I can't take this pain anymore...my life at dead end

by JustHuman14 71 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  BluesBrother

  Hi Justhuman ...like many others I can also relate to what you say. My wife is also a closed minded dub and I find that discussions only lead to arguments. When they cannot persuade by psuodo scriptural bullet points and fallacious reasoning, they fall back onto insults and name calling.That is women for you ! (with apologies to my female friends on this board )....Some points I thought of.

  1] Do Not take the insults to heart...it just the product of frustration.

  2] Remember that is she who chose to report your lack of faith . If she had kept quiet (as mine has the savvy to do) you would still have freeness to be a family.

  3] It is hard and nobody can tell you exactly what you shoud do, every case is different. But please seek help for depression . A restored mind can allow you to see clearly what to do.

  4] Hang on on in there mate , and keep posting..At least we understand what you are going throgh.
• 

  snowbird

  they fall back onto insults and name calling.That is women for you ! (with apologies to my female friends on this board )...

  No apology needed.

  Sylvia
• 

  warmasasunned

  the only advice i offer is from experince, it sounds to me that you are to nice, far more spiritual than the people you are dealing with. when i was in a similiar situation to yourself my x was running rings round me, i was always trying to please, always trying to meet more than half way, and she would just run me down. i got very depressed, wasted, then i realised she was winning and i was starting to look bad in my own eyes and friends and family, my child was worried about me,all this shook me up. i started to stand up for myself, started to say what i would do and what i wouldnt, got a hobbie. i learnt to put things in boxes and leave them there, if she was kicking off, saying you can`t do this, you can`t do that, i would respectfully (never lose your temper) state my case, and not back down. eventually and after much effort they get the message that no matter how often they press those buttons, it won`t work. also your kids will respect your strength, they know right and wrong, if you are fair and respect your wife as i`m sure you do, your kids will see that, and one day they will tell you.

  you have along road a head, but decide today, right now, i`m going to be strong for myself and my kids. all the best and all the love in the world to you.

  p.s i have a great realationship with my child.
• 

  WuzLovesDubs

  JustHuman...my friend...I see very clearly that "you" are disappearing. You have lost your sense of self and in this state of mind are no good to your children or yourself. I was a JW the first 10 years of my marriage to a JW and when I disassociated in 97 because I didnt believe ANY of it any more...he stayed in, and the games began. But I had three small children and I was NOT going to allow this cult to turn them into little haters of all things and people non JW!! Was NOT GOING TO ALLOW IT. And we struggled against each other, him dragging them to meetings and me teaching them basically the opposite of what they were hearing when they were at home. But he was NOT going to strip me of my right to believe what I WANTED to believe and he was NOT going to interfere with my right to teach MY KIDS what I believed! Your wife is plowing over you mdear and you are ALLOWING her to. If someone told me to leave my own house because they were inviting someone over there that found my company offensive...my reply would be f-k you and the horse you rode in on this is MY HOUSE and NO ONE disrespects me in MY HOUSE!! Oh HELL NO!!

  The more you allow her to do this the more depressed you will become, the less good you will be to your children on any level dad. I dont know how old your kids are or if they are baptized or how deeply entrenched they are in JW mythology...but if you are just sitting there letting her tell you what you can and cannot do and can and cannot say to your own kids then they are probably just assuming mom must be RIGHT since dad is caving. Dad is living up to all the JW urban legends about what happens to people when they "leave Jehovah" then they go "Look! Look how sad and pathetic your father is because Jehovahs love is removed from him! Look kids! See what happens when you leave Jehovahs loving organization?" DONT BE THEIR CASE STUDY!!

  Get PISSED OFF!! Take CONTROL OF YOUR HOUSE! When she tells you to do or not do something remind her that neither SHE nor her ELDERS have any control over what you DO with YOUR LIFE and if she has a problem with your parenting then she can leave. But those are YOUR kids and she doesnt have the right to keep you from them or disallow you to tell them ANYTHING. Got it??? I know you do.

  The best revenge baby is to live a GOOD LIFE! Invite your friends over. Take the high moral ground and invite her to JOIN YOU while you entertain. If she refuses to be around "worldly people" she is the one who will look bad not you. Make sure your kids are at the party and do NOT allow her to take them out of the home. Unless of course we are talking about young adults here who go where they want to.

  Medication may help you cope in the meantime...find a counselor and not a girlfriend to confide in. Dont start a new life with someone outside the marriage until you have concluded this one or that will make matters worse.

  I know you can do this...we have ALL had to deal with this cult and to cow tow to them or back down or allow them to beat us down...only fuels their self righteous fires.

  hugs and support, LD
• 

  Scarred for life

  Justhuman:

  I'm glad you're on the board and posting. Keep reading and posting. We are here for you.

  You are in a difficult situation. Nobody here can tell you exactly what to do but you have gotten some great advice. Find what is right for you.

  Please find a counselor to go to about your depression. This would be a great first step in my opinion. You have every right to take steps in your life where you will be happy. This will be a great model for your children also.

  I have 2 cousins that were raised in a family where the mother was a JW and the father was not. In my opinion they turned out the best of any cousins in the family because they had a dad that freely shared his own thoughts and beliefs about what the JWs were teaching. You can do the same with your young children. Be honest with them. They will thank you for it when they are older.

  Lady Lee has given you great advice. Post again.
• 

  truthlover

  I am a little confused at what your wife is doing... yes, you have stopped the meetings, etc... but you are still her husband, deserving of some respect, working to keep a roof over her and the kids heads...

