Run! (sorry couldn't resist)
How to make love & marriage work w/a JW
by StillinLove 70 Replies latest social relationships
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Quirky1
Welcome Stillinlove - There is not much I can say that others haven't. I will tell you it will be a difficult road to travel. If you and your mother were "too" open minded for the Catholics then you sre in for a rude awakening. That is why your boyfreind is small minded. The JW religion controls that portion of their life and their thinking.
Now, you do not mind if your children are witnesses but you want them to experience other cultures, dating and soforth. This may be difficult being in a religion that is very controlling regarding these issues.
This even speaks as far as headship is concerned. As OTWO mentioned, he may be a "strong" JW someday and this will put a bump in the relationship if you are as strongminded as you say you are. Or, if you become a JW and submit to the mind contolled brain washing effects it may not bother you.
You have to think this completely thru yourself. I suggest "Do your research about the religion" before you commit to anything.
Quirky1
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95stormfront
Please dont comment saying to "run" or "get out while I can" thank you Im not new to this, so I can handel it. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we started dating in high school and now I am going to college and he is working. I am 20 and he is 21,
20, 21....Oh the naivete' of those years. How I wish I could live them all over again with the knowledge I have now.
He is a JW, him and his friends had always dated (almost always worldly girls) and hid it from thier parents and their congregation. Thats how he said it always is, the kids just sort of sneek around and have a very good system too.
What a way to live......to subject yourself to being the little piece on the side hidden away from all the important people in his life he would call his "friends".....good enough to get his rocks off into occasionally, but, not quite good enough to be presented with any degree of respect to the more important people in his life.
I'm sorry to be so brusk, but, twenty years from now when you're thinking about what you've written and how this guy is treating you, you're going to kick yourself in the head.
This is the typical "sowing wild oats" game JW males play. They run around using all those "worldly girls" for sexual playthings under the cover of darkness, then when their finally serious, drop them like hot potatoes for that virtuous 17 or 18 year old JW girl whose eye they caught when they're making positional progress in the organization.
What a smooth operator this guy must be.....what did he tell you to convince you to lower your self-respect to such a degree that he can get to have his cake, eat it too, and claim the religious moral high ground that things would be so much better if you'd come around to his way of thinking JW style.
But thats not a big deal b/c he loves me regardless of my beleifs and we're very feisty so we actually have a pretty good time debating our differences.
Marry this guy, wait around till he decides he wants to go full-throttle into the JW lifestyle and watch these "pretty good times" disappear, as more pressure than ever will be applied to you to conform. That's a promise.
So my concerns are; his religousness has made him incredibly small minded in certain ways and I am concerned about how that will affect our ability to raise kids. I am totally fine with them being raised as witnesses because he is an incredible person with strong values from his faith and I am not religous so I know that it is more important to him than me. BUT i do however want my kids to learn about other cultures, make friends with whoever they want, be allowed to date, and not ever be put in a position where they have to lie like he always has. What can i expect from him, and how can I ease the tension?
Just this recognition on your part gives promise that there's hope for you yet.
Let's see......he says he's in love with you while at the same time ashamed to present you as an equal amongst his JW brethren....he's sneaking around with you, going against the counsel he knows of being unevenly yoked. If you've been intimate, he's having sex without the benefit of marriage legally or scripturally, and has been doing this for awhile now, even to the point of you yourself expounding on this great "system" he and his friends have in place of justifying his two-face-ness. This guys whole approach towards you reeks of a selfish person who's "systemized" lying and hypocritical activity to a fine art, justifying it any way he can, and hoodwinking others to follow along as long as it's of benefit to him.
[SARCASM ON]
I AM IN AWE OF THE STRONG VALUES HE'S SHOWING FROM HIS FAITH!!!!!!
[/SARCASM OFF]
If you want your kids to do all those things you say you do, then I'd suggest you worry not so much about what is important to him or yourself, especially in trying to overlook what you're seeing with your own eyes, and concentrate on what's important to them. Marry this guy and as he positions himself for upward mobility within the congregation and WT heirarchy, this tension you're already facing will only increase.
The other issue is that from what I know (which is alot at this point) from him and the watchtower website they are pretty sexist. “My husband exercises his headship in a loving and kind way,” says Susan. “We usually discuss decisions, and when he decides what will or will not be done, I know it is for our benefit. Jehovah’s arrangement for Christian wives really makes me happy" is from the website and pretty much says it all. I am incredibly headstrong and dont give a damn what the bible says because I dont follow it, so I wont be following that model. Problem being: how do I get him to understand that Im not that kind of woman and dont want to be? I want to get him to realize that we need to be able to work together as equals and he needs to back down on that one? He understands my side but says "thats what the bible says so..." so my question is how do i get him to get over that and compermise?
You can see for yourself, even now, that he's trying to impose upon you without compromise his "my biblical authority" game. If you think it's going to get any easier after marriage, children, and his subsequent working for position within the WT, and you're as headstrong as you say you are, you're playing with fire and you're gonna get burnt.
