How to make love & marriage work w/a JW

by StillinLove 70 Replies latest social relationships

  • LovesDubs

    Boy...complicated isnt it. BF is stuck being a JW and hates it enough to think GOD doesnt care or see that he is screwing you, but doesnt want to lose his family by letting them know you exist. He is well aware of the consequences of them finding out he has been sleeping with you too. Dont you find it sad that he is so afraid of his RELIGION (not GOD the MEN in POWER) that he cant even openly bring you around his family and friends? You are a booty call because chances are REALLY GOOD he wouldnt be having this same relationship with a JW girl because he knows she would go to the elders and he knows SHE would know all the rules he is breaking...and there is a bus load of them in your circumstances. Kudos to him for not being a gang banger, but I am of the opinion that any religion if actually followed would preclude him from getting involved in that activity so its not being a JW per se that is saving him from that. He might could be a Methodist or a Baptist and have the same choices to make about his life right? They all follow the "bible" he likes to quote. And I did note that he quotes the Bible on things that are to his liking and convenience and ignores the ones that would be convicting his behavior right now with you.

    I was a JW for 13 years from age 30-43. I married a JW in the Kingdom Hall. His mother was a JW and his father was not. She dragged all her 5 kids to every meeting (five meetings a week) and out going door to door on Saturday mornings. They didnt do ANY holidays. They didnt do ANY birthdays. They were excluded from participating in ANY school activities involving anything that interfered with meeting or service times which meant NO band, NO sports, NO cheerleading, NO prom, NO dances at all, NO dating, NO creating little gifts for Christmas, or Mothers Day, NO grab bags or making ornaments with glitter and glue for the class christmas tree, NO singing of the National Anthem, NO being in choirs because they sang holiday or patriotic music during the year, NO barbeques at the relatives for 4th of July, Memorial Day, or Labor Day, no turkey dinner with all the cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents on Thanksgiving, no gift exchanges and singing of caroles at Christmas, no running for class president or being on the year book committee, NO going to college, no NOTHING. And you are "alright" with that? Well my FATHER in LAW wasnt. Nor was I.

    I will tell you what happens. You start to feel DEEP resentment towards that other person that you "sacrificed" your inner self to be come down to their "level" and respect for their "beliefs" and totally sacrificed your own values, and beliefs to appease them with NOTHING in return except to be demonized by their religion for being "worldly" and by default UNDER SATAN. Yes you are...there are only TWO camps...them and the rest of the world. THEY have God, YOU have satan and that includes the POPE and MOTHER THERESA. All satanic! If he tells you otherwise he is lying. You might think you are doing a very loving thing and selfless and giving by deserting who you really are for them, but it will eventually come to bite you in the ass and you will be pissed off that you wasted your time thinking things would be a compromise in your marriage when there are NO COMPROMISES with JWs. Its their way or the highway. There is NO middle ground. His relatives will NEVER accept you as long as you are not a JW or moving towards becoming a JW because YOU are bad association and YOU are trying to drag their son "out of the truth" you "worldly harlot" you.

    My father in law watched his family leave him four or more times a week to go to the Kingdom Hall. He watched as other families did holidays, and birthdays and had get togethers and had picnics and had JOY in their lives...and eventually he decided hed had it and left. He found someone else who shared what he loved in his life and he moved out and married her and left his first wife with her religion that she had chosen over her husbands feelings. After the kids moved out, she was left staring at what was left and really started to look closely at that religion she had chosen over her marriage. And lo and was filled with lies, deceit, control, and totally UNBIBLICAL pharisaic rules and regulations unfit for Christians....and after 27 years, she left the JWs. But it was too late to save her marriage. And now she has THREE baptized JW children and five JW grandchildren who are forced to SHUN her. She is not allowed ANY contact with them because she "left jehovah" in their eyes and if they dont shun her THEY will be disfellowshipped and shunned as well. Oh what a tangled web we weave. And this destruction of the family is what God wants for us??? I think not! Nor do most of the folks on this board who have experienced this pain.

    I am still married to the JW. We have been married 21 years but I guarantee you if we had NOT had three children together I woulld have left him and this fackocta cult behind a long time ago. I stayed and raised my children to see the GOOD in people and not that they were LACKING because they werent JWs. I raised them to follow their OWN spiritual paths and offer my opinion on spiritual things only when they ask me and I start off by saying "This is what I believe...and you can believe what you want to and that is your RIGHT." They have all absolutely blossomed since being taken out of the stifling JW lifestyle. They excel in sports and dance and are ALL honor students. They are in music and do charity work and have after school jobs or clubs they go to and are wonderful fulfilled happy people because I kept Dad and his constricting cult rules at bay. They have seen first hand how this religion has DESTROYED our extended family and how they cannot ever have family reunions and picnics and be with their JW cousins and have any kind of normal extended family relationships ever again because the JWs have us divided against each other. They will never be JWs and have said that if my husband EVER starts to preach JWism to their kids, that he will be cut off from those grandchildren like a gangrenous limb.

    Yeah this isnt a pretty story...but this is your LIFE and FUTURE you are talking about. I would never paint you a pretty picture just to tickle your ears because you love this man...and I believe you love each other...but this religion WILL destroy you.

