In my 29 years active, I saw a lot of desperation marriages some have stayed together but many have not.
LD
Some thing for woman to think about
by is there help out there 82 Replies latest jw friends
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Lozhasleft
Broken Promises...Its made me so very angry to read part of your story ...I'm angry for you and the life you've missed out on although its a relief to hear that you've moved on so much...after my divorce and Df I honestly didnt think I'd ever find happiness... and I was a lot older than you ...but life has a strange way of working out...dont give up hope...stay pro-active in her search....I hope you find your soul mate just as I have...sounds like you really deserve a lovely guy...
Loz x
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Lozhasleft
Sorry I meant 'your' search...
Loz x
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daringhart13
Brokenpromises,
I have to be honest.....you're story makes me angry. You've been robbed.....lied to. It makes me sick that you have to be in that situation....not by choice, but by coercision.
I'm so sorry...... I'm in my 40's as well..... I know it must be frustrating.
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Jim_TX
I haven't read all of the comments in this thread - so this may have been covered already.
When I was growing up - and was a 'good' lil JW - the gals that were looking for a husband took one of several approaches...
1) The 'do it by the book' gals - married some fella that was on his way up in the organization.
2) The 'the picking is slim - and I don't want a JW fella - so I'll marry the non-JW and hope I can bring him into the 'truth'' gals...
3) The 'I'll study with this fella (or some brother will), and bring him into the 'truth' - then marry him before he has a chance to shop around.' gals
4) The 'Keep an eye out for the newly divorced JW fella' and snag him first - before that other gal does' gals...
Really - these are probably so similar they could be one and the same gals.
I do distinctly remember some of the young gals that I was (or could have been) interested in - wouldn't give me the time of day - and then wound up pregnant and on 'reproof' - and later married to the non-JW fella that they went and had fun with.
Oh well.
Regards,
Jim TX
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ziddina
"70% of JW are woman and 30% are men...."
Hah! Yeah, I noticed those long odds when I was a teen in the '70's... Then, the idiot WTBTS came out with the declaration that the "resurrected guys" (Sampson, Daniel, Joshua...) wouldn't be allowed to marry...
TALK about snatching the bread crust from the starving womens' mouths... The WTBTS actually put out a talk post-1975 in which they came right out and STATED that many sisters couldn't get married!!! And SOME elders practically gloated as they gave that talk from the podium...
My way of thinking, now? If these sisters could only realize that the bible is a Middle-Eastern book written by Middle Eastern men with about the same mentality as Osama Bin Laden, then (HOPEFULLY) there'd be a mass exodus OUT of the WTBTS - or any other rigidly-controlling, literalist-interpretation Christian religion...
That'd cut the WTBTS off at the knees...
Zid
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LongHairGal
Emptyinside,
You go for it! Find a man outside of the religion. Don't waste the best looking years of your life sitting and waiting for the 'new system' to find somebody. I hate to say it but...I think if the demographics were REVERSED.....that is: if there were more men than women - I strongly believe the religion would be singing a different tune about 'marrying somebody in the JW religion'. They would be making all kinds of excuses for these poor guys who couldn't find anybody. They wouldn't say a damn thing about them finding somebody outside the religion. Don't kid yourself because that is exactly what would happen if this were reality!
In my opinion, the REAL reason they don't want women looking outside the religion is because they would rather all these old maids act as drudges doing favors for all the users in the religion.
I felt they should all go to hell for their audacity to target single women!
Odrade,
I also noticed that there were more women DF'd than men if both were involved together in a sexual relationship. WHY? This cannot be coincidence and clearly shows the bias against women. Also, I NEVER did and never will bare any of MY secrets to any of these idiot woman-haters in any back room!
I kept my distance because I would not tolerate their intrusiveness.
Miseryloveselders,
I agree with you that finding a man there was difficult - and I wouldn't settle for some oddball. I looked outside. I feel if the demographics were different the religion would be singing a different tune and would be more open-minded about finding somebody outside. (see my answer to Emptyinside). Nobody's going to target me to do favors just because I am single. It isn't happening.
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Odrade
Here's an interesting addendum to this discussion...
