A polite way to ask someone to keep their hands to themselves... (page 3)

EntirelyPossible

And that's why the dark side can be entertaining....

ok, ALMOST done with this thread...

White Dove

I'm sitting there talking to a man who keeps touching my hands and legs.

Hmm...what to say that won't offend?

No victim present that I can see.

EntirelyPossible

Why do you read my threads?

Why do people slow down to look at train wrecks?

I'll be sure to run my thread ideas through you in a PM before posting them so you can okay them first.

Actually, in all seriousness, I wouldn't mind at all giving you some coaching on things if I felt like it would help. When I first started working with my mentor, he spend the first two sessions deciding if HE felt I would live up to my end of the bargain, basically, would I accept criticism, be willing to make changes etc.

Asking for advice to better a situation means you might need to make some changes and listen to some uncomfortable advice, not just seek self affirmation of what you already think and feel.

Anyway, best of luck, now I really am done. Expense reports must be done.

White Dove

You have a mentor?

Interesting.

Wish you luck in healing and learning.

Band on the Run

I thought of this more. YOu prob. felt safe b/c there was a group of you. Was he high or intoxicated? It is not juvenile male behavior as much as making you uncomfortable. Since he lives so close, you may have an ongoing problem. I've had two similar situations. The first involved a male teacher just before I left for college. I worked in a federally financed reading program doing chores. When no one was around,he would stand behind me and breathe on me. I don't think he was attracted to me erotically. Power was his game. I was 17 at most. My mother and the Witnesses led me to believe that this stuff does not happen to a good girl. I was terrified. If I could find him today and beat him up, I would. The memory of the shame, fear of rape, just not knowing what to do. Also, I felt i was too ugly. People would not believe a married man would do it and a teacher. Now I am certain that others made charges and they were in his record. I had nowhere to turn for help.

The second situation is strangers in NY. Most black and Latino men who seemed to think that blonde hair signalled hunting season. I got the jeers, whistles, whatever. Some men would come to me straight in a street filled with other women. I just cried inside for the longest time, believing this did not happen to other women. I had to do something wrong. A landmark book on rape written by a feminist came out. She argued that we had a right to be safe and free, regardless of race. I started yelling at the time of my lungs that if they took one more step towards me I was going to have them arrested and even mentioned where the precinct was if I knew. Once I assert.ed a boundary, they were off guard but backed down. Later, I met women who gave up cheap, great apartments to move to better neighborhoods to avoid them. They were beautiful. It is embarassing but I did not know what to do. Once I read the book on rape, it changed dramatically.

Two issues remain for me. What happens if a man becomes angry that I shouted out at him? American men seem okay with it. I ride taxis a lot. African men and Middle Eastern men seem to not have the same restraint. It is a fine line to walk between setting a boundary and inflaming a situation. Overall, I feel that any man would would seriously harm b/c I shouted was going to hurt me anyway. The second issue is by not setting a boundary is a woman giving signals that will invite rape. B/c that kind of hand action is so uncalled for it seems like a prelude or warm up. We can't know what their intentions are. I don't think this is boys will be boys. Short hand gestures are one thing. This sounds more systematic.

EntirelyPossible

You have a mentor?

Interesting.

Wish you luck in healing and learning.

I do. A business mentor. I've done well in my career, but I have realized I will never make it to corporate director level without the guidance of someone who has already been successful at that level, so I took advantage of a program my company has. It's designed to encourage existing good behaviors and assist with providing guidance, experience and candid feedback for self improvement. It's a two way relationship with someone outside of my chain of managment that I can give my honest opinion too without any fear of punitive action in terms of my job and HE can give very candid, objective and critical feedback. It's a two way committement where I agree to work with his suggestions and be willing to put forth the work and effort to change and he has to put forth the work to take an interest and BE the mentor. In my case, I managed to get the CIO of a 100K+ person comany to be my mentor, so I feel that I did well for myself.

Not sure why you wished me luck in healing. What did you think a mentor was?

Think About It

Wish you luck in healing and learning.

Not sure why you wished me luck in healing. What did you think a mentor was?

She thought it was a man doctor.

Think About It

Luo bou to

Thanks White Dove.... I surprise myself sometimes....I'm not always tactfull... As you are no doubt aware..... In that statement you are giving him what he wants .. to talk to you but on one condition and in using the formula.... when you do this I feel this you are not threatening him..... It is a pretty hardened individual you will respond by saying "I don't care about your feelings". If he responds by saying "Why do you feel that way" Simply say "I don't know I just do" If he continues to touch you look him in the eye and then down at his hand on your leg You will soon break the habit Some people are touchy feely by nature it's not sexual but then of course he may be a dirty old man ...You'll know which....Woman are usually pretty astute at discerning body language and the vibes.... All the best And thanks for the compliment.... Robert

White Dove

EP,

Oh, that kind of mentor.

Got it mixed up with counselor/therapist.

Some on this board are into counseling for problems related to being XJW's.

Think About It,

I have no idea what some of the genders are that are commenting here as it is not noted on the post, so I didn't assume the mentor was a male or female.

Band,

Wow, yes boundaries are so important to establish.

I believe what you are talking about is culture gaps.

You do need to protect yourself.

JW's have it all screwed up by blaming the victim and nice girls don't get that kind of attention.

I've heard that American women are viewed as sluts and easy by others who don't share much of the white American culture.

I can see where being extra vocal about establishing your boundaries would be prudent in NYC and other large cities. I live in Phoenix.

Had a guy touching me lightly here (back and arms) and there (butt and legs) over a period of a couple of hours and didn't feel comfortable about it at all, a long time ago.

Didn't know how to say stop it.

My neighbor (different person) is a very good person, just a bit overly touchy feely (and may want to score but I'm not totally sure).

Plus, he was buzzed from beer.

I'll just have a little word with him on the side, and I'm sure that'll be that.

All the other things I've threaded about have been resolved, and quickly at that.

Got no problems here.

It was just a question of how to say something with tact.

Some people on this board would do well in asking a better way of saying things to people, because tact is not something you stick on a cork board.

A polite way to ask someone to keep their hands to themselves...

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