But, you've already stated that you don't want to hear "run" or "get out while you can". So, I guess it's only a matter of time before you're back here with a tale of woe, willing to lend to a future generation the benefit of this particular experience. -
MeneMene
I suggest "Do your research about the religion" before you commit to anything.
That is the most important thing we can tell you. Then make your own decision as to whether you want to be involved with the Watchtower Bible & Tract Society.
Here's a start. http://www.watchtowerdocuments.com/ Make sure you read the Commentary. It is available now for free on the website and is only about 100 pages. Click on the link below the picture on the left side of the screen for the Commentary.
Links for info on the blood issue:
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/16/150613/1.ashx
http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/16/149428/1.ashx
The blood issue is important and could cost you your life as well as the lives of your children.
Please read this and all the other info you can get your hands on so that you truly understand what you are getting yourself into.
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Balsam
Stillinlove,
The blood policy will be a huge problem if you have children. It can be for you too if you ever need it and your husband refuses it for you even though your not a JW. What is his stand on the blood policy?
Ruth
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flipper
STILL IN LOVE- Welcome to the board friend. You certainly do have a dilemma don't you ? Well, all I can say is I was married to a witness woman for 19 years - and nothing I did in the way of being nice, normal, or polite was ever enough for her. Witnesses are trained to judge you and have an opinion on you - based only on what they are told by the Watchtower society , not the Bible. It is a "patriarchal" system they believe in - and you are right the men are told to be " heads " of their family - so if you are an independent woman , that will not set well with you . Your husband will be trained by the Witnesses to not treat you as equal, but inferior , especially mentally. It is how they roll.
For the sake of any future children you would have with this man - Be informed that at their Service Meeting in September of 2007 , they were told to ONLY READ the Watchtower societies publications when doing research on things important to them . So this might explain why you have good reason to see your boyfriend is " narrow minded". They aren't allowed outside research other than the witness info ! So- you can see you won't get any input from him if you want to raise your children with cultural experiences and be learning about different cultures.
So- these are a few things to consider. As you stated , it certainly is your choice to pursue a long term with him- but I guarantee you - you will be forced to make more sacrifices for him , than he will be willing to make for you. The Jehovah's Witness religion is one that traps, imprisons, and controls it's members from outside influences - even their non-believing wives or husbands. So think carefully about your decisions friend, we are always here on the board if you want to vent or talk ! Peace out, Mr. Flipper -
VoidEater
There are no "strong" open-minded, compromising JWs. If they are open-minded, or compromising, they are breaking their faith.
Or does he just call himself a JW for the sake of family?
There are also those JWs that are good people...but that also dismiss much of the dogma as silly. Maybe they are "weak" JWs.
JG being one of the stellar exceptions to oil and water not mixing (she is also wise, caring and good), there is little hope that you will have a smooth marriage unless you convert, or he unconverts. Your mileage could vary - but I've seen the ashes of these relationships too often. The attempted suicide of a cousin comes to mind.
so my question is how do i get him to get over that and compermise?
Couples counseling, BEFORE the wedding. Write out a contract of how your kids will be raised, what he will do to become more balanced, what you will do to appease him. And be prepared that his view of God's will may trump that at any time.
Other than that, I'm sorry to say that your query is along the lines of, "How can I have a safe relationship with a poisonous snake, without removing it's poison?" Do the homework up front, or be constantly vigilent and always prepared for a fight.
Just my experience...
The only other comments - Welcome to the Board!
And...I am confused why you find his strong morals so inviting - isn't he breaking those morals to date you?
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Awakened at Gilead
Hi Still in ,
I am a xJW married to a JW wife (14 years) and some days it seems like we will make it and some days it doesn't...
That being said, my main concern is that this guy is a liar... he's not even an honest JW. If he lies to his family, lies to his friends, lies to his religion, and lies to you (yes he lies to you), how can you trust him. And according to official JW belief, he doesn't stand a chance to get to paradise since they teach that any who commit fornication are destined for the lake of fire... not paradise on earth.
Please wake up and see this guy for the pathological liar that he is.
You may be now but that's better than being with a bunch of kids and more problems to boot.
IMHO
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4mylove
I wish you all the luck, you will need it. May will be my 3rd year anniversary to my inactive JW hubby. Even though he is inactive, the indoctrination runs deep for years. Tread very lightly, you will have to. I'm very open minded, which is probably what got me in this situation in the first place. My husband is worth the struggle, but, I would never want a family member to go through the fear of losing their loved one on a daily basis.
PLEASE sit down, talk it out, and ask him to be blatently honest as to what your relationship would truly be after marriage.
DO NOT BECOME YET ANOTHER SLAVE TO THIS CULT!!!!!
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jgnat
After a little think, I've come up with an analogy to your request. It's like you've asked a bunch of cooks for a cake recipe without flour. And you've pre-warned us that you won't take "no" for an answer. You want you cake, and you want it the way you want it. Very well. You do have some options. Here are a couple, and they are quite yummy.
http://www.barry-callebaut.com/2274
BUT if you then asked if you could have your cake without flour but you want it to be as light and fluffy as your mommy used to make, I'd say no. There are limits on what you can produce with your ingredients.