It’s not easy being an introvert in an extrovert world—especially when you’re a kid. It is even more difficult if none of the adults in the kid’s life recognize that the child is an introvert. This doesn’t happen only when the child’s parents are extroverts, but also with introverted parents who have never understood their own introverted nature.
I was in my early thirties when I discovered that there were such beings as introverts, and that I was one of them. Suddenly, so much of my quirky, odd, misunderstood behavior had meaning. There was nothing wrong with me, it was simply that being around people drained my personal batteries. I wasn’t shy or lacking in self esteem or even anti social; I merely needed solitude to recharge. So much of my life and my own behavior became clear to me! So of course, being a mom, the second thing I did after discovering I was an introvert was tested my kids to see if they were as well.
One was a very pronounced introvert while the other was an extrovert. Talk about built in sibling conflict!
There are a lot of misconceptions about what being an introvert actually means. It does not mean shy, or socially anxious, or socially backward, or anti-social—although I would venture to say that a number of those characteristics can occur when an introvert is pressured or forced to behave in an extroverted manner.
Quite simply, introversion is an explanation of where an individual draws their energy; from solitude or from the company of others. Those who recharge their batteries through solitude are introverts. Those who recharge by being with others are extroverts. These differences are hardwired into us and affect everything from how our memories work to how we process information, where we focus our attention, how we communicate and even how we use our bodies. Introverts are, in the words of Carl Jung, interested in “the inner life of the mind.”
Funny he should say that because the theory of introversion and extroversion came primarily from Jung and his work on psychological types and temperament. Jung (an introvert) believed we are born with specific preferences that, for the most part, do not change as we grow.
Studies estimate that introverts make up only 20-30% of the population, so it is probably no surprise that we are misunderstood. This is made even more difficult for us parents in that our kids can’t tell us they’re introverts—they have to trust that we’ll figure it out on our own.
It is probably not surprising that a fair number of geeks are also introverts. Part of being a geek involves having a strong, sustained, deep interest in something—and that is often a trait of introverts.
Not sure if you’re an introvert? Here’s a great, quick, online assessment you can take.
Clues Your Child Might Be An Introvert:
* They are very, very good at entertaining themselves for long periods.
* Seems exhausted after parties or social gatherings. Needs down time.
* They have one or two close friends and don’t feel the need for more.
* You have to pry information out of them, such as how their day was or if they had a good time at their friend’s house.
* They have a very highly developed sense of personal space and are disturbed when it is not respected.
* They are a very private person.
* They do not like to have to participate in classroom discussions or be called upon for an answer.
* Hate making mistakes in public.
* Enjoys their own company.
* Does not understand the need for small talk.
* Tires easily in large groups or crowds.
* Tends to withdraw from large social gatherings.
Note: many introverts can actually do quite well in large gatherings or social situations. Introversion is a spectrum ranging for those expressing a strong preference for being alone to those who only need solitude to recharge before venturing once more into the crowd.
Signs of introversion can show up very early in life, often first making an appearance in the first year. As babies, introverts can be reluctant to be held by strangers, are easily overstimulated at the grocery store or at the park, get fussy when their personal space is invaded.
As parents of introverts, we have three important tasks: 1) We need to understand and accept their need for solitude, 2) Help our child understand her own needs, and 3) Act as advocate for our child with other adults or in other situations until she develops the skills to do that herself.
Introverts do a lot of internal processing and reflecting, recharging their spent batteries with solitude and quiet time. If they do not get sufficient doses of this recharging time, their behavior, performance, and spirit will suffer. They will not have the energy they need to learn new things, take new risks, explore, develop, and thrive.
In addition to alone time, introverts need physical space, some place they can go where no one else can interrupt them or make demands on them while they recharge. It can be a room of their own, or if that’s not possible, a curtained off area of a joint room, a special, cozy corner of the house, someplace that feels safe to them and not prone to random interruptions by other members of the household.
One of my sons’ early elementary teachers (clearly an introvert herself!) told all the students in her class to imagine they each had a big invisible bubble around them and that it was their job to respect each others bubble and not get close enough to “pop” it without permission. Not only did I love this, but all her six year old students were able to understand that concept. This personal space issue is so true of introverts! If a child complains, “He’s looking at me,” or “Her placemat is touching mine,” or “That’s my spot on the couch,” chances are that child is an introvert. Occasionally, introvert children have such a high need for having their space respected, and so little help from adults in maintaining this right, that they can end up defending this space by pushing or hitting other kids. To uninformed adults, it can be seemingly for no reason, but oftentimes space is the heart of the issue. It’s important to be mindful that these are very real emotional needs they have. Not having them met detracts from their ability to move effectively in the world.
