How to make love & marriage work w/a JW

by StillinLove 70 Replies latest social relationships

  • The Oracle
    The Oracle

    If you really love him then do him a favour and expose him to some independent and enlightened thinking....and hang in there.

    He will leave the WT eventually, and you will live happily ever after.

    Ah, the power of positive thinking....never under-estimate it!

    The Oracle

  • stillajwexelder

    go down on her regularly and have her in exctasy - she will not run to the elders - trust me

  • Awakened at Gilead
    Awakened at Gilead


    You have your genders mixed up...

  • Bring_the_Light

    Stilla's advice works even better the other way around.

    But, girl, either confirm this guy is on his way out or a dedicated half-asser, or run like hell. No good can come of it.

  • Jewel

    Remember, too, that if you have kids with this guy, AND the kids are raised as Witnesses it will affect EVERY aspect of their (and therefore your) life. Not only will your family NOT celebrate Christmas, Halloween, Easter, or birthdays, they will not be allowed to do these things in school either. No elementary Christmas concerts, no Christmas party in second grade, no flag salutes, no Halloween costumes. They will be uncomfortable in every art class that involves them coloring a Christmas tree or making a clay pencil holder for Father's Day. They won't be able to play on any teams, serve as class secretary or be on the yearbook staff. You won't ever put candles on a birthday cake and sing Happy Birthday to them with the proud grandparents standing by. You won't be able to plan any family activities for the weekends because they'll be likely out in service on Saturday and at meeting for two hours on Sunday. If he takes them to the meetings without you, you'll have to be OK with the thought that it is likely they'll be taken to the bathroom and spanked with regularity from infanthood

    They won't be allowed to listen to much popular music, read Harry Potter, or plan for their futures. They won't be able to read science fiction, believe in evolution or have "worldly" friends (unless they sneak around and lie to their dad the way he is lying to his parents). They won't be encouraged to go to college. They will be taught that women should be in subjection to men, that demons can torment them in the night and that they will be destroyed utterly if they disagree with anything they hear at the Kingdom Hall. They will spend four hours a week at meetings, sitting quietly for two hours at a pop. They will not go to football games, proms, or Christmas at your mom's house.

    These are not exaggerations. Is this how your picture your life...and theirs?

  • Jenlet

    "He understands my side but says "thats what the bible says so..." so my question is how do i get him to get over that and compermise?"

    He won't get over it since the headship principle is to his benefit. JW men are good at spewing Watchtower nonsense when it suits them. You notice he did not quote the bible on the subject of sex outside of marriage, right? The bible's view on that subject wasn't to his liking, so he forgot to mention that fornicators will end up in the Lake of Fire.

    "how can I ease the tension?"

    Ditch him and find another man that you can have an equal relationship with.

  • carla

    How do you make it 'work'? You don't. You put up with his crazy ass jw shit or you either learn to live with it or you don't and you stand your ground and have your battles. Have a back up plan to save your own life as well as your childs as he will let you and any children die. Be ready to always take a back seat to anything jw related, the org comes first no matter what. Understand that nothing in your life will ever be private, the cong is privy to everything in your life. It doesn't matter if he tells someone something in confidence that is a foreign concept to jw's. If you do marry him please consider not having children with him as it is a hellish life for a jw child and they carry emotional bagage for the rest of their life, usually. As already mentioned jw's lie, and no he doesn't love you more or any other romantic feelings you may have, he will lie to you because they are trained to do so when they deem 'necessary' (See jw definition of the word Lie in the Aid book and elsewhere)

  • sacolton

    Also remember, the divorce rate is VERY HIGH in the Jehovah's Witnesses.

    To compare 4.9% of Witnesses being divorced with 50% of worldly marriages ending in divorce shows the Watchtower Society has either a misunderstanding of statistics or is intentionally deceptive.

