To Dissassociate or just Fade into Inactivity ? Your Choice ? Reasons ?

by flipper 66 Replies latest jw friends

  • noni1974

    I DA ed 14 years ago because my mother gave me an ultimatim. I was living on my own and had to move back home due to finances. She told me I had to go to the meetings as a condition of me moving back home. I decided to tell her how I really felt about the religion in a private conversation between us. My mother went to the elders about our conversation. I told her I didn't believe and I needed time away to think.

    I intended to only take a break and gather my thoughts and see if I really could suck it up being a witness or not. I had never believed and I felt more and more like I was being forced into a mold that did not fit and I was sick of it. After my mother went to the elders about our conversation. I DA ed the next day. I wrote a two line letter saying I no longer watned to be a JW.

    In my family everyone is a JW so me being allowed to just quietly walk away was not going to happen. The first rumor that went around about me would have been reported by some member of my family. If I wanted my privacy and to be left alone from my family I had no choice in the matter really. In order to gain my freedom I had to cut my family off at the knees with my DA. I lost almost all of my family, but I gained the ability to do what I wanted without the fear of being turned in any second by my over zealous family who would always be watching me.

    I'm lucky though because my parents calmed down after a while and started talking to me again. We now have a normal relationship.

    Had I had the choice to fade away and be left alone I would have. In fact I tried it while I was living on my own. The second my mother thought she could have control over me again she forced the issue and I answered her in a way that let her and everyone know I would not be controlled by anyone.

  • Aussie Oz
    Aussie Oz

    When i exited, i didn't even know what a fade was. I thought there was either disfellowship or inactivity.

    I just knew i didn't want to be a 'christian' anymore. I had no concept nor idea that the JWs were what they really are. There was a massive internal battle between the 'spiritual man and the fleshly man' and it nearly took my life. My battle led to extreme depression and self loathing as i realized i was become a servant of Satan. I almost disapeared into the australian outback never to see or know my children again. I was convinced if i had any part of their life that i would turn them to the devil and be in effect, murdering them.

    I practically self destructed and over the course of a couple of months i relinquished all my activities starting with door to door and ending with public talks. During that time i had a couple of shepherding calls regarding some darstadly deeds to do with a double life but no friends came by to help or even ask how i was. My wife told me i was disgusting and that i was gutter trash, then would have the audacity to ask for reconcilliation.

    I left my wife not long after and rarely went to another meeting. There was no adultery and we continued for two years seperated with occasional rumpy pumpy through it. In the whole two years i had one visit by elders just to 'see how i was' and not one single friend from 25 years bothered to call, including in laws and step family. The only person who regularly visited was a brother i hardly knew. When i inevitably did commit adultery, deliberatly, to free my wife from a man who no longer loved her, she used this lone visitor to serve divorce papers on me. I knew that i would be disfellowshipped quite soon after, in fact i think within a week. I didn't care. I told them to do it, I had no love for god and certainly was not sorry for offending a god that i did not know nor one who couldn't care less about me.

    My imeadiate family was spread out all over Australia and we were not a particularly close family anyway, often many many month would go by with no contact anyway, so i just didnt worry about whether they would shun me or not.

    The divorce gutted me none the less and i suffered a complete nervous colapse. Still today, stress wipes me out and i battled with chronic fatigue, thankfully not severe as some have suffered. Financially i was broke. I would only buy enough food each week for 5 days meals and would go without in order to pay my bills. I gave my wife 100% of all assets and even purchased addition furniture and a car after i left. I went into ill affordable debt for this to which no thanks was recieved. Still today it irks me that even though the divorce papers clearly show the 100% 'split', she lies consitantly to the child support agency claiming a 60/40 split... oh well, karma is a vengeful elephant lady! After our divorce she came back asking for another go. I told her there was no way it would work. Not only would she be 'dating' her ex. she would be dating a disfellowshipped person. I told her plainly that not only did she not know who i was anymore, she did not like me either. That launched a deeper round of bitterness from her. Rejected twice.

    My authentic self was struggling to emerge after 25 odd years of repression. One of the first things i did after moving out was to do an oil painting of a beautiful female form, strictly taboo when i was 'in'. They were ok when i painted or drew motor cars of course. I needed to be free to paint and see what i wanted. I saw what i liked and i liked what i saw.

    After divorce i pursued the only thing i felt worth pursuing besides cars, women. There was finaly no guilt attatched to seeing porn or going to a night club. I never tried drugs and never took up smoking. I tried getting drunk and pretty much poisoned myself in a night of bourbon and KFC. That was enough for me. I developed a whole new circle of friends and social life. I dated, i had one night stands, had some girlfriends and met my now wife.

    After vowing to never ever get deep with a woman and live with one again i fell in love like i had never known , unconditional.

