How to make love & marriage work w/a JW

by StillinLove 70 Replies latest social relationships

  • StillinLove

    I know that I am more than a little stubborn, that is probably the way I've come off in my responses, and I am lol. I see the good in us and how much love we have between us, and it out wieghs the occasional spats. Whenever I get challanged about our relationship by people who dont think that we will work (my grandma for one) I get this way, and I think that thats how I know that I can handel the tough stuff; I fight for us and when other people challenge him about me he does the same thing. This whole discussion board has really given me alot of things to watch out for a lot to think about, and somehow a deeper understanding of how much I love my boyfriend.

  • tiffy0212

    Get out now. I have been married to a jw for 42 years. I even joined from 1974 to 1985. He left us and was removed as a elder. 2 children no money and no job. Everything was taken out of my name and I had to go on public assistance. The brother didn't know what to do I went to meetings until they let him pray after the book study. I grabbed my son and walked out while he prayed and never looked back.

    After about 9 months he came back and by the way we almost lost our home because he did not pay the note, even though I sent all the bills to the Kingdom Hall. Both of my children are now married to people outside the hall and are very happy and successful. Two beautiful grandchildren.

    That was 21 years ago, now the elders call me to ask how I am doing. Get out of my life brothers. My husband has now retired and spends all his time at he hall. He is the first to volunteer for everything. I finally realized that there is nothing in the bible that says I give up my life for him to have everlasting life. I do everything in my home cook, clean, wash and yes iron his shirts for the meetings. Believe it or not last sunday when he came from the meeting I had to untie his shoes because he said he could'nt bend down. This is it. We do nothing together. Everywhere I go I'm alone and when he goes he is alone. What a waste of life!!!!

    Finally after 42 years I want out. I'm always alone so I want to live alone. I don't even know what we have in the bank as I am not allowed.. I must be content with sustenance and covering. I will be receiving Social Security in February and then I am going to get out on my own.

    Honey, don't waste your life get a life.

  • bubble

    Hi 'Stillinlove' and welcome to the board.

    Please take my advice, you are very young and obviously in love. Have some fun for a couple more years, by then you will have both changed and then go your seperate ways. This relationship won't last because of him being a jw and your not being one.

    If you go against my advice, he will make your life a misery. And your future children's lives a misery. And his family's lives a misery. And your family's lives a misery.

    I married at age 20 and knew within 2 years that I'd made a huge mistake. Don't go down that road as it took me 16 years to get out of the marriage. Do the math, that's a lot of unhappy years!! Enjoy your relationship with him whilst you feel the way you do right now, but cut and run before it gets too serious. You'll probably have tired by him then.

    Good luck.


  • oompa

    hi stilin love...somehow I missed this thread sorry...but I spend a lot of time here on JWD trying to figure out my now weird marriage of me being out of JW while my wif is IN jw....and am getting ready to enter marriage counseling as a last resort. I notice you posted"

    So my concerns are; his religiousness has made him incredibly small minded in certain ways and I am concerned about how that will affect our ability to raise kids. I am totally fine with them being raised as witnesses because he is an incredible person with strong values from his faith and I am not religious so I know that it is more important to him than me. BUT i do however want my kids to learn about other cultures, make friends with whoever they want, be allowed to date, and not ever be put in a position where they have to lie like he always has. What can i expect from him, and how can I ease the tension?

    This was the first thing you mentioned...the highlighted line. So number 1.........Yes it will dramatically effect your precious will love them so much it will become unbearable to wipe the milk off their faces from the Cheerios....put their little neckties on, and comb their hair and find their cute tiny bookbags and get them in the mini-van so they can go knock on doors Saturday morning with their daddy....and when you put them in the car seat or back seat and buckle them in....they are crying that they just want to stay home with mommy and watch play it over and over in your head

    and though I can say a lot more about your post.....that's about I am up for right now.

    But I also saw a lack in your post of any hint or thought of "What if" he would leave JW...or how to get him out from under the WT spell. There was just a very long letter posted here you need to find and I want a link to from a former JW who wrote his JWmom an credible letter to get her out of the wt spell....find it read it and leave it where you bf will find it....

    Remember you also posted :He understands my side but says "that's what the bible says so..." so my question is how do i get him to get over that and compromise?

    Well you ONLY chance for this to work a good 40 years is in that highlight above.....he will have to agree to what the "Bible says" instead of what the WT stuff says....and you had better hold his feet to fire and make him read some painful stuff.....

    Hey, since oompa likes happy ending....stillinlove is gonna print that letter, get bf on JWD, then he will read crisis of conscience, and fly away with still in love and they and there three kids (twin boys and a little girl) will live happily ever ...the end...............oompa

  • detective

    As for being "worldly"...