I was in New Seasons today having lunch (NS is a local boutique grocery store with a "gourmet" luncheon area.) I was sitting at a little table right behind a group of 6 women, all dressed up in church clothes and sensible shoes. I wouldn't have thought much about it except that ALL of them were in "service appropriate" dresses and skirts. Now, I enjoy eavesdropping as much as the next person, and I'll admit that even after 8 years out, I'm still pretty good at spotting a "car group." (Not to mention the fact that 3 of the women had packed their own lunches in little thermal bags, which tells me that they didn't just stroll over from an office with a fridge. Heh.)
At least 4 of them were married (rings), and the other two I couldn't see their hands. The topic of conversation was how to get "permission" from their husbands to do things. We're not talking BIG things, we're talking little things, like having someone over for dinner, or taking an outing on Saturday afternoon. They all agreed that their husbands would never give them permission to do anything if they asked outright. (One of the women said it took her years of him saying "no" to everything, before she learned how to get permission.)
They discussed the various methods they used to get such small bits of freedom (my take on it.) One woman described how she has to plan activities weeks in advance, so she has time to start dropping hints to get him used to the idea, so then about a week ahead of time when she asks for the "final" permission, he is more likely to say yes.
It was really very sad (and a little bit amusing too,) these were attractive, intelligent women. Obviously pioneers or close (why else would they be putting in a long Monday?) Their husbands had "duties" at the KH, so we can assume that at least some of them were servants, and yet these smart, lovely ladies, were living this life of subservient triviality. What a shame!
No wonder so many of them eventually act out!
I kind of wished I could have told them: "You know, on the OUTSIDE, women are allowed to be partners with their spouses." But of course, they have the BEST way of life, so I hope they remember that next time they want to buy an extra chicken so they can have a picnic lunch, and have to plan for a week just to get permission.
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daringhart13
Wow Odrade.....that really is sick. Why would any woman put up with such an arrangement?? Who are these controlling guys??
Sick, weird stuff...... I'm glad to be free of it.
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Odrade
daring: Elders and MS, I would think. Absolute power and all that jazz. Makes men into abusers who may not necessarily be predisposed to that sort of behavior. It makes it alright, and once you've crossed one line of control, the next line is a little closer, until in no time flat you're coming up on tyranny.
You know, things are so stratified in the Organization, even within each KH, that it's impossible to get a true picture of people while you're still in.
I think of some of the people I knew when I was growing up, and how highly I thought of them. Elders who treated me like their own family, pioneers who were my closest friends. Then, after leaving, finding out that I was treated completely differently from my peers, who did not have the status that my family had. How, when they got in trouble, these men who I perceived as kind people that I could go to with any problem if I needed to, treated them like scum. The unkindnesses I heard about did not track with my own experiences.
I heard about men who were molesting their kids, I heard about servants having affairs with teenage girls, stories about stalkers... I learned about elders who told people that they could never measure up, and they'd never be worthy of holy spirit. I heard my friends describe judicial committees where they felt like the difference between being DF'd or just reproved, was whether they cried hard enough, not whether they were "repentant." (My best friend was blackmailed by her loving father into baptism - something I NEVER would have suspected of him.)
I think one of the things that kept me in for so long is that my dad was a really honorable man. I mean, the standards that he expected of everyone else... he held himself to the same standards, plus. He NEVER looked at another woman (and he had groupies, well they tried anyways, but not one of them ever got close.) If a sister called to talk to him, he would conference call in another brother, or else he would leave his office door open, and let her know that their conversation might not be private. He was by the book in every aspect he could control.
In some ways that made him harsh, but in others, it set the bar very high. Since he never waivered from his ethics, I think I came to expect that everyone else was acting honorably also. Imagine my shock when I started to see that wasn't true. Drunk elders and their drunk wives, cliques, affairs (hetero and homo), those weird wife swaps where two married people have an affair, and then the "wronged" spouses end up hooking up too, and all of the physical abuse! So many people I had no clue were getting beaten regularly and yet still coming to the meetings and giving talks about love and wonderful the JW family unit is. Gag.
Well, now I'm just rambling, but it just seems like the entire organization is one big fun house mirror maze, where you never know exactly what it is you're seeing.
