At the end of my rope :(

by tec 58 Replies latest jw friends

  • tec

    I'm sorry. I don't usually do this. But I guess this is my first big rant.

    This last year has been the hardest year of my life. My son tried to kill himself ( he did something pretty bad, got caught, and I guess that's the only way he thought to deal) I am also very close to actually hating my husband, and I do not hate people. And every decision that I make lately seems to be the wrong one.

    We just bought our first house, and I would do anything - ANYTHING - to take back my name on that mortgage, just to avoid being trapped in this marriage. My husband thinks (really I don't know what he thinks, but anyway...) that I do nothing. He has forgotten that I raise these kids on my own. That I do everything in the house - bills, groceries, cleaning, cooking, 90% of the childcare (and I'm being generous giving him 10%). I work if I can, but I have to work around his schedule, which often takes him out of town - which makes it hard for me to work, except during the school year while the boys are in school. I do this though, and I will again starting in September. We both agreed early on that we did not want to do daycare and babysitters.

    BOTH of us agreed to this. I worked as much as he does before we had children.

    I never hound him for help. I know he works a lot, and pays for most everything. I don't mind doing the rest of it. I mean sometimes I do. If he isn't working, he's out doing whatever he wants, drinking and stuff. I don't do anything without the kids. But whatever, no big deal. I love my kids. But for my husband to be angry and demeaning to me considering all this? I don't mind the work, but I do mind being treated as if I'm some kind of lazy, selfish, money grubbing b*tch. Especially since I rarely to never spend money on myself, and usually only then if my jeans are falling apart or something. I'm not out spending HIS money, like he treats me as doing.

    Last year I sold a book. I'd been writing for years, trying to get published. He seems to think that this means we are going to be rich and he can stop working. Its just a romance novel. I told him getting rich off one book in the romance genre was just not happening. Not a chance. I make more in a month of waitressing than I will make off this book. He doesn't believe me. He is angry at me every day because I have not written the sequel yet. He never supported me when I was writing all those years trying to get published, (support as in considered it a job and cut me some slack around the house) The writing I do is on top of everything else that I do. So I'm not slacking in any of my actual responsibilities.

    Anyway, that's just a stupid thing, but the way he treats me is not. Every day its a reminder that everything is his, that he works and pays for everything, and that I do nothing.

    I'm so mad. And also hurt. And resentful and tired. I just want to leave him, and I've never wanted it so badly before. The night I was at the hospital with my son after he tried to kill himself at school, I called my husband from the pay phone to tell him what had happened. We argued and he hung up on me. At the hospital. Where our son was under suicide watch. I called him back a bit later. Same thing. Again later, same thing. What the hell? I just needed reassurance that he was not going to fly off the handle when I brought Curtis home. Some support would have been nice also... But I should have left him that night. I can't get over the resentment that I'm feeling over his treatment and the stupid excuses I make for him. I feel so freaking stupid for not leaving him.

    I'm also stupid for letting him treat me like this.

    So remember how we just bought a house? The day after we sign papers, he gets laid off. Still no big deal. He works for the union and jobs come up every day. But his estranged daughter was supposed to come up and meet him (she cancelled last minute), and he had decided to just take the week off. That was fine, but I mentioned that he still had to look for a job. Just so he would have a job at the end of the week, rather than start looking then, and perhaps go another week with no job. Because our first mortgage payment would be a week later, with no money coming in - and since I also do all the finances I'm always the bad guy when it comes to the money that we need. He got pissed, told me I was trying to work him into the grave, decided that he was going to get EI and sit on that for a year while I went to work instead.

    Fine. Except that EI wouldn't come in in time to make that payment. And if he wanted to switch roles, fine, but I needed to know a bit sooner because I couldn't come up with the extra hours and mortgage payment that quickly either.

    But really. Who buys a house and then decides to completely change his lifestyle, without even discussing it with his wife? I get that he was angry, thinking I was forcing him back to work -which I was, or we would lose this house before we even get moved in. He just doesn't believe me. I don't understand him.

    I think I'm also hurt because he just doesn't know who I am. At all. I am not this awful person that he thinks I am. And he really thinks it. I... I don't know what to say or do about it. But if that big "I'm going on EI now and you can work - along with the you're a lazy good for nothing attitude" had happened the week before, then I would have packed the kids, left and filed for divorce. But I signed the papers for the house, and if he isn't going to make the payments, then I have to. So I feel completely trapped.

