3 a.m. - my wife is in tears! What do I do?

by The Scotsman 63 Replies latest jw friends

  • carla

    You have a chance to keep her out of the hell and you wonder what you should do? are you kidding? She is upset, and? Your point? She is going to be upset and she will get over it in time. Why help her in any way attend a dangerous deadly cult that protects pedophiles?

    In the meantime, when she is too afraid to go to a place that boasts of all this brotherly/sisterly love where everybody is the same and welcome, you need to fill that time with 'couple' time. Show her how fun and intimate your life can be when the two of you actually have time to conscentrate on each other. Bring her flowers, romance her, go for walks, movies, coffee, go see what the community has to offer, join a once a month dinner club, etc... Keep her so busy she will forget how many meetings she has missed. Start being friendly to strangers you meet in the park and have small talk and find out all the interesting people in the world who are happy, fulfilled and yes, even Godly and moral people who are not jw's. If she decides to go anyway at some point you should still continue to try to do things and make friendships outside of dubs, you will need them someday.

    Or you could just say what my jw said everytime we had a tearful jw fight when he was first joining, 'I'm sorry you feel that way' and continue on with whatever it is you were doing and hope it goes away. (hint- it doesn't)

  • Wasanelder Once
    Wasanelder Once

    It's up to you, but I would take her shopping instead. Or go have breakfast Sunday morning and talk about something upbuilding. I would never step foot in that hall, it will just open the floodgates of annoyance. She may just be looking for support in not going... without admitting its bogus. Who knows? You're there and we're here. Good luck. W.Once

  • Nowman

    In response to MidwichCuckoo note to me...

    I am married and know about the needs of 2 people, and I wanted to put my 2 cents in period. I spoke in my post about Scotsman standing up for what is right, and that time will tell what the final outcome would be. Just because you know of (and you were apart of emotional blackmail) people in similiar sitation, does not make you an expert. Based on what you posted, you are assuming that things will work out the same way. In my humble opionion, I think its too soon to go the route that he will be blackmailed. Think about his wife who still has the JW mind set, we all did at one point. I am sure it is very difficult for her, but I would not tell Scotsman to give up, not without a fight!!!!

    I looked at my post again, don't know why you felt the need to make a point with me, just trying offer some encouragement, in my post, I never suggested he go to the meeting with her and give in??? I do not know the history of his situation, but I do understand the way he is feeling, therefore I offered encouragement period.

    Scotsman, this thread is for you, hope you find encouragement.


  • The Scotsman
    The Scotsman


    I have found the responses encouraging = thanks.

    Look everyone has an opinion, we all handle things differently - with varying success.

    I must admit that using the situation to edge her out the meetings feels a bit sneaky, even morally questionable, but then again, is it not a mind control cult!!

    Surely the end result would be better.

    Its a tricky situation, we have been married nearly 10 years both born in the truth - I will discuss it in depth with her tonight.

  • Nowman


    I understand and agree we all are entitled to our opinion. Hang in there, whatever you decide will be what is best for you, even if it takes time.

    Best wishes to you!


  • OnTheWayOut
    Scotsman is NOT forbidding his wife attending (her need), but SHE (like all JWs) is blind to her husbands needs, and I believe if he started going, she'd be quite happy seeing him miserable as long as he 'played the part' (and she'd cry each time he tried to stop going, making his fade stressful and painful).

    It may not have been said smoothly, but that's my take. I have to lean toward MidwichCuckoo's answers.

    Don't "stand your ground" like it's a battle, though. Just carefully explain why now is a good time for you
    to stop going.

    "Honey, it's a new hall. I don't have the desire to go, and I don't have to explain myself to our old friends.
    It's just a good time to stop altogether. I cannot go just to help you adjust."

    It will be difficult for her no matter what. But she needs to respect your decision to stop attending.
    I agree to give her alternatives- shopping, breakfast, walks, museum, anything to make her feel less guilty
    about not going- if that's her decision.

    It sounds like she only goes to feel less guilty about not doing more. If she receives no joy from going alone,
    it outweighs her guilt. That's a good thing. After she decides, respect her decision so that she can respect yours.

  • AK - Jeff
    AK - Jeff

    How old is your wife, if I might ask? And how long have you both been in the 'truth'?

    The reason I ask is this: Every Jw carries 'baggage' that builds up over time - acts of unkindness, little doubts in the back of the mind, confusion about the changing doctrines and chronology. I call some of the 'watershed moments' - things that stick in your mind, that had you been rational and not under constant pressure to conform - would have caused you to leave much earlier. Though on the surface she seems upset by your exit, and struggling to find her way, could it be that she too sees that something is wrong and wants to find a way out?

    I would say that the time has come for that open, 'let me tell you all the details of why I had to leave' talk. OR, just depending on her emotional makeup, and you know that best, just hand her CoC [or I think even better ISoCF, especially at the time of exit when one is thinking that he/she wants to 'remain Christian'], tell her that you will support her decision - to go or not to go - including attending for a while if need be - once she reads the book and understands your perspective more clearly.

    That demonstration, that you are willing to show her support once a fair investigation by her determines her educated choice, might cement the relationship. She would hopefully see that you are a reasonable and loving husband, whether of not she is a Jw.

    Job 1 is securing your life partner. She must understand that you are principle driven, and that principles drive your actions about her and about the religion. Her foundation-stone, you, feels shaky to her right now. She does not know what to make of it all. Good luck.


  • LouBelle

    Whatever you do you reassure her that you love her (which I'm sure you do) Then no more signals, us humans will more than likely misread/misinterperate them, so clear communication is needed. Perhaps also put all the doubts (with scriptual backing if you can to "sell" it) and give it to her to read ( I suggest this because then it's from you and not some apostate that left years ago and is bitter) And then ask her if she really wants to go back...

    If she does, respect that, perhaps attend with her so she feels confident enough to make friends on her own - it's the loving thing to do.

    I hope it works out for you.

  • AgentSmith

    Scotsman, this is a difficult situation for sure!

    I thought I had some sterling advice, but no, got nothing. Whatever you decide, make sure that your wife understands that you support her, if she goes to the KH or not.

    Try and introduce her to a new set of people, go bowling together, cycling with a club or something similar. This is not unusual to feel obligated to go the meetings, even if you KNOW it's a load of nonsense.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.

    Agent Smith

  • Satanus

    I'm a softy, i guess. I would suggest going w her to meetings for a little while. It makes her feel better, and it makes you look like a guy who cares for her, even though you don't agree. It would be good for your relationship, imo. Just tell her that it's only a few meetings, to emotionally support her. After a while, she may see who her real friend(s) is(are). My opinion.


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