At the end of my rope :(

by tec 58 Replies latest jw friends

  • tec

    Think About It - thanks. My son is, and I think part of this end of the rope was my mistake in the puppy and knowing I'm probably going to have to hurt him by taking it away. We'll see. We're not and never were JW's, btw. I almost joined after a two year study. Agreed to join, and I believed everything (everything that I had been taught, not everything there was to know about it, mind you). Hubby was never in, never considered it, and none of my family are in. We're just two 'worldlies' having trouble without any help at all from a cult.

    Although... He was mad at me for almost joining. He throws it in my face on occasion. He doesn't give me any credit for NOT joining. Only criticism for almost joining. To be fair to him though, he didn't want me talking to them from the beginning. He's probably resentful that I didn't listen to him. The funny thing is that our marriage improved when I was talking to JW's. Because I was being the more 'submissive' partner. Doing things to please him, not arguing with him, etc.

    Then I didn't join, and I got published, and he was great during that time. Great to me - he still pretty much ignored the kids and did whatever he wanted. But he was nice for a while. Then when I didn't write the sequel, and our lives didn't change (financially) the way he thought, I think maybe he just got bitter. Now he's as bad as he was a few years ago - and I told myself I could never go back to living that way again.

    There's a lot of hurt and resentment and anger in him for life. I think he loves us as best as he is capable of loving anyone. But I can't be mom to my boys and also to him, all the time. He needs to step up because I'm... as I said... at the end of my rope.

    And yeah, I know I need to have this conversation with him. Hashing it out here is at least getting things clear in my head.

    Oh... my husband is 38 and I'm 34. I know we need family and marriage counseling - but I have to fight him just to bring it up, and I'm tired of fighting him every step. (not fighting with him; fighting him)


  • wasblind

    hey tammy , on a light note

    believe it or not i just started reading romance novels last summer.

    i went throught all of the Virginia Henley novels the library had and right

    now i'm in the middle of a Sally MacKenzie novel, i would love to read

    yours if you PM me the title

  • MsDucky
  • MsDucky

    I tried to paste in the Life Events Stress Test and it didn't take. And I had written something... pretty much said that you're doing too much at once. Take a step back and look at it. Also, asked if you could make the dog an outdoor pet.

    Here's the test if you're interested.

  • Scully


    If your son's school finds out about his suicide attempt (and they probably will, because other kids talk), be prepared for an investigation from Children's Aid. I'm not saying this to scare you or upset you, just to inform you. They can require the family (kids and husband included) to participate in some pretty intensive counselling programs, which I think would be very positive for your family.

    Maybe as a pre-emptive measure, you could call them yourself (children's aid or youth services) and ask about programs they offer for families that are struggling with conflict between the parents. If nothing else, you will have an opportunity to learn some conflict resolution strategies to use with your husband. Also, talk to your family doctor about your risk for depression. Clearly, you're overwhelmed and I'd hate to see depression add to the burden you are already trying to cope with.

    Why your husband's demeanor is the way it is, is something that needs to be figured out - being abusive and demeaning toward you is unacceptable, inappropriate and intolerable, and a breach of the marriage vows (to love, honour and cherish) he made "before God". It sounds like he resents that you are a SAHM - and a lot of men do resent their wife for being a SAHM, even though it was their idea to avoid the expense of daycare and babysitting (been there, done that). It is NOT fair for him to expect you to take his abusive treatment while you are raising HIS children. You have made a career sacrifice for THEIR benefit and he needs to understand the value of that sacrifice. Why don't you call around to some daycares and see what they are charging for the number of kids you have, and then add on the cost of a weekly housekeeper, a cook and personal shopper? That's how much money you're saving in potential expenses (even though most employed women do the vast majority of the housework and cooking in addition to their jobs). Could you earn enough outside the home to cover those expenses, what kind of income would you need to meet those obligations and contribute to your family's well-being?

    Have you ever thought of taking a course that would allow you to work from home, like a medical or legal transcriptionist? I'd encourage you to look into this, because if you are serious about leaving him and plan to take the kids with you, you'll need to have a skill that will allow you to earn enough money to do that. You could even set things up so that you can write off an "office" in your home and the utilities required to run it - including your computer, part of your vehicle expenses, etc.

    Maybe you could tell him that you are working on your next book. Tell him the main character is a SAHM, dealing with an @$$hole husband who treats her like $h!t, and you're trying to work out how she gets away from him.

  • Dark Side
    Dark Side


    I was your husband 10 years ago.

    Men are easy. We love it when it's calm. We love to come home and hear silence. We don't like change. We really don't like to listen to the story about your day. We can give you 2 minutes at best, then we drown you out. It's not our fault. Blame Jehovah

    That being said, your husband needs a HUGE wake-up call. Talking to him probably won't work, unless you have a gun to his head

    Men are stupid. Men get complacent. As cheesy as it sounds, men usually don't miss it until it's gone.

    Good luck

  • wasblind

    " Men are easy. We love it when it's calm. We love to come home and hear silence. We don't like change. We really don't like to listen to the story about your day. We can give you 2 minutes at best, then we drown you out. It's not our fault. Blame Jehovah "

    Thanks Darkside, I'm gonna keep this in mind for my own use

  • Dark Side
    Dark Side

    Thanks Darkside, I'm gonna keep this in mind for my own use

    Ok, but I wasn't being sarcastic. Most men really are lazy in relationships. It takes most of us until middle-age to truly appreciate women

  • Think About It
    Think About It

    Tammy........glad to hear of no cult involvement or issues related to that. My take is your husband is an immature 38 or he is just mean. Time may or may not improve things. Only you can discern that. My advise for now is for you to stand up to him, tell him you are not taking this crap anymore and for him to knock it off, grow up and be the mature man of his family. Tell him you both just had a son who attempted suicide and he needs to realize he can't be acting like an immature selfish jerk.

    Think About It

  • StAnn

    So sorry to hear of your troubles, Tammy.

    I think this is universal amongst men. My cousin is seriously considering dumping her husband of 20+ years over the same issues.

    Personally, I love my husband BUT, if I had it to do over again, I would remain single. Precisely for the reasons you mention, being run ragged and not getting appreciation for it and not getting support.

    I think our husbands think we're just support staff.

    One word of advice, if I may. My husband used to get angry over money because I paid all of the bills and he couldn't understand where all the money went. So I switched us to a cash only system and every two weeks, when he gets paid, we divvy up the money according to what is owed. He actually sees where the money is going and there are no more accusations that money is being wasted. It does help if they are involved with bill paying.


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