    Of course, he went out and got a job right away, one that he is making sure I know how many hours it is, how hard it'll be - and that I'm the one who forced his hand.

    Whatever. You wanted to buy a house. You have a family. You can't just decide to stop working.

    I have to force myself to stop thinking bad thoughts of him, but every time he makes a snide remark, they just pop up and bring me down.

    On top of it, my son, who has few friends and is prone to depression has wanted a dog for some time. We finally got him one, since we got a house. He has allergies, but this is a low shedding dog and I'm going to follow all the allergy tips galore. I truly thought he would be fine, but he's been the sole dog carer for the last couple days while I pack and paint and clean (and his father drinks and goes riding ). Now he's coughing and stuffy and that might settle down once we're all settled, but.. I just don't know what to do. It might seem silly, but I am crying right now, because I might have to give this dog away and he is going to be so heartbroken, and I never should have allowed it to begin with. This is the second huge mistake I've made in the last few months.

    I'm so tired of doing everything alone. I'm so tired that my son is hurting, and I'm just going to have to hurt him more because I'm a stupid idiot for letting him have the hope of this puppy. I should have gotten a different type of dog, but his father would have nothing to do with those little toy dogs and I went ahead and did what he wanted instead of what would have been best for my son... so we got a Boston which is low shedding. But it sneezes and snorts, and that gets the saliva everywhere, and that must be what he's allergic to.

    I can't make a right decision. Yes I pray. Yes, I have my faith, and believe me, what strength I have comes from that. I just don't want my son to hurt anymore. I just don't want to be married to a man who knows nothing at all about me. And what he does know, he still belittles. Honesty? Well that's annoying if it gets in the way of something he wants to do (such as have the seller of our house lend us the down payment, but asking my father to sign off on that as a gift from him - my dad wouldn't do it because he's honest and I love him for it, and then he went ahead and gifted us with the money on his own, for mine and the boys' sake).

    Faith? Well that needs to be belittled on a constant basis. Inability to write - pure laziness. It sure as hell has nothing to do with all the shit I've been dealing with this past year, completely ON MY OWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    God, what a rant.

    Thank you for listening. I don't know what I expect anyone to tell me that I don't already know. But I needed to get it out, and I feel safe doing it here.


  • Chalam

    Hi Tammy,

    Sounds like you have hit some turbulence!

    I have some idea what you are going through. My wife is getting over cancer, my son has a rare condition and has numerous operations and trips to the hospital since he was born 3½ years ago. Understandably, it has been quite a strain all round, marriage and finances included.

    Praying for peace for you. I know this peace, most powerfully the day our son was born and he was rushed straight to Great Ormond Street Hospital for an operation.

    Philippians 4:4-7 (New International Version)

    4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

    Will PM you :)

    Blessings in Christ,

    Stephen xx

  • Lozhasleft

    Tammy hun I'm sorry you're going through all this. Your man sounds like a right pig...(I remember I had one just like him) instinct is to tell you to kick him out or leave him, but it maybe isnt always that easy....whatever you decide, dont allow him to talk to you or demean you anymore hun. He has no right to do it and you have every right to refuse to accept it. You sound like such a good mum and so hard working all round and you deserve some real credit and appreciation for it.

    Its time for you to start caring for yourself. Nice long bubble baths? Hairdo? A day off on your own at least every 2 weeks? Make it non negotiable that you take some time and effort and even expense to look after yourself - you dont need to defend it - if your husband wont care for you as he should then you do it for yourself - tell him straight that if you dont you're gonna end up in the looney bin. You have to show him and even the kids that you are worth more than how you're being treated.

    I wish I could give you a big hug sweetie but I can only send one.

    Loz x

  • The Scotsman
    The Scotsman


    Shed a wee tear reading that - you are in a very diffcult position.

    Not to sure how much advice I can give but a few points would be -

    1 - Try not focus on the past - it cannot be changed though it can hurt us very much.

    2 - Try and focus on the future - this is unwritten - anything is possible.

    3 - Clearly things need to change - perhaps a dramatic change is required.

    4 - Your other half sounds like a deeply selfish person and is dragging you down to the point of stealing your happiness, perhaps it is time to leave!

    Many on JWN have dealt with similar situations - but have lived to tell the happy ending. You need to decide not to accept the current situation and start making moves to alter things for the good. It cannot be allowed to continue as it is.

    May God bless you with wisdom.

