I can't take this pain anymore...my life at dead end

by JustHuman14 71 Replies latest jw experiences

  • JustHuman14

    My life has reached to a dead end...I'm stuck and there is no way out. I was inactive for 6 years and I'm disfellowshiped for the past 3. I would never think that my life would have been in this terrible mess.

    I wasn't planned to be disfellowshiped by my "wife" turned me in to the elders for apostasy 2 times!!! The last time I didn't care at all about their lousy Org and wrote a 3 page letter asking answers for major issues that WT would never answer: 607 B.C was the major and few inconsistencies of their teachings. Well they didn't answer. They judicial committee told me that I must accept what is the current light by the Org without questions. So I told them I do not accept your answer, they said this is our doctrine, either you accept it or you do not. So I said I don't.

    After I had to leave home since there was a great turmoil between me and my wife. I was accused for been proud (usual staff) arrogant, I was misleaded by "apostates". I was living alone for 2 years. Then my "wife" told me to go back, since our 2 small kids wanted me.

    So I’m back to home, but my life is really bad. My ‘wife’ she has frequent parties at home, inviting JW’s and I’m asked not be present at home when the ‘brothers and sisters’ are at my home. Plus lately many congregations are going on excursions in order to have close relations among the “brotherhood”.

    Most of the times, I’m late to go home, feeling like a stranger. When we start talking a subject then it ends to a quarrel, accusing me of being proud and arrogant because I left the Organization and I don’t care for others except myself.

    I don’t talk regarding WT’s doctrines with her since there is no need to, she has a blocked mind. Few days she told me that to be with me is hard for her, since we can’t go anyplace together (meetings, assemblies, excursions, parties, weddings) and I’m responsible for this bad situation she is. I told her that is ‘not my fault if some religious leaders mistranslate the Bible text in order to fit their theology. Is not my fault because they are unable to show love and FORGIVENESS. Jesus shows love to everyone, He even talked to the Scribes and Pharisees and He knew that they would kill Him. Is the GB above Jesus? Your situation is not because of me, is because YOU wish to follow false prophets who have nothing to do with the Bible and most of all Christian like qualities’…

    I just don’t know what to do anymore. If I say something to my kids, like God is love and loves us all and He will not kill anyone, she gets angry because I’m ‘brainwashing’ my children!!! Living in a house without love kills me. My concern is the children and I do not wish to leave again the house. On the other hand we are just like 2 strangers living in the same house.

    Emotionally I’m down. I have depression and most of the times feel bad. I don’t feel like going back. I HATE WT. I hate them because they ruined my life, stolen way my best years of my life, my child hood, my pride, my personality, ALL of what makes us humans. I have suffered due to their neutrality issue, that time they did not accept alternative service, something that they did few years after. In my country it is important to finish the Army, since Government, Banks, major companies ask for the army service confirmation, in order to hire you.

    I just wanted to have a normal life like most of the people. Leaving WT turns your life into nightmare. My crime: I don’t believe that the WT is the true religion on earth…Why do I have to suffer like that? A destroyed marriage, I wasn’t allowed to attend to my child’s wedding, my best friend she killed her self due to psychological problems of an abusive father. Why all this suffering?

    When I know that my friends, relatives( JW’s) they will not speak to me and treat me like dead? When I know in order to love me, their love is with conditions. If they have the legal right to stone me they would have done it, that’s for sure!!! Few weeks ago I attend to a class reunion. My “worldly” friends that I haven’t seen for 2 decades they were happy to see me, they ask for me phone and email. I walked away for a few minutes from the dinner since I couldn’t hold my tears. With those people we were together some 3 and some 6 years and they seemed to be so happy to see me there. They never cared if I was a JW. They loved me for what I’m a crazy guy with jokes that makes them laugh. I felt a human for the first time after many years. I went back finish my dinner and dance with them until the early morning. At that night I felt just human again. What scared me most is that I felt a strange connection between my self and a classmate. We dance all night, all those great 80’s hits. She was still beautiful after all those years with long brown hair touching her shoulders. I drove back to my old house and couldn’t sleep that night, thinking of her and how my life would have been different if I had a normal life like anyone else.

    I just don’t know where this road will lead me. I feel so trapped in the WT world. I have chosen not to be part of their fantasy anymore. I couldn’t stand their lies, hypocrisy and self righteousness. I wanted to start my life again. I tried to help my wife but it didn’t workout. For her WT is a GOD and loves WT more than me, I guess that is why she couldn’t even wait until the wedding of our first child and she turned me in for apostasy, knowing that I would not change my mind of what WT stands for.

    There is no way out. On the one side I want to start a new life, living like a normal human being and on the other hand I feel I must stay next to my children that I love dearly, suppressing all of my feelings and straggle against the brainwashing my wife and WT are doing to them, I don’t know if I should stay or leave since living in the same house with my wife I’m not allowed to talk to them about the real Jesus. I’m trying to find balance in my life but I’m so far from finding that balance. I feel trapped, unhappy. I wake up with pain in my soul, I go to sleep with more pain in my soul and my dreams are foul with pain. Pain has become my best friend. In our Hellenic mythology it was person named Sisyphus, who rejected God’s. As a result Zeus punishes him to push a huge round bolder over a mountain. When he reached at the top, the bolder rolled down again and Sisyphus starts all over again.

