At the end of my rope :(

by tec 58 Replies latest jw friends

  • The Finger
    The Finger

    I hope things improve for you. Marriages and families are so difficult I find. I always enjoy reading your views on here and you are a published author.

  • OnTheWayOut

    A husband and wife are a team. You all chose for you to raise the kids and his schedule forces you to be the one to do the household things. Now if you are made to feel bad about "doing nothing" when it is not true, the problem is his. Stop feeling guilty about it. He uses your guilt to take advantage of the situation and go out drinking and whatnot.

    Rant if you need to. It feels good to get it off your shoulders.

  • wasblind

    Hey Tammy,

    i thought about you yesterday because i didn't see you post anything, if you did maybe i overlooked.

    Tammy you are not stupid to stay with your husband while you were dealing with your son, trying to

    deal with to much at one time can be overwhelming. Tammy do you think that your problems with your

    husband is contributing to your son's depression ? If things get to bad , can you stay with your father?

    i'm thinking maybe if your children see you happy and not so stressed that feeling just might trickle

    down to them. I don't know it's just a thought. Maybe you could talk to Lady Lee. Anyway you continue

    to keep the faith love.

  • tec

    Thank you, everyone, for you advice and your concern, and your hugs.

    Stephen: thank your for the scripture. I admire your strength and perseverance through the trials with your wife and son. Peace to you as well.

    Loz : The day to myself every couple of weeks sounds wonderful. Once we're all moved in and settled, I know that I need to make some changes.

    Scotsman : Good advice, and words that I do usually live by. I try always to live in the moment and look for the future rather than dwell on the past. This is the first time I've felt such resentment that its staying with me.

    Jamie - He would find out just had good he had it if I left in a hot minute. I know. But I also know that he would talk badly about me to my kids when he had them. Sometimes he does it now when I'm at work. I'm trying to make the best decision for me and the kids. Maybe that's part of the reason I can't see everything as clearly?

    Gladiator - Thank you for the calm perspective. My husband had an even worse childhood than I did. I understand why he's such a hard and angry man. It's one of the reasons I excuse a lot of his behavior. But at some point, he has to take responsibility. I can keep on with him, helping him in small ways... but I don't know how to get him to see me. And this resentment is building up in me, despite my efforts to let it go, and I know it must be showing - which in turn makes it worse. Really, he and I just need to have a big fight, but we end up doing this every six months or so to clear the air and get back on track, and I'm just weary at the thought of continuing to do this for the rest of my life.

    Its a bad time with the move and all, and I'll reassess - both our relationship and my part in it - once we move and get settled.

    Darkuncle - My husband doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. I personally don't think he is capable of knowing better, or at least of understanding better. In the past, he has admitted that I do a lot, that he couldn't do it on his own - but then he forgets and we start on this cycle all over again. Your words aren't too blunt for me at all. I don't even care about the house. I should be happy about my first house, but I'm not. My son is eleven, btw. In a normal situation, I think he would be okay with a heart to heart, and it may have to happen whether I want it to or not. But he is an extremely sensitive kid, and he will be devastated. The threat of suicide (for him) is always hanging over my head.

    So yes, fear is definitely keeping me from acting.

    I'm getting to everyone else soon. Thanks for writing and I'll be back.





    Tammy- go to Brins and take the place of Goddess. Love ya!

  • tec

    Thetis - Thank you for your good thoughts. I'm sorry you've gone through similar. It is hard to feel alone in it all. I've researched the air purifier and I will be getting it if we keep this dog. Everything could be rough for him right now because he's been with me through the painting, and the dust, and he's been taking care of the puppy - rolling on the floor with him, etc - since we started the move.

    Sad Emo - I don't know if there is any such law as that here, but I don't think it matters. As a welder with a union, he gets laid off from one job site and re-hired on another all the time. Just bad luck that it happened right after we closed this mortgage. I knew he was going to get laid off from this job site soon, I just didn't know he planned on taking time off afterward, or about the EI thing.

    If I do take this puppy back and get another, it will be one of these other breeds. Hubby refuses to get a poodle or a toy because its not a 'manly' dog. I think, or rather I know, its time for me to do what's best for me and the kids, because he doesn't think about that. Or he is incapable of understanding ramifications, I don't know.

    Metatron - The answer to your question is, 'I don't know'. I think that's why I'm having trouble deciding one way or the other.

    The Finger - thanks for you well wishing.

    OTWO - thank you. Thank you for being a man and saying what you did. (and for summing a great deal up in just a few pointed sentences) I don't know many people who see a 'mostly' stay at home mom as an actual contributer to the family.

    Wasblind - I've been thinking a lot lately about the things you wrote. I know the difficulties in my marriage trickle down to my son. He's too sensitive for them not to do so. And yes, I can go to my parents if need be. They have a room for me and a room for the boys all set up. (without actually telling me that's what its for.) I haven't posted much lately because of the packing and cleaning and painting I've been doing. Plus, my husband hates that I go on this site now - because he thinks it takes away from the other things I should be doing.

    Again... thank you everyone for all your words of support.


  • Think About It
    Think About It

    Tammy........for now I just want to say hang in there sweetie. Your son should be your top priority for now. It's hard for me to give advise without knowing the effects the cult had on you & hubby, how long you've been out, and the age & maturity level of your husband.

    P.S. Congrats on the book.......very impressive accomplishment.

    Think About It

  • wasblind

    " They have a room for me and a room for the boys all set up. (without actually telling me that's what its for.)"

    Tammy i feel so much better with that said. See how selfish i am, talkin' about "me" feelin' better and this ain't even about me.

  • Deceived

    (((Tammy))) I feel for you and wish I could give you a big hug and do something to help you feel better. I don't know you well as I just met you while playing the Werewolf game. I could see what a lovely sweet girl you are.

    I have been there done it myself in a relationship that was not working. Somehow I ended up in the same situation again 5 years and I am waiting for the time to be right to ask him to leave. I got really sick 3 years ago and that impeded me to make changes.I can't walk or do much for myself so I have to depend on others. My guy gets violent when things don't go his way so I just be quiet for now. My MS flares up and I go paralyzed with any stress. You are young, so don't waste your life with someone that doesn't show love to you and makes you unhappy. If you can get out of it. I would suggest first trying to talk to him and letting him know you are thinking of breaking up if he doesn't try to work things out. I have the feeling he will probably not want to talk though and just say you are the one that has to change. Its classic behaviour.

    You are feeling trapped and fearful and that is just not healthy or fair. If I were you I would go and find a social worker from the community care to talk to and she might have suggestions for your optiions or better yet a family councillor who could help you think this through and to guide you to a decision that is best for YOU and your children. Ranting is "good" because you need to talk to others to help you work it through. I know you are in Canada, I am in Ontario. If you want to chat or someone to talk to I have lots of time and I would be happy to be a shoulder to cry on

    I am so intriqued that you wrote a novel. That is amazing. You are a creative and special person and you do not need a person in your life that takes you down and makes you feel worthless and not good about yourself. You are experiencing emotional abuse and you are in a toxic relationship. I have a check list somewhere that is written by a expert on relationships and they list behaviours that indicate toxic relationships. I will try and find that list for you.

    I am so sorry about the puppy ZeeZee, that is so sad and I just hope you can get another one for your son that doesn't shed. If you want a bigger dog that doesn't shed I hear labradoodles are very good with kids.

    Hugs from Velvet aka Deceived

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