    Dont get married... DONT HAVE KIDS for the next 7 years. Revisit it then. In the meantime tell homeboy to go to college or you are gonna leave him in the DUST. And by the way...if you get married? Nobody on his side of things will come. It cant be in a church. It cant be at the Kingdom Hall. And will never be accepted by any of the JWs in his family. Sounds like a good beginning to wedded bliss to you?

    Let us know how it goes


  • StillinLove

    These posts have been so comforting, even though the majority arent opptimistic, because for once Im talking to people who know what the hell theyre talking about! lol

    Anywho, I guess the title of the post is a little misleading, neither of us has any desire to get hitched in the near future. I want to at least have started my grad program first, which means that we'll probably get engaged when Im 24 or so and Im a beleiver in the long engagement so married by 25 or 26 at the youngest. I want to move to Miami after I get out of school so I can use my fluency in spanish to help hispanohablantes (spanish speakers), and i plan to have my own practice before Im 40. So as you can see, Im not a very wishy-washy girl; I have some big plans. And he likes that part of me because hes the same way.

    As far as children go... I was born to be a mother. I want kids more than anything in the world, and he would make an amazing dad. You know those dads who seem like real hard asses, but then they have a baby girl n they turn out to be a big teddy bear? He is one of those guys. I always tease him about that, with his own 16 year old sister (who I have met and really like) he is such a push over but if some boy pushes her around, the kid mite as well kiss his ass goodbye. I want to have a boy and a girl, and he is the only man on earth that I would want to have them with. sorry guys. I understand that life will be tough as nails, we are a mixed race and mixed religon couple and so far he has been worth every minute. And alot of all this advice on how to keep that going has been fantastic.

    I really appriciate all the replies but I gotta say a few mentioned something that I thought was a little hypocritical.. On the subject of pre marital sex. Some people said that he would be hypocritical if he got mad about his kids having premarital sex when he did. And if im not mistaken isnt almost everyone that way? (Im about to sound like a book worm but o well) Its a fact that about 90% people under 25 have had premarital sex, and of people born between 1975 and 1980 about 80% had premarital sex. And I dont know one parent who wouldnt be at least a little upest that their kids had sex. And I would be too, although not in the same "lock-her-in the-basement-till-she's-married" way that he is (my own fathers favorite experession).

  • TD
    On the subject of pre marital sex. Some people said that he would be hypocritical if he got mad about his kids having premarital sex when he did. And if im not mistaken isnt almost everyone that way?

    I think "mad" is euphimistic. It would go far beyond just being mad. Sex apart from formal marriage is strictly forbidden for JW's JW's "disfellowship" (excommunicate and shun) members for this.

  • aquagirl

    hey,its hard enough w/a normal person.cant even imagine what fresh hell it must be to be married to a have my sympathies..i have a tent and a backyard,if you need it....

  • Awakened at Gilead
    Awakened at Gilead

    I agree with LovesDubs... It sounds to me that you're just his worldly booty call...

    Try not to get hurt, but I think he is using you since he can't do this openly or with a JW girl. And he doesn't have the balls to stand up and tell the elders that he would rather f*ck a girl than be a JW. (scuse my French). Don't get hurt!

    [email protected]

  • wildfell

    Hi Stillinlove

    The posters here have shared their EXCELLENT advice, insights and personal experiences. It is easy to say that you can overcome anything when you are 21. Been there, done that. Would love to do it again, but if only I knew then what I know now! LOL

    Your boyfriend seems like a real charmer. He has the capacity to keep everyone happy. Whatta boy! He keeps you happy, he keeps his mum happy, he keeps the congregation happy. He does it by fooling and deceiving everyone.

    We all want to know as much about our prospective life partners as possible, don't we? You have a real advantage here. You have gained a real insight into his true character. His character is that he is very capable of lying and deceiving people that love him. He justifies it, too, but saying that they are so strict that they give him no alternative. Stillinlove, one day he will lie to you and deceive you, too. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when.

    You say that you love the fact that he is a physically big guy who can intimidate people . . . I would like to suggest that on the inside he is a very little man cause he has no scruples and he is intimidated by his mother and his congregation. A genuinely big man has integrity and is true to himself and to the people around him. A moral man is an honest man who doesn't lie and lead a double life.

    One more important thing that you may not have thought of. He really, really wants to keep his mumma happy. He chooses her over you now. Yes, he does! Imagine what your life will be like when he chooses his judgemental, disapproving mother over you time and time again when you are married? (You can't even begin to imagine how miserable a nasty mother in law can make your life!) He will show his ultimate loyalty is to his mother, not to you. He is doing that now,

    I encourage you to think with your head, not your heart. I wish you all the best of luck!

  • OnTheWayOut

    I agree with LovesDubs... It sounds to me that you're just his worldly booty call...

    I chime in with full agreement to the above. The hardest part for him will be
    breaking up with you while keeping you from getting so mad as to go to his
    elders. Still, even if you do, he can be "repentant" of his life of sin.