    The Scotsman

  • jamiebowers

    If he won't go to marriage counseling, file for divorce, child custody and support and possibly spousal support. He'll learn in a hot minute just how hard he'll have to work to support himself, his children and possibly you living in two different households. Please remember that by continuing in this situation, you're not only hurting yourself, but also your sons are learning how to be men from their father's example.

    Tie a knot in you rope, and hang on.


    Tammy, I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. You always come across as a very calm, pleasant and caring person who looks for the best in people. You are able to be friendly with people even though they have different views to you and sometimes criticize your faith.

    You are facing a number of challenges all at once. This often happens when difficulties in a relationship that has been strained for a long time come to a head. Your husband doesn't share your faith. This may cause him to feel outside of something that is of great importance to you.

    Though you need to see your part in where things are going wrong in your relationship, you must not blame yourself for all that is happening. I know you had a difficult childhood and left home very young. I don't know your husbands history. But often the powerful emotions that we experience growing up, can play themselves out in adult relationships.

    I hope you find a way through this difficult phase in your life.

  • darkuncle29

    I empathise with you and am sorry that you are in such a painful situation.

    I think your husband is a mean prick and needs to go. from what you've written, I have no hope that he can or even WANTS to change. Stop enabling this abusive pig-man, stop letting him demean and devalue you.

    How old is your son, the one with the allerdgies? i think no matter his age, that if you sat him down and told him the truth, reasoned with him, he would be ok with finding a good home for his dog. It will still hurt you both, but it is the loving thing to do, for your boy and the dog.

    Congrats on writing your book, that is really an acomplishment.

    The biggest emotion you may be feeling is fear, or a feeling of being stuck in a situation. Do not let fear keep you from action, you will regret that in later life.

    If you do decide to leave your husband -he sounds like the mean sort that will torment you relelntlessly- DO NOT THREATEN him or warn him of your intending actions. Do not confide in the children your intentions, but you might gently question them about how they feel home life is or however this issue manifests in their life.

    Seek legal cousel, and when you act, act first.

    You will likly loose your current home, and that is sad and scary; but it is just a house. You and your children are more important. You can buy another house.

    I'm sorry if my words are too blunt for you, I've seen this sort of thing in my personal life. My sister is in a strange relationship with a man who physically beats her and assaults her. He has injured her right hand with a knife and damaged her nerve. She is in nursing school and can't use her damn hand. Her kids live with their father, but her oldest lives with our mother and myself. She is a toxic person who we all have had to distance ourselves from.

    Painful choices can hurt now and are scary to go through, but the investment in the future is worth it.

    What ever you do choose, best of luck to you.

  • Thetis

    Dear Tammy, I keep re-reading your post as you have touched my heart. As a mother who has dealt with depression on both sides, I know how helpless one can feel in a situation like this, especially when you feel alone. Buying your son a puppy is a wonderful caring thing to do, and there are options available to alleviate his allergies. Even a purifier can be very effective. I agree with the others who say you should put yourself first. It's only by taking care of yourself, that you can be effective in dealing with this difficult situation. Good thoughts are coming your way!

  • Sad emo
    Sad emo

    My thoughts are with you Tammy.

    Can't offer you much practically but it sounds like the other posters have given enough for now - especially making that 'you' time - that is the key to getting you through whatever you decide.

    I had a couple of thoughts which may or may not help.

    1. You say your hubby got laid off the day after you signed the mortgage papers. Did he have any idea that this would happen? I don't know how it works where you are, but in the UK, you have to declare that you aren't aware of impending job loss, and if you're found to have lied, you're in big trouble. I was thinking, if the same applies there but he hadn't even told you, there might be some grounds for your part of the mortgage agreement being invalid so you won't be considered liable/could get your name removed? (hope you can make some sense of what i just wrote!) You'd need to get the legal advice on that.

    2. If you do need to give up the dog because of your sons allergy, and you still don't fancy a toy variety, you could look at a standard poodle (they're big and look quite 'normal' if you don't do the fancy clips!) or, if you have them where you are yet, a labradoodle hybrid - they look more like a labrador but have very low hair shedding like poodles - they were developed to train as guide dogs for blind people with fur allergies :)

    Take good care of YOU and your children.

  • metatron

    If you have health insurance, thru the state or work, have a nervous breakdown.

    Seriously. Let him get stuck with everything for a while. Then demand marriage counseling while you are getting treatment.

    At some point, I'd ask myself, "is there really any hope that I'll ever be happy in this situation?" If no, the rest follows from there.


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