Are single-never-married heterosexual males approaching their forties...

by DanTheMan 83 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  SnakesInTheTower

  dan the man:

  ...Losers? Discuss.

  Women are the most pathetically self-deluded creatures on Gawd's green earth.

  based on the topic and these 2 statements, especially the last one, I am wondering why you are asking this question. (That second statement alone dooms YOU to a very lonely life IMO) Why would being a 40 year old never married heterosexual male make a man a loser? just because he has not gotten married?.. I am over 40, never been married, definitely like and am attracted to women not men..... Does that make me a loser? I dont think so.

  Look, if I wanted to be married, I could have gotten married in 2006 after my ex-fiancee broke off our engagement in a very sudden change of heart (claims it was not me it was her....yeah ok, whatever...lol). When I got back from my trip to where she lived, there was a sister in my congo who, upon hearing I was suddenly back on the market, started stalking me. I could easily have taken advantage of her lonliness...but she was psycho (I dont say this out of meanness...she really was in psych ward for a week or two...and got into some trouble there which I was a member of her JC).... or there was another sister, has a good job, makes good money, 2 kids..... definitely was interested...told someone that I wouldnt have to work if I married her, I could just pioneer and be an elder and a dad to her kids..... yeah... did I mention that she didnt take care of herself and was well over 350 pounds? (not that I dislike overweight people, I just am not going to marry someone who doesnt take care of themselves physically....my dad died too young for that very reason)....and did I mention that she also got in hot water for "extracurricular activities" in which I was chairman of her JC? So I know I could have gotten in either of their pants if I wanted to...them girls were horny.

  I even had a shot at a sister who was a) gainfully employed b) pretty c) taking steps to take better care of herself d) only 8 years older than me? yep... could have had that one too.... nice person, but by that point I knew I was going to work on my fade and it wouldnt be fair to her or me because she was and is hardcore dub....

  I have gone out on a few dates with a couple of nonJW women since I left the Borg (via eHarmony)...real, in person dates....just lunch dates... none of them have worked out.... I dont see a need to go to bars to try to pick up women.... I guess if I want a one-night stand or something, I can go do the bar thing....... but if I want a woman of substance, someone that I want to spend the second half of my life with, I am going to look in other spots...places that will connect me with a woman that shares my interests.

  Silence:

  Perhaps they never found the right partner and they weren't willing to settle. I respect that

  Thank you dear... you are right: I wont "settle"...if that "dooms" me to singleness, so be it.... I still believe that marriage is not just something to be played at and dumped if it doesnt work out after a few bumps...

  sweetface:

  Which is worse, being single-never-married or divorced-3 kids-paying child support and alimony out the ass?

  exactly......lets, see....my little brother has 2 kids (that he knows of)...doesnt pay child support ($10/month token support!) on either hasnt seen the oldest since he was a baby (14 years ago).. or the youngest (she is now 7 or 8)... my other brother doesnt have any kids other than the one with his wife...that he knows about...as many women as both have been with...how do they know that one day some woman from their past isnt going to pop out of the woodwork with a paternity claim?

  I know I dont have any kids out there so I dont have to worry about child support.....ever. Does that make me a loser?

  Hortensia:

  I don't believe in marriage so if you made it to 40 and aren't married, you're a winner in my book

  I like your view. So I am a winner in your book..... at 41 I feel better and am better shape than I was at 31 ..... I work out, try to eat healthy most of the time but dont obsess about it... take a vitamin supplement.... am gainfully employed and am back in school to make up for lost time stolen by the dubs... I no longer an active witness... so overall my life is pretty good...yeah, it would be nice to have some female companionship.... and when I find one that isnt psycho, that will be cool.... I take the time to listen to women....even the psycho ones... am complimented for that quality.....I never know where the gem might be....

  My closest female friend is a married JW that right now is married to a very emotionally abusive, very controlling JW husband (that by appearances to everyone else seems like a nice, happy go lucky guy, I have observed different about him).....only having kids and being a dub keeps her in..and even that might not be enough.... I missed the boat when I didnt pursue her many many years ago...too busy on the theocraptic treadmill to notice her..... now that I am off the treadmill, I can pay attention to people better... I dont want to miss the next gem that crosses my path.

  Just my 2 cents to the whole "never married over 40 heterosexual male" discussion....

  Snakes ()
• 

  nvrgnbk

  divorced-3 kids-paying child support and alimony out the ass

  Why would this guy be a loser?

  His marriage failed, that's all.

  If he's American, he finds himself with a lot of company.

  But he has the joy of being a father to not one but three unique human beings, is taking financial responsibilty for them, and even contributing to his ex.

  I think the loser would be the guy that takes no interest in his children and evades his responsibilites to them and the mother of his children.

  Hang in there, Dan.

  You're a bright, handsome, and interesting guy.

  Best of success to you.
• 

  Layla33

  I certainly don't think that it makes a man a loser. Everyone walks their own path, some people decide to settle down later, working hard, getting their education and finding themselves, there is nothing wrong with that. I have a female friend that is 37, no kids, but she is cool with that, she wants to settle and have a child or two but what's the point of doing it just because of societal pressure?