    I had no idea how negative a connotation that word really had within the witnesses until I started reading their magazines. I couldn't believe it.

    I remember asking my beloved how he could go to those meetings and sit there while his group insulted me. After all, they were talking about me- the "unbeliever" (in what exactly?), the worldly wicked, the bird food. That was me they were routinely killing off in their armageddon-awaiting anticipation. I asked him if he thought I would sit be quietly while people spoke ill of him. How could he respond? He knew what I was saying was true. At the very least, I asked him to substitute my name in the place "of "worldly" or "unbeliever" in their magazines. Now that was an awkward reality check for him! In the end, I think it did help get him thinking...

  • Honesty

    Go for it Stillinlove.

    Come back in 10 years and tell us how happy you both are.

  • SM62

    I haven't read every post, but I had to jump in.......

    Take my word for it - love and marriage between a JW and a non-JW is very difficult and very often it doesn't work. My husband will always put the org first. If I ask him to give me a lift somewhere, he will check to see whether it conflicts with a meeting or his precious service. A few weeks ago, I was very ill (I was actually hospitalised) and he still went on the service rather than accompany me to hospital - he really doesn't care. He will go out of his way to give lifts to sisters so they get to the group and to meetings, but I had to get a bus to the hospital to have tests. Do you really want this? Is this the life you want?

    Btw - I have skin cancer. Does he care? No! He says that this gives him hope that he will see me in the new system (because I'll be dead before Armageddon - his words, not mine)

  • jgnat

    Oh, sm62, that is horrible. Two things stuck out for me:

    he still went on the service rather than accompany me to hospital

    I suspect it's not because he doesn't care, but because he operates out of fear. I bet he genuinely believes if he misses a single meeting, that will be the day armageddon arrives and he'll miss the boat. I bet the man is marinating in so much fear, he's oblivious to the suffering he causes around him.

    When my hubby's mother was dying, he fussed whether he should go to the Memorial or be at his mother's bedside. I took him to task, full-bore, for his priorities. "There will be other Memorials. Your mother will only die once." But I said that much louder than it shows in print, over and over, pointy finger inches from his nose, eyes bulging, hair waving medusa-style. He straightened out.

    When it comes to common human decency and kindness, I don't hold back. I tell him exactly what I think.

    Btw - I have skin cancer. Does he care? No! He says that this gives him hope that he will see me in the new system

    Again, I don't think this is lack of caring. I think he is repeating, parrot-style, the empty comfort the Watchtower society has given him. This is how he is supposed to react to scary information.

    He is supposed to be at your bedside at the scary times. This is what good men do. If you think he is a lost cause, do you have a child or a natural-born brother who can be your support? Otherwise, I'd be tempted to have a rip-down tear-down fight with him about his priorities. Specifically, does he want anyone at his bedside when he gets ill? I suspect that even the Kingdom Hall would be embarrassed by his actions. A possible third approach is to write Bethel and the local community paper revealing the skewed priorities of this seemingly harmless religion. Embarrass him in to good behavior.

  • sweetstuff

    There isn't alot to add to the advice you've been given, welcome to the board. But one thing I would like to point out, perhaps I missed it being mentioned before but here goes..

    If he hasn't introduced you to his family and his congregation, what makes you think he will ever marry you? You could be a phase he is going thru, before he settles down with a good "witness girl". I know that sounds harsh, but if you have been together for 3 years, unless I missed something, you are still his little "secret". Don't you deserve to be someone he proudly intros to his family and friends as his future wife, his partner? If not, then that is as bad a sign as it gets, relationship wise. He isn't mature enough to handle what everyone else will say to him, so how can you expect he will be mature enough to stand up for you, with you, against his family and congregation in the future?

    I feel for your situation, you love him, but you love the part of him that is with you, when he is with you, what about the parts of him he hides from you?

  • Quandry

    If he hasn't introduced you to his family and his congregation, what makes you think he will ever marry you? You could be a phase he is going thru, before he settles down with a good "witness girl". I know that sounds harsh, but if you have been together for 3 years, unless I missed something, you are still his little "secret"

    Well, dear. Love is blind. And if you blind yourself to your situation now, your eyesight will clear up as you get a bit older and reality sets in.

    You, dear, are the other woman. The one that cannot be introduced to family. How many married men go out with other women and give them the line "My wife doesn't understand me." Or, "I can't stand my wife, and will soon divorce her and marry you."

    Funny how usually it never happens. In this case, of course, there is no wife, but his family and congregation. But he still does not want them to find out about you. If he says disparaging remarks about his mother to you, get a clue as to the things he would say about you if he were caught and had to go to elders in the congregation.

    He is an adult. You said he is working. Still he does not want to admit to his family that you exist.

    What would your advice be to someone else who was in this situation?

    O.K. I won't say run. Just walk extremely fast......

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