How to make love & marriage work w/a JW

by StillinLove 70 Replies latest social relationships

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  StillinLove

  Please dont comment saying to "run" or "get out while I can" thank you Im not new to this, so I can handel it. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we started dating in high school and now I am going to college and he is working. I am 20 and he is 21, I was raised catholic but my mom and I are too open minded for the church so we left. He is a JW, him and his friends had always dated (almost always worldly girls) and hid it from thier parents and their congregation. Thats how he said it always is, the kids just sort of sneek around and have a very good system too. I know that he always wanted me to convert and tried to get me to and he always will, but when we discuss religion (which is often) I am never swayed and he has gotten used to it. And as he explained it; life would be much easier for us if we were both JW and obviously he would want me to be one b/c of his beleif about paradise earth. But thats not a big deal b/c he loves me regardless of my beleifs and we're very feisty so we actually have a pretty good time debating our differences.

  So my concerns are; his religousness has made him incredibly small minded in certain ways and I am concerned about how that will affect our ability to raise kids. I am totally fine with them being raised as witnesses because he is an incredible person with strong values from his faith and I am not religous so I know that it is more important to him than me. BUT i do however want my kids to learn about other cultures, make friends with whoever they want, be allowed to date, and not ever be put in a position where they have to lie like he always has. What can i expect from him, and how can I ease the tension?

  The other issue is that from what I know (which is alot at this point) from him and the watchtower website they are pretty sexist. “My husband exercises his headship in a loving and kind way,” says Susan. “We usually discuss decisions, and when he decides what will or will not be done, I know it is for our benefit. Jehovah’s arrangement for Christian wives really makes me happy" is from the website and pretty much says it all. I am incredibly headstrong and dont give a damn what the bible says because I dont follow it, so I wont be following that model. Problem being: how do I get him to understand that Im not that kind of woman and dont want to be? I want to get him to realize that we need to be able to work together as equals and he needs to back down on that one? He understands my side but says "thats what the bible says so..." so my question is how do i get him to get over that and compermise?
• 

  jgnat

  Hi, we have so much in common. I was with my first husband from when I was a teenager, too. I am married to a Witness now.

  I'm curious why he is bothering to try and convert you. Has he ever introduced you to his family? He's not supposed to be living common-law. Even if you converted, he is still in bad standing with the congregation to be living with you, unmarried.

  So my concerns are; his religousness has made him incredibly small minded in certain ways and I am concerned about how that will affect our ability to raise kids

  You got that right. I would not raise children together with my JW husband, for the very reason you mentioned. I would not raise a child to think that they have to sneak around on their parents, be afraid of judgement, and judge others as unworthy of paradise. I love both my children, from my first marriage, equally, and I would do it no other way. The only way I can see to ease the tension is to agree not to have children together. Or else get him to agree to visit nondenominational churches to broaden his mind first.

  I see your boyfriend has tried to "exercise his headship" over you. I don't allow such nonsense either, because of my abusive first marriage. H handel my husband very well. To my advantage I know the bible very well and I am an accomplished debater. I can give plenty of examples of strong, independent women in the bible. If he ever brings up a bible principle again, remind him he is he's separated from Jehovah because he has not formalized his commitment to you before God and the civil authorities. He's fornicating. Right back atcha, mister.

  As for paradise earth, ask him how he thinks he knows you won't be there? You have a very confused young man.
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  still_in74

  He is a JW, him and his friends had always dated (almost always worldly girls) and hid it from thier parents and their congregation.
  I know that he always wanted me to convert and tried to get me to and he always will, but when we discuss religion (which is often) I am never swayed and he has gotten used to it.
  And as he explained it; life would be much easier for us if we were both JW and obviously he would want me to be one b/c of his beleif about paradise earth.

  So my concerns are; his religousness has made him incredibly small minded in certain ways and I am concerned about how that will affect our ability to raise kids.
  I am totally fine with them being raised as witnesses because he is an incredible person with strong values from his faith and I am not religous so I know that it is more important to him than me. BUT i do however want my kids to learn about other cultures, make friends with whoever they want, be allowed to date, and not ever be put in a position where they have to lie like he always has.

  The other issue is that from what I know (which is alot at this point) from him and the watchtower website they are pretty sexist. “My husband exercises his headship in a loving and kind way,” says Susan. “We usually discuss decisions, and when he decides what will or will not be done, I know it is for our benefit. Jehovah’s arrangement for Christian wives really makes me happy" is from the website and pretty much says it all. I am incredibly headstrong and dont give a damn what the bible says because I dont follow it, so I wont be following that model. Problem being: how do I get him to understand that Im not that kind of woman and dont want to be? I want to get him to realize that we need to be able to work together as equals and he needs to back down on that one? He understands my side but says "thats what the bible says so..." so my question is how do i get him to get over that and compermise?

  Hi and welcome to the board. as for your situation - my mother was a JW and my father was not. This caused some tension between my mother and her in-laws but she was very stubborn and controlling. Had she been a little more "flexible" with them it may not have been as difficult.
  As for my parents, they seemed to be alright although my father was pretty easy going. He also enjoyed the company of the JW's in the cong. and they all like him - so that helped.
  This division certainly caused more tension for my mother as she was always playing the "unbelieving husband" card and always trying to get him to convert. She eventually resented the fact he would not become a JW but then things settled down once us kids were all older. But certainly the home environment was not one I would want for my children - I did not like being around the house.

