Need some support

by ~Jen~ 52 Replies latest jw friends

  • Champion

    Hang in there. The fact that you can already see that you are a better mom is a great sign. Definitely look for support from some non-jw's. Is your whole family JW's? As far as your children they will far so much better without the negative and repressed lifestyle of JW.s. Always come here for advice or just to vent with people who understand first hand.

    Have a great day..and give your kids some Valentine candy they'll love it!


  • shamus100
    The my ex called this week - on what would have been our 8 year anniversary. He told me what a horrible person I was. How I've ruined so many lives in my quest to be happy. How I've ruined our kids lives and they are going to be screwed up because they now are from not only a split home but with a religiously split house.


    Lots of blaming words from your mom and your ex. Can't you just see the low self-esteem in them just from the way the speak? Don't let blamers get to you.

    The problem with dubbies is they confuse being selfish with selflessness. They want you to be selfless which would draw you into an awful life. Don't believe a word of it. You need to not listen to people that bring you down, and think of your children first, and give them the best life you can outside of the high-control group.

    Toxic family - how to deal with them. Make your conversation only about you. Don't let them get the blame nonsense in, ever. Remember, when you talk with them, your life is wonderful, you're busy, and oh, did you hear that I'm taking dance lessons, skiing, going to the opera (put in your own circumstance)... and when the conversation gets towards them, you have to go because you're so busy because so and so is calling on the other line... etc. Don't ask them what's new - you know what's new. They look for ways to blame you and bring you down. It's what makes them happy. And if you feed them, they will keep calling and bringing you down. Stimulus, response.

    You're worth more than idiot dubbies, just remember that.

  • yknot

    You are not responsible for anyone but yourself and your children......(you are doing a great job!)

    Your mom needs someone/something to blame for her own ill feelings and Ex is just having a hard time adjusting .....(remember most men really don't discern childcare fully until they have to do all alone---than they realize how hard and demanding it can be to be responsible for a child's needs)

    Sounds like you were part of the 'glue' that kept the family going and now like in all divorces they must step up on their own behalf.

    Try and buy out some time for yourself to indulge in something that makes you feel good (ie hot and lazy soak in bath, home manicure, piece of chocolate or watch an non-child friendly movie online tonight ( or

    Remember they are in a cult! Be patient, set boundaries and shovel as much 'love' as you can on family to combat the cult thinking. If possible make a point to visit your dad and re-connect with sibling. Your dad is an Elder and so technically he is 'qualified' to have these 'deep' discussions of losing never know your leaving might have awakened him too!

    As for the Ex-hubby.....tell him to man-up and that if he really wants to rant and rave about divided households than he should take the challenge to see if the troof holds up to historical research of past publications ....than sigh and tell him he too will wake up one day to discern the entirety of the lie he knows as the 'troof'. Until that day comes yall are to focus on the children's needs, he with his indoctrination and you with yours. If he balks remind him that his responses are based on 'feelings and I thinkisms' versus the cold hard black and white facts of the WTS....again dare him to read from Russell to Present to prove you wrong.

    Here are three on Piratebay too....

    Chasson has a very nice collection online as well....

  • nelly136

    uhoh you were happy,

    that is not following the desired route of misery and world crashing down thats preferred when you leave the jws.

    you will now be blamed for everyones mental health/physical health and the neighbours cat at the end of the street getting run over. youre coping with 3 kids holding down a job and this is the first time they've bothered to call in months and to top it off your ex husband has now cottoned on to how well youre coping so hes put in his two pennoth worth.

    its called Emotional Blackmail.

    if theyve suddenly decided to lay it on in huge lumps you can rest assured

    1. youre doing a great job with your kids

    2. youre doing a great job with your life.

    if you were walking round miserable and not coping then they wouldnt need to try so hard to piss in your cornflakes.

    as for the split religion issue with the kids.....theyre the ones focusing on that so thats probably where any issues will arise...them.

    maybe your kids are looking too happy to them too eh?

  • nancy drew
    nancy drew

    jen you left that situation for a good reason if you return you'll remember why you left you need to protect yourself and your children. I'm sorry its so hard and heart breaking their under the control of the wtbs and are not seeing straight. limit your time with them their shooting at you right now and the best thing to do is duck and shield your children. stay strong we are all on your side.

  • ~Jen~

    Thank you SO much!! All your kind words are so helpful.