    "The 51,400 divorces granted in 1998 occurred from the accumulated stock of all marriages contracted over the years and not from the 110,600 marriages registered in the year. For example, in 1998 there were 8.3 million married persons or about 4.1 million married couples. The 51,400 divorces represent about 12.4 divorces out of every 1,000 married couples." (Emphasis added)

    The number of divorces in a year may equal 46% of the number of marriages in that year but it is not 46% of marriages. The above quote explains that this is not the figure to look at, as “divorces granted in 1998 occurred from the accumulated stock of all marriages, not those getting married.” In 1998 there were 8.3 million married people in Australia, so the number of divorces in a year represents only 1.24% of those married and 0.29% of the total population.

    From my own experience, the divorce rate amongst young Witnesses has been high. Out of 44 of the peers I grew up with, 45% of those that got married were divorced within 10 years. In my current congregation 30% of those in my age group that were married are divorced, and many of the people in this sample size have been married for less then two years. Considering that the median age for divorce in Australia in around 40, we can expect well over half of these recent marriages will end up divorced.

    Makes you think. AND IT SHOULD!!!

  • Liberty


    Being in any long term relationship is damn hard, especially when said relationship starts when you are teenagers. I cannot emphasize enough to you just how much you and your boyfriend will change as you mature. I was a completely different person at 18 than I was at 21 and am really unrecognizable to my old selves at 46. I met my wife at 29 and she was 24 and we had a torrid 10+ times a day type sex life for the first 5 years and we were very passionate and in love on every level talking important issues till dawn night after night and then making it through the day on lust-infatuation adrenialine. We were older and had no issues and we still are struggling now 17 years later with the long term relationship. You don't have as good a start already so be preparred for some tough times.

    We were high on love and floating through life. We agreed on almost everything, we were commited atheists, had the same politics, loved the same hobbies and movies, books, etc. and we had great conversations along with mutually satisfying sex and wanted to be together all the time. Unfortunately, this euphoria will wear off and you will have to face the cold reality of the long term relationship or you will break up and hopefully do it all again with someone new. These really are your only options, like it or not. Infatuation does wear off. I'm sorry, but this is a fact. Long term love is completely different from lust-love and that is where the hard work becomes a routine as every imperfection you never saw before in your lust-blinded state starts to grate on you like sand paper. The great sex will become less frequent, bad breath and B.O. will become ever more noticable, the sloppy habits and self doubts will surface, every minor disagreement is a potential battle (not to mention getting old and fat). I cannot tell you enough that this WILL happen, it happens to everybody even if they get a great start.

    If you have major issues from the start then you are in for a world of hurt. Your boyfriend being a JW is a major issue. This JW issue will cause you extra grief every step of the way on top of all the normal problems couples have. Your JW boyfriend is also a problem since he is not even a "good" JW to begin with. This shows a real lack of maturity and self confidence on his part. If he lies to his parents and religious authorities then he will lie to you. If he commited to being a real JW or was commited to being an ex-JW then I might think your chances were better but since you don't have a real burning desire to become a committed JW and he obviously has commitment issues, you will have problems.

    Bringing children into this is a whole other painful subject. Having children with a good relationship is hard enough. Just wait til you get to balance all this with job stress and money problems.

    At this point, he just is not worth it. Young lovers have to make their own mistakes but please think hard about what everyone has said and take advantage of some experiance to save yourself a lot of pain.

  • Maryblondgrl

    Whew...well, this is new for me but here goes. I am an inactive witness married to a nice italian catholic boy. We have been married over 20 years, most of those years I WAS active and most of those years were awful when it came to anything that had to do with religion. Xmas was a terrible time. Between Thanksgiving and New Years I cried almost every day. This last year we actually had an xmas tree for the first time. I've given up and I stopped going to meetings! I watch the world events and live in daily fear that its coming soon and that i'm on the outside and will lose my life and the lives of my family. Does anyone else watch the events that have happened in the last few months and wonder?

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