Ask Happy Homemaker!

by compound complex 337 Replies latest jw friends

  • compound complex
    compound complex

    Dear Happy Homemaker:

    Sorry to break in on your rhapsodizing over a whiter shade of pale, but I have reason to believe my inquiry is urgent.

    I've just returned from our local market, and I never go in with a list because I'm a living-on-the-edge kind of guy. Spontaneity is key with me. Anyway, I was walking down the detergent and household products aisle when a customer burst out, "Oh, I need laundry detergent!" Her opportune declaration reminded me that I had forgotten to inscribe said product for my own usage upon my mental shopping list. Though her words were not directed to me personally, I made a special point to thank her for remembering what she had almost forgotten, which, in turn, was a reminder for me.

    I proceeded to the checkout kiosk and a lady of totally different stripe saw my basket and proclaimed in words identical to those of the aforementioned woman, "Oh, I need laundry detergent!"

    I am not a religious person, but I wonder if some higher force is at work here ...

    I await your answer,

    Herbert Kenmore

  • compound complex
    compound complex

    Dear Herbert:

    When prayer ceases so do coincidences.

    I firmly believe that the encounter you have so fluidly described is, in fact, a wake-up call to you - perhaps one not wished for nor anticipated - but, nevertheless, viable and well worth your paying heed, ergo, that cleanliness is next to godliness.

    If, however, all three of you ended up buying the same brand of detergent, I would classify today's foray into clean socks and sheets as a bonafide washday miracle.

    My suggestion to you is that you either get religion or ask one of your fellow washaholics out on a date. Many happy relationships have begun in a market ...

    Hope this helps!

    Sassy Stuart

  • nancy drew
    nancy drew

    Dear shabby Abby,

    MY house is so boring. Whenever I walk in the front door I am immediately struck by the lack of color coordination burgundy, yellow, orange blue what should I do? My friend Martha thinks all I need are fancy placemats but something tells me that wouldn't be enough. My head is spinning what do i need. My neighbor collects hummels she has a whole wall devoted to them but to tell you the truth they look silly. I hate figurines. Let me know if you have any suggestions I'm all ears.

    Your fan


  • compound complex
    compound complex

    Dear Misty Allears:

    Sassy Stuart is currently filling in for his professional associate, Shabby Abby, who is on assignment in Beirut, scouring bazaars for whatnots, bibelots, knick-knacks, Byzantine brass and camel-trodden silk rugs.

    The colors you list are, in themselves, or in dual combination, viable and pleasing, possessing the happy means to transport the ailing and wounded soul of man, beast, woman to levels of hued ecstasy. What you have on your walled palate, however, is a recipe for visual and spiritual heartburn. You realize - it is fortunate for your restoration to domestic tranquility that you appear an aware person - that a change is required, be it drastic, be it moderate. Martha is (from the superfluity of detail you employ to describe her personality and your long years of friendship with her) well-intentioned but out of the loop regarding proper usage of fancy placemats; however, Sassy Stuart is not heavily into character assassination so will let this aspect of our dialogue dissipate into the ether.


    Make a tentative choice as to which color you should wish to retain. Let us say, for example, it is that of the fermented and delectable fruit of the vine: burgundy. Acquire white, king size flat percale bed sheets and, with push pins at the ready (heaven's sakes, not in your mouth!) and a scalable ladder, tack the sheets where wall meets ceiling and allow them to cascade to the floor and puddle at floor's base. As a matter of fact, it is permissible to utilize this method of camouflage wherever your walls scream "I'm disgusting, don't look at me!"

    To be continued ...

  • compound complex
    compound complex

    As regards knick-knacks, certainly, an indiscriminate juxtaposing of earth-toned, stocky Hummels against the delicate tracery of Belleek is less an unforgivable crime by kindly hearted vulgarians as it is a simple matter of bad breeding. It is best to wipe the slate clean, as it were: i.e., clear the shelves totally. Dust them, polish them (if grained, natural wood) and allow said horizontal surfaces to remain cleared and never again cluttered by the uneducated hand of random ostentation.

    After a reasonable passage of time (this to allow the shelves to breathe in the austerity of linear and spatial abandonment), you, the decorator, will have had sufficient time to decide upon a plan of judicious and tasteful repopulating of the surfaces. One piece at a time, one piece at a time ...

    What separates man from beast is his ability to accessorize.


  • snowbird


    I cleaned my indoor shutters with Murphy's Oil Soap on yesterday.

    Did I do good?


  • compound complex
    compound complex

    Dear Sylvia:

    Sassy Stuart is unable to attend to all correspondence at this time; he is currently in the Pacific Northwest dealing with a bad case of mold. Nevertheless, your declaration of attention paid your shutters will not escape his notice. He approves wholeheartly of the proper (though not willy-nilly) use of MOS.

    We, the staff of Ask Happy Homemaker, thank you for your interest and wish you many happy lathering days ahead.

    Mitchell Aubergine, staff dweeb

  • mrsjones5

    Hubby cleaned the carpet last night. Not so sure he should have done it, he just got up, but baby boy spilled a drink and hubby couldn't help himself.

  • snowbird


    I promise not to be too liberal in my use of the stuff.

    It only takes a smidgen to get the job done, anyway.



    PS: Here's hoping Sassy will get that fungus firmly under control.

  • compound complex
    compound complex

    Dear Mrs. Jones:

    Though one is rightfully in a state of panic when winter wheat berber is flooded with untoward emissions, be they from babes in arms or beloved but unrestrained pets, it is best to display self-discipline and await the arrival of trained specialists. If, however, we are dealing with 20-year-old red shag, go for it with hose and bucket and rags. If your child's drink was reddish in color, let's hope your carpet IS red shag! !

    BTW, clear rubbing alcohol - or plain old H2O - and a cloth the color of the carpet is a good bet for touch ups (test in an inconspicuous place). Eschew over-the-counter cleaners.

    Thank you for the aftermath report.

    Mitchell Aubergine, staff dweeb

Share this