At the end of my rope :(

by tec 58 Replies latest jw friends

  • beksbks

    Oh Tammy.

  • StAnn

    Tammy, you have a PM.

  • goldensky

    Dear Tammy,

    Having an 11-year-old myself, your story broke my heart. Just that one problem is huge enough to overwhelm anybody, how much more if on top of that your husband adds to the burden! Plus, as The Gladiator and other posters have pointed out, you are SUCH a sweet person his treatment is absolutely unjustified! I'm truly sorry you are going through that and wish I could do something active to help you. My heart and my thoughts are with you. I wish you lots of inner strength and wisdom.... Please give an extra hug to your son for me...

  • flipper

    TAMMY- After reading everyone's responses- I'll add my 2 cents. I'm so sorry you and your son were treated so disparagingly from this excuse of a " husband ". You have been abused emotionally and mentally by him for far too long. Allowing your son to see this dysfunctional behavior of your husband will only create wrong, misguided views in your son and foster dysfunctional attitudes in him as he grows up to an adult. Like a co-dependent situation letting said husband run all over your family.

    I had an older sister wait 20 years to leave a similar man- she now suffers from post traumatic stress syndrome at age 58 - and never got with another man . She's too damaged emotionally. It certainly IS your decision - however if after talking with your husbad and he REFUSES to go to marriage counseling with you- it will pretty much gve you your answer as to whether things will EVER change in your marriage. So the 2 choices you face- either stay with him in a bad relationship with you carrying the emotional , physical, & mental load the rest of your life - or leave and get peace of mind and heart for yourself and children .

    Personally - If I ever had a wife who de-valued my son trying to commit suicide and disrespected the occurence acting boorishly - that woman would have her a$$ down the road so fast her head would spin. Anybody who de-values human life is dysfunctional and not worth being in MY life.

    TAMMY- You are a sweet, caring woman who needs to learn to VALUE herself & your contributions to life, love, & your marriage. You have given 110% - we can only control our OWN actions- can't force others to be what they are not - if it just isn't within them. May you find happiness in yourdecisions you make. Whatever you decide- please protect yourself and children. THAT is the priority. Even if your husband decides NOT to get marriage counseling - go get counseling yourself for you and your son . Hang in there. PLease feel free to PM me if you would like to. Love & hugs to you from my wife and I. Sincerely, Mr. Flipper

  • mrsjones5


    I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Being on the west coast I miss a lot and often read stuff like this a bit late which adds to my frustration of not being about to do anything other than feel my heart break over situations such as yours. A lot of good advice has been given that i hope you can use . I have nothing to add other than to agree that you need to take care of yourself and your son. I hope things get better for you soon.


  • ziddina

    Aw, Sweetheart!!! Hugs!!! (((TEc))))

    It sounds like you have a worst-case-scenario version of my husband... He's somewhat like yours, only he's hard-working, and not as rabid in his denigrations of me...

    About your son and the dog - speak to your son about cleaning up his diet - especially avoiding refined sugars and milk products... Sometimes a food allergy sensitizes the body to develop other allergies.

    When I was a kid, I was supposedly allergic to pets [we kept ours housed in the garage instead of the house, due to my supposed "allergies"], house dust, feathers, and grass clippings...

    Imagine my surprise when I grew up and got away from dysfunctional Ma & Pa - and started eating a HEALTHY diet. Within a couple of months of moving out, I found out that I was allergic - HIGHLY allergic - to refined sugar. Actually, it turned out that my body could sense - and reacted to - the FORMALDEHYDE and BLEACH that is used to process refined sugars...

    Yuk. Within six months of getting rid of the refined sugars from my diet, I could have pets indoors, go hiking without sneezing, go CAMPING[!!], mow the lawn - well, I didn't HAVE a lawn at that time, but - use feather products, and so on...