    This is how I feel, and like Roger Waters says “I got a strong urge to fly but I got no were to flight to….”

  • Quirky1

    Justhuman, Being married to a devout JW is a difficult thing since I'm in the same boat. I and others here I'm sure feel the same as you do and would like to have a fresh start but it is difficult. I have no real advice to offer you other than my support. Quirky

  • homeschool

    I hate that you are going through this. You're in my thoughts....

  • Meeting Junkie No More
    Meeting Junkie No More

    Just Human:

    That was very painful reading. First off, let me say that I deeply empathize with your predicament.

    Something someone said to me once was: "Today is the FIRST DAY of the REST of your life".

    So for what my 2c is worth: If your Employee Assistance Program provides for it, it might be well worth it to go for counselling. While this forum is indeed helpful, finding a good counsellor that you can really unload this stuff to, works wonders. From there, you may see your way clear to make changes in your life, that might ultimately benefit your children, even if you are not physically living in the same abode as your wife.

    Remember, you do not need to continue to be held hostage by this religion. I don't know the dynamics between you and your wife, but if she senses your pain, in true JW fashion, she may be inflicting more of it on you in order to 'punish' you for your perceived apostasy. Don't give her the satisfaction. No one needs to continue to be subjected to ongoing pain in their own household. Just my 2c.

    Wishing you all the best,

  • rebel8

    There IS a way out. (( ))

    Please get help for your depression if you're not already doing so.

  • LouBelle

    Hey ya justhuman: You do find yourself in a terrible situation. Remember that you the childrens' father and you can tell them about Jesus and that he loves all of us - your wife needs to respect your belief as you do hers and you need to tell her that.

    You need to speak to her as lovingly and calmly as possible and tell her that though you don't want to be a JW you still want your family life to work and that as a family you should start doing more things together.

    I truly wish you all the best. Please get help for your depression - sometimes speaking to someone may help...even if it's to just get it out of your system. We are here to support you.

  • mindmelda

    Even though you are disfellowshipped and don't believe what the WTS puts out there, they're still running your life.

    You're entitled to a life as much as your wife and family. She has her friends over, why can't you have friends over? She has her interests, why can't you?

    I find the Witnesses to be real bullies about these things and they justify it because they believe God approves of them and no one else. Just because you believe you are right about everything doesn't justify being obnoxious about it. That is not displaying the spiritual fruitage of mildness, kindness or goodness.

    I find it ironic that you're accused of arrogance. Do they really know what that word means?

    Arrogance is defined as exaggerating one's importance or worth in a overbearing manner.

    It has nothing in it's definition about what or who is right or wrong, it just describes obnoxious, self important behavior.

    Maybe getting off of this debate between you about who is right or wrong would ease things. Just agree not to be obnoxious to each other.

  • gabriella

    I am so sorry for what you are going through- it reminds me alot of my parent's situation. My dad was done with the JW's and wanted to start a new life and mom would say that he was an 'apostate' and brainwashing us ect. He finally got frustrated and layed it on the line. He said that he would go to an occasional meeting if she would share some of his interests with him (mostly fishing, camping, ect). Her reply was that it would take her time away from spiritual things- so they got divorced. It was confusing for us as kids because we felt torn between what we had been told was right and wrong. I realize now as an adult how much courage it takes to start a new life and how important free will is. I have a good relationship with both parents today, but probably a more open one with my dad just because he speaks his mind and his advice isn't based on what he has been taught from the platform. I guess what I am trying to say is that it would be hard on your kids, but in the long run they may come to understand why you did what you did. It took alot of time, healing, and communication to get to that point, though. Whatever you decide, I wish you and your family all the best.

  • Pistoff

    TAKE your life back; if you can do it, MOVE OUT.

    Your children won't be benefited if you are not around at all to help them, and you need to take care of YOU right now.

    Find a support group, even a 12 step group to just talk out your problems, keep talking here too.

    I worry that you are subconsciously buying into the toxic treatment your wife and the WT is spewing. You are OK; you will be OK. They are trapped right now, and you may not be able to change it soon, if ever.

    Please take care of YOU, then you can worry about your children; your children will be OK, they are tough; better you are honest with them if you can about where you are at than to go along with the harmful lies they hear on a regular basis.

  • mouthy

    I too was so sorry to read your story...No one can tell you WHAT to do.
    I can understand you dont want to leave your kids. The Organization causes
    so many divided lives... As Granny on the board this is all I can do for you.
    " Dear Heavenly Father ,Creator of the Heavens & earth.you KNOW this mans heart,
    you KNOW the hate the Organization of the Jehovahs Witnesses teach,I am asking
    you to guide ,lead, direct this man in his quandry,to give up his children is torture,thatthe WT KNOWs will be difficult ----- I ask that you soften his wife heart,PLEASE open
    her heart & mind to allow YOUR presence to enter & LOVE goes with it .
    I ask this in the name above ALL others ,,, Jesus Chriist..... Amen"

Share this