    When I left my husband - I commited "adultery" because it was the only way I knew how I could get out and not have them suck me back in. I guess I'm having issues with this as well since it's all THEY can see. They see me leaving my husband for some other guy, then that relationship not working out and figuring that I had just snapped and will come crawling back. None of them want to or can understand that I just simply wanted to leave and I did what I did TO get out.

    So along with the JW stuff, I have my EX saying how nobody ever deserved what I did to him, etc. so he can say to himself that our marriage fell apart BECAUSE I left for another guy instead of realizing there were issues in the marriage

  • shamus100


    With highly emotional issues like you are having, consider writing a letter to your parents stating why you did what you did, explain your boundaries to them, and if they cannot abide by them then you will choose to keep the relationship with them estranged.

    Remember: You had no control for many years. Always keep control and boundaries.

    Think about what you need to get happy, and the steps you need to go through to get to your goal. Write them down, and do it. Move forward, and if people can't accept that, then end the relationship.

    Your whole life is ahead of you - these people will bring you and your life down for as long as they are alive if you let them.

  • nugget

    Jen, remember just because people say bad things about you it does not automatically make them true. Your ex husband is dealing with the issue that you left him for someone else, so he is going to be emotionally bruised and unreasonable. He wants you to be a bad person because then the reason you were unhappy is your fault alone.

    You share custody of the children and have ample opportunities to show them what a good, supportive mother you can be. You have a chance to be a force for good in your childrens lives and make sure that they are aware of all the opportunites they have to have good happy lives and not make some of the mistakes you did. At the end of it all it is how the children view you that matters rather than your ex's opinion.

    It is only a few months since you made this major change in your life and this is really a relatively short period of time. Things will be rough for a while but they will get better. People need time to vent. Also if your parents have been controlling before then there is no reason to suppose they will change now. Their behaviour is true to form. If calls deteriorate then don't stay on the telephone. Just say "I can appreciate that this is hard for you but I am sorry that I can't discuss things with you when you are this emotional , so I'm putting the phone down now. "

    You don't have to be their whipping boy. There were probably more elegant ways to leave the organisation but the route you chose was swift and definite. It was always going to be messy but you need to focus on rebuilding a stable life for your children rather than the damage done. If you can move past it then after a while your ex will have to as well. Try to remain adult in all your conversations with him and as stated before don't let calls degenerate.

    Best of luck.

  • AllTimeJeff

    You aren't the first one who slept with someone else because that was the best way they knew at the time to end a sham JW marriage. As long as you know why you did it, that is most important. Otherwise, I like the idea of a letter if you do it for your peace of mind. Don't do it to justify your actions though. You have nothing to be defensive about. Remember too that they are trained to react, not to think. They are indoctrinated, which is why any attempts at explanation or defense are futile.

    I know this might sound trite, but the best way to get through to them is your happiness and healthy living. It is the one weakness of the GB argument about those that leave. They insist we are evil and unhappy. So be good, positive, and happy. That will ultimately show them. And it will be the best thing for your kids to see.

  • Michelle365

    Hi Jen! I could have unfortunately written a very similar post. I don't have the issues with my Mother, but what your ex said to you is exactly what mine says to me all the time.

    I have 2 girls and we split custody 50/50 and I also work full time. I left just after our 9 year anniversary. It's been just over 3 years since I left my husband and the JWs. You said: He told me what a horrible person I was. How I've ruined so many lives in my quest to be happy. How I've ruined our kids lives and they are going to be screwed up because they now are from not only a split home but with a religiously split house. He asked me if I felt like a horrible person because I should - and if I don't feel that way then I am a disgusting human being.

    You don't know how MANY times my ex has said this to me. Over and over and over. He denies all the issues in our marriage and acts like I just woke up one day and decided to be "worldly". It's asinine. I don't know what your schedule is like and if you allow the kids to go to all the meetings with him or if you intend to celebrate any holidays. IMO, it will only get worse the more you try to teach them to be "normal". It doesn't sound like your ex would be okay with that.

    I still have my family but they are all out of state and I only have 1 local friend. It's so hard to get everything done on my own all the time. I feel like I have to be on top of *everything* everytime something JWish comes up. I have to constantly combat the brainwashing it is of upmost importance to me as I have been disassociated by the congregation. I can't have the kids get baptized and potentially cut me off.

    I'm going through all of this and it's HARD and I'd love to talk more. Feel free to PM me anytime. I need all the support I can get as well.

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