedom of mind. I hope your wife and son will too sometime. Hang in there and keep your chin up ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • flipper

    EL NUNYA- Nice to have you on the board ! Welcome. I'm glad that you laid it on the line to the WT society reps. I think many of us agree that the cONTROL the elders and WT society have over Witnesses is one thing that drives many of us out of the organization. A person can only be stomped on for so long without fighting back. I'm glad you have your freedom ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • EmptyInside

    I guess,I'm not officially gone yet. But,I'm fading,because of,family and a couple of friends. But,I realize that in the end whether I'm disfellowshipped or not,I stand to lose them anyway.

    But,I figure,let them just think I'm spiritually weak and drifted away. I know some are judging me already. One elder already told me,I don't have a relationship with Jehovah.

    It's all getting to be too much really. I got to finally take a stand. I tried coming out about it to my mother,but it's like it went in one ear and out the other. She just totally blanked out on me.

  • flipper

    EMPTYINSIDE- I appreciate that you are fading due to having JW family still in- I do that also. It's tough because some family shuns me, some don't. And like you said - that empty stare we get from them when we say something about our doubts- is really creepy. It's like we are trying to turn on the lights in their brain- but no one's home . Frustrating. Hang in there my friend

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