    Sweet Tec, it's not that I'm knocking your diet, but we know how teenagers - and kids - like to eat junk food... Heck, now that we're talking about it, I LIKE junk food too!! And end up with a runny nose, every time I eat it...

    As for the husband, well, buying a house is very stressful. Hopefully things will settle down...

    I don't feel good about your situation, though. Your husband sounds like a spoiled brat who's never grown up, refuses to listen to you, and is HIGHLY resistant to change... [Reminds me of my hubby, except for the spoiled brat part - he's more mature than yours - and likes animals too, thank goodness!]

    I suggest that you plan an escape. Keep plugging forwards - and CONGRATULATIONS on getting a book published!!! - You can do it AGAIN.

    May I also suggest that you do what I do when my hubby starts verbally attacking me, belittling me, or totally discounts my good advice - TUNE HIM OUT... Superficially agree with him, and THEN DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS RIGHT.

    Your husband seems to want to have both worlds - he wants the comfort of a home and family, yet he also wants to be that "wild, crazy, swinging single guy"...

    NOT a comfortable situation, and definitely NOT A SECURE situation.

    You'll make it through, though. I was in a somewhat similar situation with my former JW husband - he refused to work, he wouldn't bring in a steady paycheck; I worked full-time to pay rent on our house, took care of the animals (we had dogs and cats), went to the meetings and despaired that I would ever get out of that miserable situation...

    All while HE was taking ski vacations in Vail and Copper Mountain, paying his way by doing wallpapering and sleeping in unfinished ski condos. He almost NEVER attended meetings with me; the elders were all telling me that if I WERE a "Good Little Christian Wifey", then "Jehovah" would fix things...

    I got so sick of it I reached the point of considering suicide, and then I decided that I wasn't going to "wait on Jehoover" any longer, I was going to FIX THINGS MYSELF!!!

    I walked out, never looked back, and things have been much, MUCH better since!!

    Are your children old enough to understand what's going on?? Can you get them to work with you?? Very difficult, I know, with a husband who undercuts their respect for you, but I suspect they prefer you to your husband, especially since he sounds very volatile. Does he cut them down, too, the same way he does to you???

    You WILL reach a good point in the future. Keep that in mind. I suspect that you will do so, sans present hubby, and that could be a GOOD thing...


  • Coffee House Girl
    Coffee House Girl

    Tammy....(sigh)girl, hang in there...everyone has said what I already wanted to, getting your novel published is a very important accomplishment and you should be very proud regardless of the $$$ results, I hope you can hang on to that pride and write again when it is good for you...

    You are the expert in your own life, I have also felt at times that every decision I made was wrong and turned to crap...but you know what is best for you, you said as much in your may need to break away, you may lose a house (been there, done's just things-things cannot make you happy), you may lose a husband (been there, done that...much better off without him), but whatever you decide- hang on to your support-hold on to your friends

    keep posting, were here for you!


  • jamiebowers
    Jamie - He would find out just had good he had it if I left in a hot minute. I know. But I also know that he would talk badly about me to my kids when he had them. Sometimes he does it now when I'm at work. I'm trying to make the best decision for me and the kids. Maybe that's part of the reason I can't see everything as clearly?

    He's already downgrading you to the kids, so don't let the fear of him doing it after you leave stop you from taking action now. Take it from someone who staggered from one damaging relationhip to another from childhood to early adulthood: abusers abuse either because they are guilty of betraying the relationship or they have something wrong inside them that they can't fix alone. Go to counseling by yourself if he won't go with you. There you wil find he buiding blocks neccesary to gain your independence from him and then give him the choice of putting up or shutting up.

    The way your husband acts is not a guy thing; it's an abuser's thing. Please don't let him damage your self esteem and warp the kids' view of manhood any longer. A real man should relish the thought of caring for his family in every way and not resent working a full time job to support them. Doing so will make him a better man, but he has to want that.