But make no mistake; there are a lot of upsides to being an introvert! We are independent, self reflective, deep thinkers, excellent communicators, quiet achievers, and excel at one on one connections with people. We make excellent artists, scientists, psychologists, counselors, poets, writers, architects, mathematicians, historians, engineers, computer scientists, teachers, and designers, among others.
Also, if your child is an introvert, she is in very good company. Some famous introverts include: A. A. Milne, Albert Einstein, Anne Lamott, C. G. Jung, C. S. Lewis, Garry Trudeau, William Shakespeare, Katie Couric (that one surprised you, didn’t it!) Lance Armstrong, Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, Oprah Winfrey, Rene Descartes, Sir Isaac Newton, Socrates, Susan B. Anthony, Charles Darwin, Warren Buffet, Jane Goodall, Thomas Edison, Dwight Eisenhower, Abraham Lincoln. (And look at how many geeks are on that list!)
Some Tips For Helping Your Young Introvert:
1. Give him plenty of alone time.
2. Respect his need to not talk.
3. Make sure he has a private place he can retreat to when needed.
4. Teach his siblings and other relatives to understand and respect his need for solitude.
5. Give him the time he needs to grow accustomed to new people and situations.
6. Protect him from a world that might not recognize just how valuable his introverted traits are and help him see them as the strengths they are.
[url]http://www.geekmom.com/2011/04/are-you-raising-an-introvert/[/url]
Are You Raising An Introvert?
by darth frosty 172 Replies latest jw friends
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darth frosty
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darth frosty
http://www.forbes.com/2009/11/30/introverts-good-leaders-leadership-managing-personality.html
Why Introverts Can Make The Best Leaders
Jennifer B. Kahnweiler, 11.30.09, 03:39 PM EST
They draw on important strengths that extroverts may not have.
"Most people don't know that I'm an introvert."
I hear this confession from surprisingly many successful executives. Quite a few, in fact, talk at length with me about their introversion, speaking candidly and often cathartically about their experiences. Most also admit that at some point in their leadership journey they've had to work to overcome being disregarded or misunderstood because of their quiet temperament.
How do these introverted leaders do it? How do they thrive in the extroverted business world? They seek to understand--and play to--their strengths.
It has been reported that a full 40% of executives describe themselves as introverts, including Microsoft's ( MSFT - news - people ) Bill Gates, the über-investors Warren Buffett and Charles Schwab, Avon's chief executive, Andrea Jung, and the late publishing giant Katharine Graham. Odds are President Barack Obama is an innie as well. What does that mean? That introverts, not just extroverts, have the right stuff to lead organizations in a go-go, extroverted business culture
Here are five key characteristics that help introverted leaders build on their quiet strength and succeed.
1. They think first, talk later. Introverted leaders think before they speak. Even in casual conversations, they consider others' comments carefully, and they stop and reflect before responding. One executive tells me that he sits back and listens to his leadership team's ideas and proposals, often using silence to allow even more thoughts to bubble up. Learning by listening, not talking, is a trait that introverts consistently demonstrate. They also use their calm, quiet demeanors to be heard amid all the organizational noise and chatter. (One thoughtful, reasoned comment in a meeting can move a group forward by leaps and bounds.) In fact, the most powerful person in the room is often the most quiet. Additionally, an introvert's tendency to be more measured with words is a major asset in the current economy, when no leader can afford to make costly gaffes.
2. They focus on depth. Introverted leaders seek depth over breadth. They like to dig deep, delving into issues and ideas before moving on to new ones. They are drawn to meaningful conversations, not superficial chitchat, and they know how to ask great questions and really listen to the answers. In a recent interview with TheNew York Times, Deborah Dunsire, M.D., president and chief executive of Millennium, a Cambridge, Mass., biopharmaceutical company, said, "In addition to conducting organizational surveys and holding town hall meetings, I schedule walk around time, just stopping by offices. ... I would just say, 'Hey, what is keeping you up nights? What are you working on? What's most exciting to you right now? Where do you see we can improve?'" Dr. Dunsire maintains that by pursuing this kind of in-depth questioning--something that introverted leaders do exceptionally well--executives can learn what's actually happening in the far reaches of their organizations and engage and retain their top talent.