  As for your comments above - regarding kids sneaking around - some do/did but not all. Many of us (like myself) actually were pretty good in this area, although now I regret not having a bit more fun in my youth when I had an excuse for doing it! Regarding kids, i know many kids that were raised in similar households. They tend to take "the truth", or go the other direction but maintane many of their JW friends as they had never been baptized. This actually works well for them as they get the best of both worlds. This of course is for children that are confident in themselves and do not have self-esteem issues. If so, then they may struggle with feelings of worthlessness. I myself am fearful to have children as my wife is an active JW and I am still-in but no longer recognize the WTS as gods chosen channel. Regarding the org being sexist. Those articles are written by old men!Almost EVERYONE knows that that is not the real world. Husbands and wives typically find a system that works for them. Most husbands know that the "loving your wife as you love yourself" bit is where it really counts. Husbands that "dominate" their wives are usually the ones the most people dont like to be around. Often the wives are noticabley different from the rest. Those marriages tend to fail. Your husband actually sounds more open minded than you think. You should really get settled into your "religious" paths before bringing children into the mix - at least this way you both know where stand in that regard and it will be less frustrating for them. Certainly though - this type of childhood is frustrating - I know, I lived it. Best of luck Still..................
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Please dont comment saying to "run" or "get out while I can"

  So there's not much else to say. You know better what you want, so figure it out for yourself.
  I will say much anyway.

  Seriously, welcome. I understand your question, but you gotta understand why we would
  say "Run." He is a weak JW to date you, but he may decide to become a strong JW one day.
  

  but when we discuss religion (which is often) I am never swayed and he has gotten used to it.

  So he is always going to look down on your lack of acceptance of his beliefs and you may
  always look down on his beliefs. That's a rough way to start a marriage.

  And as he explained it; life would be much easier for us if we were both JW

  That's his way of already asserting that the problem is with you. Life would be easier if
  HE got out of the JW's instead of remaining one and disobeying their general directive to
  "marry only in the lord" and to date JW's only with the intent of marrying one of them.

  our ability to raise kids. I am totally fine with them being raised as witnesses because he is an incredible person with strong values from his faith and I am not religous so I know that it is more important to him than me.

  It's not about what's important to you. The kids will be raised as JW's to be taught that
  Mommie is "wrong" or "worldly" or any number of negative terms like "going to be destroyed
  at Armageddon." They will be taught an unhealthy fear of a God who uses the WT organization
  to control people. They will miss out on normal activities such as interaction with other kids
  concerning holidays and birthdays- they might be fearful that Jehovah will destroy them if they
  wear green on St. Patricks Day or accept a piece of birthday cake from a five-year-old. They
  will be expected to go to all those meetings that reinforce the doctrine down their throats and
  teaches them that Mommie deserves to be destroyed, along with that five-year-old that tried
  to give them cake. They will be expected to skip sports and college and set their goals toward
  selling WT literature full time for free and working part-time to stay poor and barely get by.

  But, hey- it doesn't matter to YOU.

  Your future husband will likely take his religion seriously one day, especially after he has kids
  or after his elders or higher ups tell him why he is not pleasing Jehovah.

  how do I get him to understand that Im not that kind of woman and dont want to be? I want to get him to realize that we need to be able to work together as equals and he needs to back down on that one? He understands my side but says "thats what the bible says so..."

  So, like many single people, you are in love but you want to change the other person. That
  headship thing is ingrained in them, so there's no hope there sister. Live with it or RUN.
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  Jim_TX

  Wow... I think you have a lot to think about.

  Especiall if you decide you want to marry this fella. Him being a JW - you DO realize that he will not be celebrating any holidays. No birthdays... no mother's - or father's days... no thanksgivings... no christmas... and so on.

  I say this because... you mentioned having children. They will not be allowed to celebrate these holidays... as he will 'lead' the household and forbid it as a JW.

  Wow... I was raised a JW... and was always on the outside - looking in - at the families that were not JWs - and were having fun celebrating their holidays.

  Oh - and I didn't mention the 'blood' issue... if you are in the hospital - giving birth - and something goes wrong... will he support you - and allow you to accept blood - if you need it? (A poor example, perhaps - but you may get the point.) The same goes for any children you have. If they ever need blood - will he allow it? Probably not - as a JW.

  It's your decision... I just hope that you think it through - all the way.

  Good Luck.

  Regards,

  Jim TX
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  OnTheWayOut

  Oh, and one day, maybe the husband will be expected to totally shun his own
  adult children because they don't accept his religion after they got baptized as
  pre-teens, or maybe they will shun him because they did accept it, but Daddy
  wised up and left the WT organization.
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  Open mind

  For the sake of brevity, I'll just slightly change the name of this thread to:

  How to make love to a JW on the sand.

  It can be done. In fact, if you're both very careful, it could actually be enjoyable.

  But if either of you wiggles too much (imposes your beliefs on the other) or the wind (family, elders) kicks up, the friction could be a deal breaker.

  Open Mind
• 

  ninja

  don't make love to your woman on the sand...your child could turn out to be one son of a beach
• 

  Open mind

  *for da ninjster*

  BADA - BOOM!
• 

  sacolton

  Oh, to be young and naive again ... *sigh*

  First of all, you'll have to understand that he will obey Jehovah first. I'm not saying "He is obedient to God first", but his loyality to the Watchtower and the doctrines that come from the Governing Body. Depending on his goals as a Jehovah's Witness - if he wishes to become an elder or reach for higher ranks within the organization - his advancement will be greatly restricted because of his "worldly" wife. It will be seen as him being "weak" because he did not marry "in the truth", so he may (or may not) try to get you to conform.

  It's all about conformity.

  Love means you should NEVER have to change yourself to please another. I think you should continue researching and weigh the pros and cons before making a decision. It won't be easy to live in a split-faith relationship. No holidays or birthdays for the kids. It's a very dull lifestyle with the only excitement being the Memorial and wedding anniverseries.

  Take a step back and look at the big picture ... see yourself 20 years from now ...