  Do you know how many people I know who got married for the wrong reasons, are miserable, going through a painful divorce or gone through one where they are forced to pay thousands of dollars a month in spousal and child support? Now, of course I know people that are happily married, but being with someone is not a guarantee of anything, so be happy you are living your life of your own choosing.
• 

  Mr. Majestic

  I suppose you could say that we are losers in the sense that we have lost out on having a family when we were young enough to. I think that from an ex-JW standpoint that is the bit that hurt me the most. I thought that I would wait till the long awaited ‘new system’, where I could bring up a family without the stresses of the world. Thought that I was being cleaver doing so as well. So that has blown up in my face.

  So in that sense I would say that I have lost greatly, effectively making me a loser...... Oh bugger……!!

  Those years wasted are proving very costly, and come back to torment every now and then. When you see a young family (like what I live next door to) it does rub it in a little.

  But here is a funny and different perspective.

  I had arrived home and I pulled up outside my house. I got out of the car and I could hear my neighbours baby son crying quite vehemently. I think he had been unwell and was still getting over his illness. I looked up towards the window where I could see the dad trying, unsuccessfully, to pacify his child. He had an expression on his face to denote that he would rather it all stop, but also he had the concern of a loving father. It was quite a beautiful image. I caught his eye and his look conveyed that he wish that he was in my position; free to come and go when you please, always out having a good time. It was slightly envious. But what he didn’t realise was I was looking back at him thinking the same thing. What he had, to me, was so much more than the freedom that he could see in me.

  Total self-indulgence and freedom is one of the most overrated aspects that society has promoted, to the detriment of so many people. In that way I would say that I was a ‘total loser’.
• 

  Finally-Free

  Having gone through a marriage and divorce, I can honestly say that being never-married in your forties does not qualify you as a loser. I wish I had never married.

  Channel your efforts into being the best person you can be. Build a life that you are happy with. You don't need anyone, but if someone compatible comes along consider it a bonus. Never allow your happiness to be dependent on anyone other than yourself.

  W
• 

  Layla33

  I suppose you could say that we are losers in the sense that we have lost out on having a family when we were young enough to.

  A man can have a family well into his sixties, I know of cases where men waited until their late 40's and 50's and had children and a nice family. Age can't be used as a determing factor so much anymore, even with women. I know of several women that I have worked with that had their first child after 40, two have one more child and then there is adoption as well. I think honestly, that those that wait are more mature, have a long instance of staying married than those that get married early, and have kids, etc.
• 

  Mr. Majestic

  Finally-Free

  I quite agree that divorce or an unhappy marriage is a terrible ordeal. Only someone who has been through what you have been through would know if "it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all". Bet you hate that phrase……..

  I have helped many a divorced person go through the ‘mangle’. Nearly every case that I have seen, I would say that it took 2 years to get though to the other side. They would come out wiser, but harder. So I can only but credit you with a knowledge beyond mine.

  The cases that hit home are the ones that I illustrated with regards to my neighbours. Like I can imagine that it must be hard for you to see couples that have been together for a long time, and are still very happy. That is a part of life you are losing out on. (Sorry if this is not making you feel any better)

  You can channel all your efforts into being the best person you can. That is all you can do. But I would still say that you are missing out. I know that it is not all bliss what these ones have. But when it works, and you see it working, despite problems, that is when you get that slight empty feeling of loss.

  Layla

  That is true. I had a discussion with a woman that I met over the holiday season and she was talking in a very envious tone about how men don’t have a ‘ticking clock’. I must say, the way that she said it was as if it was men’s fault, and me in particular…….. (suggested response: "be very understanding and just nod your head else you might get it torn off" is my suggestion……phew!!)

  A man can still have children it is true, but what kind of quality of life will that be for a young family. At such an age I would say that fulfilment would be severely compromised. When I said young enough to have them, I meant young enough to play with them, to throw and catch them, beat them up when they get to the teenage years……(Kidding)

  That’s the bit I have been personally robbed of…….
• 

  Layla33

  That’s the bit I have been personally robbed of…….

  Finally,

  I guess each person creates their own reality. One person may see it as robbed, while another person gets married, has kids at 45, plays with them, gets on the floor with them and everything else, and lives to see their grandchildren and it is all because they have a very high quality of life and a postive attitude. For me that is a reality that I happen to know of personally for about five people I know, whose fathers were well into their forties and early fifties when they were born and they are my age and still have a healthy loving relationship with their dad and mom and would scoff at someone thinking their father was robbed because he waited a little while.
• 

  Mr. Majestic

  Layla

  (presuming you are talking to me: I’m Mr. Majestic BTW)

  You have a point there. I am looking at it a bit negatively. Despite my age, I do bounce around as a big kid. And I would say now I would be in a much better position emotionally and financially.

  With you saying about your friends; I had a friend who was a lot younger than I am when I was a JW and he got married at 20. Had children at 22, now has two and has a £200,000 mortgage around his neck (not sure but I think that is about $400,000 US) He is totally immature in himself, and is going to struggle for a very long time, particularly with the economy as it is……….

  I think the reason I am saying what I am is because the time I spent as a JW was the ripe time for me to be living the life that I should have been pursuing all that time. I do grieve over those wasted years.

  So that’s great. I’m not a loser after all, or should I say, only when I was a JW. I feel a lot better now. Thanks Layla…….

  So who wants to make some babies………..??? He he he……….(devilishly rubbing of hands)
• 

  momzcrazy

  So who wants to make some babies………..???

  Man, I wish I wasn't spayed!