I am currently just sick with grief. I can't believe this is happening to me. All the jokes I've made about me never "falling out of the truth" and self confidence about my spirituality. Gone. Born in the truth. Raised in the truth. I am a senior citizen, it's been well over six decades! EVERYONE in my family is a wittness. I suddenly realize that I have a gun to my head. I will lose everyone I love for four generations. I guess I have been apostate for many years, only I didn't know it, and apparently no one has thought to tell me. I am not alone. Many in my fleshly family hold similar views. I am not even secretive particularly. Everyone in the congregation must just think I am eccentric. It's been years since I believed everyone would die at Armaggeddon. I tell sisters all the time, "Oh that's just garbage that you need to stay with an abusive husband! Jehovah wouldn't want you to suffer. Think what a terrible example that would be for your children!" Someone recently challanged one of my viewpoints and I thought I would just look up some extra information to prove a point. It was then that I discovered that if I differ from our teaching, I am an apostate. No one has complained about me, but now, I don't know. All it will take is one, won't it? Suddenly, in the last few weeks, I've done an absolute fury of research, and I am now completely convinced that many (though not all) of what we teach is in error. Actually, it might better be said that my viewpoint is that "the organization" has overstepped itself in demanding obediance to it, rather than to God.
I am physically ill over this. I have no one to talk to. I can't go to the elders. (Half my sons are elders!) What am I going to do?