Need some support

by ~Jen~ 52 Replies latest jw friends

  • ~Jen~

    I don't post very often but I'm in need of some support.

    I left my husband and the JW's back in the summer. We have 3 kids and have joint custody of them.

    I've spoken to my family once - back in the fall and it was a great conversation - my parents (dad is an elder) said that they just wanted me to be happy however that is.

    Last week I got a voicemail from my mom saying that she loved me and thought about me every day. I was so happy. Then she called later in the day and we talked for a bit. The whole conversation was basically how I ruined my family, how my dad's health has gone downhill and he's depressed and sad - not the same person, my little brother has isses. She didn't say one positive thing. She said she hoped that I could get on my feet and come back so I can be happy and so they could help me. I told her that I was the happiest I've been in years and she actually got upset. She also impied that my kids are going to be messed up and not happy because they have a dad that's a JW and a mom that's not

    The my ex called this week - on what would have been our 8 year anniversary. He told me what a horrible person I was. How I've ruined so many lives in my quest to be happy. How I've ruined our kids lives and they are going to be screwed up because they now are from not only a split home but with a religiously split house. He asked me if I felt like a horrible person because I should - and if I don't feel that way then I am a disgusting human being.

    I feel like I'm having a complete emotional breakdown. Here I am - alone, have my kids half the week and am working full time. Trying so hard to be a good mom - and I AM so much of a better mom.

    Then I have the only people I've ever known who now hate me and think I'm a disgusting "wordly" person. Nothing I ever do can be right in their eyes, no matter how good of a person I am or how good of a mother I am.

    SO Frustrating - does it get better?

  • AllTimeJeff

    If you are depending on your family with the expectation that they will accept you and as a result, you will be happy, then its possible that will not change.

    I have the same issues with some in my family. I am here for them, but if they are going to accept the indoctrination over their family, I am not going to chase them around. It's bad for your mental health to do so.

    It does get better, but the fact is, family, esp where kids are concerned, along with JW relatives, will always cause upset. Set good boundaries for yourself. You are allowed to do whats best for you as well.....

    Wishing you the best!

  • leavingwt

    I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

  • ~Jen~

    Thank you.

    I do need to set boundries. I think I let them stomp all over me because THEY feel like I deserve it. They feel that because of me leaving they have a right to say whatever they want and I just HAVE to sit there and take it. I need to get out of that mindset and just hang up the phone.

  • snowbird


    You're going to be alright!


  • lepermessiah

    Hang in there Jen!

    She said she hoped that I could get on my feet and come back so I can be happy and so they could help me.

    Thats the danger with how JW's see things - You are "on your feet" - perhaps for the first time in your life.

    Having seen this before - like ATJ said, set boundaries and be clear in your mind what YOUR needs are.

  • VIII

    Oh, my, I am so sorry you have to hear that. Especially from your Mom who should be there for you.

    You have to remember, they are brainwashed and in a cult. They are trying to get you and your children back into the cult. Please be strong for your children, I am sure your children and going through a hard time.

    When my parents spilt, I wanted so bad to go with my Dad, he was the one who left the JWs and we got stuck with our JW Mom. I couldn't imagine a more terrible fate than being stuck with a JW parent. As long as your children know that you love them and they don't have to be JWs, I am sure that they will see that there is light. As long as you don't diss their dad either. Try to let them have outside friends so they also see that Worldly people are not evil etc.

    As for you EX: When he starts, I would tell him you are going to record what he says to play back to the Judge so you can have full custody. Or, just do it and then tell him you did. Call your attorney and ask what the rules are in your state. Don't let him browbeat you this way. You are not a bad person. You left a CULT. It is not a religion.

    Also, get Steve Hassan's book--Combatting Cult Mind Control. He also has a web site which is very good. Type his name in and you'll find all kinds of info and helpful stuff.

    If you haven't, try to find counseling in your area. It is also helpful. Family counseling for you and your kids could be long term help, you and they will appreciate down the road.

    I wish your Mom was a better Mother. However, the Cult has it's tentacles in very tightly.

    Hugs, VIII

  • zoiks

    Hang in there Jen! Things do get better with time. I agree with those who say that you must set boundaries. There is no excuse for verbal abuse and browbeating.

    I wish you all the best.

  • HappyGuy


    Think about this a little bit. JWs claim to know the "truth" about life, the Universe and everything. They claim to be God's mouthpiece and ambassadors for the sovereign ruler of the Universe. They claim to have put on "the personality of the Christ". They claim to have the hope of attaining everlasting life in a paradise. They claim to have a special relationship with God.

    Then how could one person falling away impact their happiness?

    You are not responsible for the happiness of other people (except maybe small children), they are saying these things in an attempt to use emotional blackmail to make you do what they want.

    Jesus never behaved this way (according to the New Testament).

    People who are loving do not behave this way. The next time they try this emotional blackmail stuff on you I would ask them how does their behavior conform to putting on the new personality (the personality of the Christ).

  • willyloman

    Never apologize for leaving a toxic relationship. You owed yourself, and your kids, the kind of courage it took to leave. You occupy the moral high ground here, having done the right thing. They can't take that away from you. From now forward, your life will continue to get better and happier. Theirs will continue to get worse as the frustration over expectations postponed continues to grow.

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