    I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but my stepdaughter is going through the same thing that you are. It makes me sick, because she didn't grow up that way. Her dad, my husband, works his ass off at his job, maintains and repairs everything from our cars to the plumbing, does all of the yard work, does the bulk shopping and helps out with heavy housework and laundry that I can't do, because I'm physically disabled. Oh, and he'd cut his own heart out before he'd see me take out the trash or pump gas. By the way, he's almost 60 years old with aches and pains of his own. Before the kids were grown, he did his fair share of parenting as well.

    That, my dear, is a man. And he has the profound respect of his wife, kids, co-workers, supervisors and friends. My stepdaughter said one time that they don't make them like that anymore. But that simply isn't true. Although he's only 21, my stepson is well on his way to being his father's son. Your dad sounds as if he's of the same caliber, so you came from good stock and shouldn't accept anything less, dear heart.

  • MrFreeze

    Sometimes you just need to rant. You don't need suggestions. You just need to rant. Honestly, I don't know what to tell you. I'm not married so I don't have the experience there, but I know if I was, I would never try to make my mate feel worthless. It's just a sad situation.

    Sometimes there seems like in a time in your life where everything seems to be going wrong. Life sorta sucks like that sometimes. I wish I had some majorly awesome advice to give but I don't. I don't know what I would do if I were in your situation.

  • Billy the Ex-Bethelite
    Billy the Ex-Bethelite


    Sorry to hear about your troubles. I'm single and certainly not an expert on things. You've already gotten good suggestions on counselling and "chilling". But I did want to mention three things that I hope will be encouraging.

    First, you really are entitled to lighten up on yourself about the house, the dog, and many of the other decisions you're beating yourself up over. You've always meant well and made reasonable decisions with the information at hand. You had the best of intentions when you studied with JWs. You wanted to know "the truth" and please God. Those are good intentions. And fortunately you learned the truth about the truth and realized it was "a mistake". Believe me, it was a comparatively small mistake compared to the population of the world's prisons. And in the end, you came out WISER after the JW experience. You've obviously learned more about the Bible and have a closer relationship with God than you had before the JWs came along. Similarly, you signed on for the house with the best of intentions for your family and the future. You can't expect everything to go "as planned." Just don't over-react or beat yourself up for being normal, mortal. Things don't go as planned for most of us. We just try to make the best decisions as life comes along. Same with the dog. It was a sound decision. Just take your time and give yourself and everyone else time to think. And give it all some time as so many things in life just "work out". You're doing the best you can. It's not like everything in the universe is under your control and you're trying to ruin the lives of everyone around you. You're a good person. Don't treat yourself like you're anything less.

    Second, it does sound like your marriage has problems and may not last, but with the move, you're both going through a lot of stress right now. The several times I've moved, both into, out of, and within Bethel, I found moving to be very stressful, even though I would be going into a better situation than I'd been in previously. Everything seems to be in upheaval and it's hard to find the things you're looking for. Everything is out of whack and it's easy to get freaked out. We have a saying in my family, "Three moves is as good as a fire." So many things get lost and broken along the way while moving. I don't know if new schools will be involved, but you've got a new neighborhood full of strangers probably. It would be ideal if your husband were jumping in and working beside you, rather than at odds with you. It sound like the move is adding stress, but much of it may be temporary as things settle in. We can hope.

    Third, I hope things work out to keep the dog. A friend of my sister suffered from depression... until she got her new puppy. Suddenly, she had a reason to get out of bed in the morning. How could she not feel better to have such a happy companion that barked with delight when she returned... from just getting the mail. Pets are often a good way for kids to learn responsibility, kindness, compassion, and cleanliness. Walking a dog is great exercise and is a good way to meet new people. If your son takes the time and interest in training the dog, it's a better investment than video games. I'm thinking that since you didn't say that the dog was destructive, too expensive, or your son had lost interest, I'm hoping there's a way to work around any allergy problems.

    I don't know if any of this helps. But I wish you the best.

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