    A year ago or so, i stumbled upon JWN when researching if the WT may be backing my ex in her bitter attempts to remove me from the childrens lives. I was stunned and shocked. Disbelief of what i was reading ruled. I was freaking out. I left the JWs with the attitude that i was going to party till the lights went out. I was going to die on my feet while giving god the finger. This site changed it all.

    I have wished that i saw the truth about the 'truth' when i was still in, that i may have been able to save my family, maybe exit family unit in tact. I have wondered if perhaps i would have become a mole. That certainly would have suited me if my then wife were with me on that. Today i loath, even border on hate the WT. Hate is not an emotion a allow myself to indulge in, so that really surprises me.

    In a nutshell, I just had to get the hell out to survive, i just knew i was going to kill myself if i didn't. I do not wallow in regrets but i do wish i had not hurt my wife, inevitable as it was. As a person, she did little wrong, it was me who changed.

    There has been a high price for my freedom, both financial and as a father. I have been denied 12 years of proper parenthood. I do blame the Watchtower Society as they are the ones who moulded my wifes attitudes. This i will never forget nor forgive, I will never be as gracefull toward those corrupt men in charge as Ray Franz was to those who shafted him.

    On the whole, perhaps i wouldn't do a thing differently, i would not have made the true friends i now have nor the lovely young lady i have been privledged to marry.


  • Mickey mouse
    Mickey mouse

    I find JWs difficult to be around. I bumped into one this week who inquired as to whether we get out in field service. I replied that we 'do our own thing'. They just can't not bring it up; it's like a form of tourettes for them.

  • cult classic
    cult classic
    They just can't not bring it up; it's like a form of tourettes for them.


  • maisha

    Gut wrenching stuff, like Your Mother saying that if she dies, she would prefer it if you didn't attend the funeral, because the brothers feel it could cause many not to attend.

    AN ACT OF TRUE LOVE ON THE PART OF THE BROTHERS to put pressure on an old lady.

    Some words come to mind like DESPICABLE. SHAMEFUL.....

    I am not DF or DA. however the grip has grown tighter in the last few years on those inside.

    For ME, well just another drifter, god i am pleased there are others cause it gets pretty lonely at times.

    These days I Drift along lost in the world of thought, researching for the past several years Illuminati controls and how it affects the WTBS and others. My 45plus years inside serves me many a valuable comparison to what is actually happening and makes me very sad when i think back on al the hard work i put into it.

    Peace be with you.....

  • shamus100

    The JW's mean as much to me as Hare Krishnas. They can DF me, disassosiate me, whatev's... ;D They don't need to contact me to tell me, because I don't care what status I am in that idiotic high control group. ** scrapes them off the bottom of my shoe like mud ** :) There, better.

  • flipper

    Thanks for all the great replies ! Been working hard the last several days and been away from the Internet. Will respond to everybody this afternoon after I get a few household things done . Thanks again for your comments ! Keep em coming ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • LongHairGal

    FLIPPER: I know I answered this before but it is good for newbies. As a 10 year fader I am not fooling anybody - they know I am really out. In the beginning I cared only for the sake of a few friends. Now, I don't much care. Even though I think it is great to write a DA letter, I couldn't be bothered at this point. These people have no authority and I wouldn't be bothered humoring them. My life and business is NONE of their business and I would tell them off if need be. Thankfully I have no family there and couldn't care less what they think. They are a bunch of busy-body non-entities who are important in their own eyes!

  • Pistoff

    I began missing meetings after deleting as an MS in 1996; I made 50% of meetings, not by any conscious decision to fade (didn't know anything about the idea), until the Dateline program in 2002.

    After that program, and what I found out about the religion of my childhood, having been born in, I made the conscious decision to fade away slowly.

    After 2 years, the only meeting I attended was memorial, to prevent my elderly mother from freaking out.

    My wife and son, still barely in, know where I am at and they know the truth about the truth.

    I do attend weddings and funerals, just because of wife and son, and the connection to old friends, even though they are witnesses and I am not.

    If you don't go in field service, you aren't a witness; that is the position of the WT, right?

    I also am certain that when faders like us go to social functions or to the memorial, it triggers or reactivates cognitive dissonance in old friends.

    I am, and I think most who post here, are well read and were probably pretty 'active' witnesses.

    It really really bothers them when someone they respect and regard as intelligent stops going.

    Fading was my best option, due to older and younger family who I needed to help and stay in contact with.

    Don't know what I will do when my mother passes; I would like to be more involved in politics and service groups.


  • flipper

    Been really busy and haven't had the time to respond individually to each of your comments. My apologies. Your comments and experiences are important to everyone here. I'll have more time tomorrow to respond page by page- have to go to work. Please keep sharing your experiences- it helps EVERYBODY here to read how you've overcome exiting the Witnesses into your fade, DFing, or DAing. Thanks

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