Need some support

by ~Jen~ 52 Replies latest jw friends

  • worldtraveller

    These conversations remind me of boiler room conversations from credit card, time share companies. Always pressure, always with some lame guilt trip.

    Doesn't happen in our house since the day we got call display. Click on, click off for sales persons. Or simply turn off the ringer and ignore. As I have said before, the only way to "win" with them is to not play the game at all.

    Good luck.

  • willyloman

    I just want to applaud Rose for her successful exit. Nice work!

  • flipper

    I just want to say how proud I am to be a member of this board and see all the unconditional love and caring you all have shown Jen here. I'm honored to know all of you here. None of us would EVER have gotten this type of understanding and care in the witnesses. All of your points are so good, I have nothing to add - just please know Jen that we are here for you , we understand. Hang in there kiddo, Peace out, Mr. Flipper

  • Snoozy

    I would strongly recommend counseling. You need someone to help you realize that everyone's problems are not your fault.

    Counseling can help you handle the "It's all your fault" situation they are putting you in.

    And of course once they see that it affects you they will continue.

    Counseling will help you stand up for yourself and help you to quit feeling so guilty.

    It will also help you know what to say to them when they do start in on you and help you do so in a calm and assertive manner so they will take you seriously.


  • Snoozy

    I also wanted to add that I thought Misguided's post had much wisdom in it!..

    If someone can't shake the guilt feelings and find themselves cowering under the JW accusations and finger pointing.. I again would strongly recommend getting professional help.


  • jwfacts

    Hi Jen, I am sorry to hear of the difficulties you are going through.

    My family were similar with me when I left. They would shun me for months, then they would call and be nice, then they would call and abuse me. They were suffering emotionally as well and hence acting out of character.

    It does get better over time. As you develop new friendships you will spend less time missing the old ones. You will even realise that you are better off without some of your family having too much time and control over your life. Although you miss them you get used the change in relationship. I felt like I went through mourning the death of my family when I was first disfellowshipped, but that helped as after that I was at peace within myself whether they spoke to me or not. My mother gets very upset that I don't show great remorse that she won't associate with me. I have said that she is the one that chooses not to be part of my life so I refuse to let myself get stressed over things I cannot control.

    From your thread it appears your family still hold out hope that you may return. The best thing for my family relationship was that I made it very clear I would never return to what I know is a damaging cult. Over time they have started to let me into their lives as they know shunning me will not bring me back. I cannot guarantee that is the best approach for everyone, as some parents do completely cut of the d/f family members. But my family were loving and so could not bear the idea of never seeing me again.

  • Aeiouy

    Hi Jen,

    I am so sorry about your situation. I speak for all of us here who have family in when I say I know how you feel. It is very difficult.

    Are you seeing a therapist? I have to say, I'm seeing one right now, and that is hands down the best thing I could have done for myself. Mom pretty much told me I ruined her life too. I would recommend finding a therapist to talk to. At your work, do you have EAP, Employee Assistance Program? I do where I work, and I know it's fairly common. I get 5 free 1 hour sessions with my therapist. I highly recommend looking into that. Again, we know what it's like. If you need to talk, I/we are here to help. You will get through this. And you will be better for it.

    I was thinking too, you must be a pretty damn influential person. I never knew one person could ruin the whole lives of so many people......Not. No one has that much power. You are not responsible for how they react. You are not responsible for how they treat you. They are adults, and they make their own choices and react how they want. Nobody, nobody has that much power. There are exceptions to this obviously, i.e. pedophiles, serial killers, etc. You are not in the list of exceptions. And you never will be. Don't believe it for a minute. Do not let them make you believe you ruined their lives. And as far as your children, you're doing them a favor by giving them an option. Hang in there. We're here for you.


  • Aeiouy

    Nelly136 makes a good point too. If you left over doctrine, you would have ruined their life. If you left for smoking, you would have ruined their life. drugs, ruined their life. boredom, ruined their life. See the pattern. Don't let them force you to believe this bs. You are a human being, and have a right to believe and do whatever you damn well please, short of breaking the law. Keep fighting. Life outside is worth it.


  • Quillsky

    I'm going to be extremely unpopular for pointing this out, but I've thought about it and I'm going to say it.

    Jen said....

    When I left my husband - I commited "adultery" because it was the only way I knew how I could get out and not have them suck me back in.

    This doesn't make any sense to me at all. There are two dynamics at play in your unhappiness, your marriage and all the convoluted JW stuff. And I know it's not simple, and the two themes are inter-related....... But to go out and find another man to have sex with in order to end your relationship with the father of your children doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever.

    It was the only way you knew how to leave your relationship, was it? Why not simply leave? That's one way I can think of.

    Is going to another man's house or his motel and having sex with him and then letting your husband find out more sensible than just leaving with your head held high and your panties on?

    So perhaps you couldn't leave for financial or social reasons? Having sex with someone else has zero benefits financially or socially unless there is something else you are leaving out of your grand sob story Jen.

    Sorry, woman, what I'm reading here are EXCUSES for your infidelity rather than REASONS.

    I am tolerant towards infidelity in some circumstances, but not as an EXCUSE for leaving a partner. Own up, woman, to the fact that you have NOT been completely honest when you said "it was the only way I knew how". Pathetic.

    0% support or sympathy from me.

  • Butterflyleia85

    I agree with Quillsky to a degree... Excuses rather then reasons?? She didn't really elabrate on the detials to determine if they were just exuses and really that's her business.

    I take it and give hope... and in light of a thinking that wow.. yeah I made a mistake and my family and ex still like to dangle it over my head where do I turn too! Yeah personally I'm not sure she made the smartest move but when you feel trapped sometime you go to the extreme measures to make a point! A call for help or a sign of I want out!! It defiantly doesn't look good but that is from someone that is looking on the outside of the situation (it's easy to judge when you are a Jehovah Witness but yes even everyone does that even nonJWs).

    She knows who she is on the inside and only she can make the choices for her... the support here is that she can come here and find people who have made mistakes but have moved in a positive direction and that, yes, there is more out there then just what the Jehovah's Witness lead us to believe... that they are the only way to righteousness.

    Alot of Jehovah's Witnesses are in guilt and shame... and to take a extreme messure they have great fear of being judged... they are lost and some don't have anyone to turn to (they realized they gone to far even in the eyes of a nonJW) so when they come here they are cautious not to be looked at as bad but yes they did do bad they admit (knowing that there is forgiveness out there). For most JW she should know that sleeping with another man is wrong and yes it hurts. But how does the family and ex handle it and how much or little abuse is in the situation? How much is she leaving out? Who knows who she is or what she's done? First we start with a welcoming greating, then we pass on the positive and guidance we were recieved and wish the best in everything... God will be the final judge, that's what I beleive anyways.

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