    He's liable to tell you one day in the distant future, probably near the time
    you move away, that he feels bad about his double life and must return to
    Jehovah. "I can only see you if you study and become a JW." That will be
    his trump card, no matter how badly or smoothly the breakup is.

    If I am wrong, there are still many ups and downs that are an added burden.
    Most marriages don't have to face one member being in a mind-control cult.

    Good luck with this. Good day.

  • StillinLove

    Wow, I really dont remember saying that I loved "that he was a big guy who can intimidate people" I believe that I said that he comes off as a tough guy, as in not very emotional not as in cruel, but he is a big teddy bear with me.

    The more people are posting the more Ive been reading that Im just sex to him. Which is not only hurtful but ridiculous, we have only been intimate for less tha half of the 3 years (almost 4) we have been together and having sex was something that I pushed not him. The majority of people have premarital sex, and I dont know anyone who tells thier parents or their pastors when they start doing it. Most anyone who is religous beleives the same thing, premarital sex is wrong and they usually do it too, so ask your self if that makes you as bad as you say he is. So if you want to say that it shows him to be immoral than so are most people. We both think its better to wait, but when we were kids we just didnt want to.

    As for his mother, they are rarely on speaking terms, he doesnt want to keep her happy. he just wants to have a roof over his head. He pays her rent to live there and since the real estate business has been terrible he really lost alot of ground towards moving out, also combined with being scammed by a business partner who turned out to be a con artist. So... no he doesnt do this to keep his mother happy, he doesnt even like her.

    I have met the family and friends who are open minded enough to accept me. I know this is alot of "he says this" but what ever. Once he moves out they cant really do anything to him except tell the elders, and all that will really do is take away his privilages. He isnt afriad of them because his best friends parents are mixed religon and they are both in the cong. he is not some sex driven ass hole, its our anniversary soon and for the 4th year in a row we are going to six flags to celebrate. He went to my proms, he's met my entire extended family, his friends and my friends are all really close now, he came to my birthdays because he wanted to show he's flexible, he said he cant wait to get married he wants to have children with me someday, he tells me he loves me everynight. Just because a few members of his family are too strict to understand does not mean that he doesnt love me.

    His best friend has introduced his girlfriend, (a worldly girl who I set him up with) to his parents and they said she was adorable, they are the mixed religon couple. He doesnt have that luxury and as soon as he is financially stable he plans to tell them and is ok with loosing his privilges. He isnt living any differently than all of his friends, who make up the majority of the people his age from the cong. He doesnt lie anymore than any other teenager, most kids sneak out, lie, have sex, and date under the radar sometimes. Now he doesnt lie, they dont ask where he goes because he is an adult and he has never been asked if he has a girlfriend. He dated some of the JW girls (who fyi do the same thing that the guys do, Ive met some of them and they arent any different) and he said that of the ones he was attracted to they werent fiesty enough for him, we both like a some one who speaks up. And how else do you propose he could have done this when we were in high school? His mother was ready to kick him out just for dating at 16/17 years old. He beleives strongly in Jehovah and everyone breaks the rules sometimes, and its not his fault that the people who run things are unaccepting.

    Tonite I asked him what he would do if they found out tomorrow, and he said that he would get a place closer to mine and introduce me to the ones who would agree to meet me (probably his step dad, his father and his step mother, and a few of his aunts and uncles). And deal with what ever the cong. decided.

    Sorry for the rant but a few of the comments were hurtful and the language was cruel and unnecesarry. I was upset to see how similarly people are judging him the way some of the elders would judge me. Without knowing him.

  • wildfell

    Hi StillinLove

    Sorry that you are feeling hurt! It's hard to love someone and hear them spoken of in less than admiring terms. It is understandable given the totally honest way that people (me included) have responded to you. I do not believe that anyone's aim was to hurt you, but rather to inform you and give you the benefit of their hard-earned wisdom.

    You say that people are judging your boyfriend without knowing him. I certainly feel that although I don't know him, it doesn't take Einstein to work him out, based purely on his behaviour.

    I heard a great saying recently. It went something like . . . 'don't listen to what a man SAYS, look at what he DOES'.

  • TheListener

    You've received a ton of responses and I haven't had the time to read them all yet.

    I'm a faded witness but my wife and family are currently active.

    My 2 cents:

    If he leaves the religion for you then he'll probably return to it one day. The witnesses have a strong psychological attachment to their religion. Guessing by your college major you probably figured that out already. Proof of that attachment is the fact that you've not been introduced to everyone in his life and that he is purportedly still a witness while doing many many things that go against his religious creeds. Living 2 lives must cause a fair amount of stress. In his mind he's playing both worlds. That does not mean his love for you isn't real - from how you described him it probably is very real.

    The caution is that at some point later in life something may happen, be it old age, severe medical trauma, having childen or whatever he is probably going to return to the witnesses. If he becomes an active witness in good standing then unfortunately your relationship will change.

    You need help him realize that the witness religion isn't "the truth" and that being a witness isn't an automatic ticket into a new system. Until you (or someone else) does that you will always run the risk of him returning.

    I wish you the best of luck. Sounds like you know what you want in life and are going for it. Great job.

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