3. They exude calm. Introverted leaders are low-key. In times of crisis, they project a reassuring, calm confidence--think President Obama--and they speak softly and slowly regardless of the heat of the conversation or circumstances. Whenever they get ready for a meeting, a speech or a special event, their secret to success can be summed up in one word: preparation. They often plan and write out their meeting questions well in advance, and for important talks and speeches, they rehearse out loud. They also act "as if": One executive tells me that he pretends to be James Bond before major industry conferences. It makes him feel more cool and confident. They psych themselves up internally, too, by quieting negative thoughts and framing the upcoming experience more positively. Prior to networking events, Bob Goodyear, an Atlanta-based information technology leader, tells himself, "I can do anything for 30 minutes."
4. They let their fingers do the talking. Introverted leaders usually prefer writing to talking. This comfort with the written word often helps them better articulate their positions and document their actions. It also helps them leverage online social networking tools such as Twitter, creating new opportunities to be out there with employees, customers and other stakeholders. For instance, using Best Buy's ( BBY - news - people ) Blue Shirt Nation, an internal social network for employees at the electronics superstore, senior management and sales associates can connect continuously to discussing workers' feedback and ideas. I know one chief financial officer who writes a daily internal blog and in a recent posting described how he made "a good presentation great" by practicing. In so sharing his experience, he not only showed openness and honesty but also provided coaching to thousands of employees.
5. They embrace solitude. Introverted leaders are energized by spending time alone. They suffer from people exhaustion and need to retreat to recharge their batteries frequently. These regular timeouts actually fuel their thinking, creativity and decision-making and, when the pressure is on, help them be responsive, not reactive. When introverts honor that inner pull, they can do their best work. In managing interruptions, they also manage people's expectations. When asked to respond to requests or ideas, Martin Schmidler, a vice president at a national food service organization, often tells his team that he needs time to absorb what's being asked or presented. He's clear on how and when he'll get back to people, and he consistently follows through on his commitments. This clarity and consistency helps him build trust with his team. -
mindseye
Good article. I am not a parent of an introvert, but I am an introvert, and understand how it is to grow up in a mostly extrovert family. Much of this advice can applied by extroverted friends and spouses of introverts as well. The need for downtime is the most important thing. Extroverts seldom understand this as they get energy from being around people. They may see the introvert as aloof or snobby by wanting to be alone for extended periods of time. I enjoy being around people, but need to recharge after, especially if it is a large party. Fortunately my girlfriend is also an introvert, so there is little conflict there.
Despite introverts being misunderstood by the majority (extroverts) I would never trade my introversion for extroversion. One of the best things is working on a solitary project like a writing a paper, reading a book, or cleaning the house. I can work on it for hours without saying a word, and actually enjoy it.
It's always interesting to read lists of famous introverts like the one above. I agree with most of the choices. But Oprah Winfrey? I know introverts have the ability to be quite extroverted, but Oprah always came off as a raging extrovert to me. Maybe it's just her television persona.
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Highlander
Thanks for the pointer.
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darth frosty
On The Oprah Thing I think it is just her persona. If you really look at her personal life its very guarded and she lets out what she wants you to see.
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tec
My oldest hits almost all those clues. I had to learn by hit and miss. I used to throw him big birthday parties at home, and he always always had a meltdown. I learned that he couldn't handle big crowds and loud noise. He needed his quiet time to recharge. He's getting much better as he gets older... and I guess also as I know his limitations better.
Tammy
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darth frosty
Not mine from where I initially found this article, but I fully support the thought:
"Yeah, introverted doesn't have to mean you are holed up in some dark room with the door locked. I think a lot of introverted folks are better at determining the value of folks, than social butterflies who surround themselves with hordes of people. Damn near every relationship has some sort of value to it. I'm real big on symbiotic vs. parasitic relationships, you surround yourself with too many people and it is almost impossible to control that sort of thing (and you get a parasitic person on you and they will make you feel literally physically tired). I think that is why introverts feel drained in social settings, a room full of parasites and everybody leaves full, but if you are not the type of cat that feeds on others energy and you are in a room full of feeders, you become food. Thats Why I can't stand to be around people who don't contribute nothing but "entertainment" or simple minded-assed amusements."
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Joey Jo-Jo
Great article, from one introvert to another I dont think this scope refers to all introverts, at times I panic, have a problem with speech during high amounts of stress and can't think straight, one uni exam my brain just shut down completely, but everything else I find to be correct, introverts dont get much along with extroverts untill they know you better.
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alias
Love this!
alias (introvert)
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darth frosty
This is one of the hardest things for my wife to understand about me, the need to be alone. She always wants to go and be around folks and I tell her 'I hate people' well not so much hate, just like to limit and control my interaction with them.