  You are projecting yourself as a humble, concerned husband-- what is making her react like this when the BIBLE says she is to respect her husband and if he is a non believer, her loving concern will win him over.. on the other hand, your attitude may win her over - time is needed to do that..set the example ...

  now I know you were once in the truth, but if you havent committed adultery, not into porn, or drugs, a drunkard, etc... then she is a lucky gal.. and she should learn to "get along" with you in order that the kids are not showing fear in this toxic environment-- they feel stress, they feel they are the problem and blame themselves that their parents dont get along... PLEASE dont argue or retailiate in front of them. You are going through your problem, but so are the children...she has to be told this too..it isnt all your fault!

  One of the posters mentioned do more things with the children - movies, parks, zoo, museums, a picnic -- they will get excited and tell mommy how good a time they are having and little by little, she will come too.... eventually she will come around if she can start to use her own mind.. if not, by then you will know what to do..

  Hang in there

  TL
• 

  flipper

  JUST HUMAN- I'm so sorry you are being maligned my friend. I went through that with a former wife, a JW who I was married to for 19 years ! I feel Lady Lee gave you some excellent advice among many others here as well. All I can say being a father of 3 adult children in their early 20's now - is that if the love between you and your wife is dead stop beating yourself up over it. Your children's relationship with you is the prime thing at this point and with your wife constantly manipulating your children's view of you because you are not a witness anymore it's a bad thing. Your wife will take that power and control of your children if you give it to her and don't fight for the rights of your children.

  What are the laws in your country about child custody ? Do the courts give you half time with your children like here in the states ? As some have said - It is not a good scene for your children to live in a household where they see dissension and division between parents pulling in opposite directions. If I was in your situation if you have a steady job and are able to provide for your children I would consult an attorney to see what your rights are in regards to raising your children on your own - perhaps joint custody with your wife. It's better for the children and you not to be living in constant turmoil. That's not positive for anybody involved . Just my take- from one who has been there, done that. Hang in there, Peace out, Mr. Fl;ipper
• 

  Narkissos

  Sorry to hear about that Justhuman.

  No advice to add though. I believe "who/what you are" and "what you (should/will) do" are intimately related -- as the ironical juxtaposition of the Delphi oracle and motto (gnôthi seauton) suggests -- perhaps two sides of the same question actually. We may struggle anxiously for years with either one, but they ultimately come to light together. I wish the Apollinian sun wakes you up some day to see both clearly and lightly, and that makes sense not only of "the rest of your life" but also of everything you have been through to that day.

  Tharsei adelphe.
• 

  compound complex

  Justhuman:

  You are in my thoughts ... I understand the situation so well.

  CoCo
• 

  yknot

  I am so sorry that such sorrow is hovering over your home!

  I wish yall could come to a compromise, sometimes you have to give a little to get things back on track!

  Tell her you love her and pull out scriptures (and WTS pubs if needed) about UBMs and the value of a loving marriage, benefits of a two parent home and the value of both mother and father. Pull out the ones about being a submissive wife and ask her to mediate on the matter. Remind her you are not asking her to leave her religion but only to be patient, mild, meek and a good wife. I hate to suggest it but perhaps use it as 'bait'.......... one of those I saved my hubby and he came back to the Borg things. She is an addict and cold-turkey isn't the only way to wean. Small steps and probably over years.

  You have got to get control of your emotions and stop hating and let God's love be the only thing that guides you. Put the WTS into his hands and let him handle things. In the meantime you are going to have to resume your 'headship' if not things are going to get worse. Do you openly pray? Do you pray at your family meals? Are you taking the children to your church EOW? (Because if things get worse you will want an established routine you can hold up in court to show you are a devoted Papa) Have you invited your wife to church and continue to invite her despite her protests. Do you speak to your children about Bible things regularly each day before they retire? Do you arrange for family outings. ...... you just gotta just start taking a lead. .........

  Do not ever let someone tell you you are not welcomed in your own home! Do not let anyone shun you in your own home, that level of disrespect is unacceptable and they can leave until they properly apologize. Do however be socialable and invite your wife's gang over for a BBQ along with some of your church buddies ...... do have a date night with both sets of friends. Force normalcy on them!

  I assume sex isn't happening either. Sex shouldn't be used as a band-aid but at the same time it is pretty central to a healthy marriage.

  Why not get the grandparents to watch the little ones and yall sit down and 'negotiate' the navigation of yall's lives for the next 6 months. Bring up compromise, sex, and biblical marriage stuff. Take things head on but don't let her get away with namby-pamby hem hawing that JWs typically do and challenge her to actually live by the scriptures (and WT pubs) she so believes in ......... because it will make her happier, God wants her to obey his instructions in the Bible. If she still protests hold up the NWT and a pub and ask which has final authority?

  Keep on your personal path of devotion...... God doesn't want you to lose your family but he also doesn't want her WTS ways controling it either!

  Show her strength, self-control, love and desire for a healthy non-argumentive marriage.....tell you remember the way she use to be toward you and you miss her very much. Compliment and flirt with her...... just sit smiling at her sometimes with eyes of loving adoration.

  She is in a cult. Getting mad, depressed and losing control only reinforces her cult training that your condition is due to your being away from the WTS.

  You must show the fruitage of Christ in your life. Read your gospels and apply his wise and patient counsel!

  Praying for you and yours (take them kiddies to church!)

  HUGS