3 a.m. - my wife is in tears! What do I do?

by The Scotsman 63 Replies latest jw friends

  • FlyingHighNow

    I haven't read the previous replies. I will say that your wife cannot possibly understand your feelings. If I were in her shoes, knowing what I know now, I would want you to stand your ground. And you could be encouraging her to cry in response to her feelings of sadness, in the future, over the changes. And if you she knows the tears will affect you, she might not be moved to try to grow stronger.

    Changes in life are inevitable. They aren't always easy. There are often growing pains with change and then hopefully some growth rwill be a result. I know that no matter how much someone would cry for me to attend meetings, I could not go again. My sister has cried over me not attending. I will not be influenced by her tears. I can offer comfort. But my feelings count, too.

    Be loving to her. Be supportive in other ways. But if it's really important to you not to attend meetings. You want to make a clean break? Why let these local JW's get to know you? Don't let them invest any feeling or time or worry in you. Just be that inactive husband that they rarley see. Then you can attend get togethers with her or an occasional convention, etc. and people will be encouraged to see you. But if you start going and then fade, they will think worse of you.

  • Justitia Themis
    Justitia Themis

    Perhaps "helping" her would be unkind?

    How to make sure the butterfly cannot fly When the butterfly is ready, it starts to break through the cocoon. First a hole appears. Then the butterfly struggles to come out through the hole. This can take a few hours.

    If you try to "help" the butterfly by cutting the cocoon, the butterfly will come out easily but it will never fly. Your "help" has destroyed the butterfly.

    The butterfly can fly because it has to struggle to come out. The pushing forces lots of enzymes from the body to the wing tips. This strengthens the muscles, and reduces the body weight. In this way, the butterfly will be able to fly the moment it comes out of the cocoon. Otherwise it will simply fall to the ground, crawl around with a swollen body and shrunken wings, and soon die.

    If the butterfly is not left to struggle to come out of the cocoon, it will never fly.We can learn an important lesson from the butterfly.

    If we do not have struggles and challenges in our work, we will never grow strong and capable. If life has no difficulties, we will become weak and helpless.

    Lim Siong GuanHead, Civil Service


  • BabaYaga

    Justicia... that is perfectly gorgeous. I will remember that and quote it.

    Scotsman... I am so sorry for your pain. I am sorry for your wife's, too, but frankly it sounds encouraging to me. I think she is protesting loudest now that she has doubts of her own... this is to be expected. The flame glows brightest right before it extinguishes!

    DO NOT go with her to ANY meeting, EVER again. That gives her false hope and causes more damage in the long run. It also introduces you to the new congregation, which is a HUGE NO NO if you are trying to peacefully and quietly FADE!!!!!

    All the best to the both of you,

  • tijkmo

    why not do what you would do in any given situation that is likely to cause her stress..

    and do what you would like her to do in any situation that is likely to cause you stress

  • mouthy

    What do you think???

    I would not go with her. I would say "I love you with all my heart. But I just cannot go to a place they say is worshipping God, when In my heart I know it isnt .... We are taking orders from the Bethelites..... "She has to know the truth about your feelings. Good luck.

  • Honesty
    My wife says this - "At this point I just want to pack it all in, I cant bare going on my own. It is easier not to attend".

    Think up some FUN THINGS to do together.

    Do fun things together...

    Before meetings

    During meetings

    Pretty soon she will realise that doing fun things TOGETHER beats going to the kingdom hall ALONE.

  • AGuest

    May you have peace. Truly.

    Your a facing a dilemna that we all face at some point or another: do I do/say what is right... or do I do/say... what is TRUE? It would be right for you to help your wife get settled in so that she is no longer afraid (socially) because of your affection for her. What you would have to determine is whether that rightness outweighs YOUR truthfulness... whether affection trumps love... and which one she really needs... and wants from you.

    You can find that out... by simply asking her. Kindly, lovingly. And by being open and honest with her. Do not ridicule her beliefs, but do be candid... and gentle... with her about yours. And remind her that if you truly love her... you cannot/will not lie to her... and if she truly loved you... she would not ask you to.

    So that even if you do decide the accompany her it (which you certainly can) she will know that it is for her... because she needs that from you and because you have affection for her, you will do it... but not because you want to or think you should for yourself. Which you are truthfully telling her... because you LOVE her.

    I bid you and her the greatest of peace.

    Your servant and a slave of Christ,


  • worldtraveller

    Sounds like it's time for a good old fashioned Scottish brew. My mom was born in Aberdeen in the 30's I believe. I would like to trace her steps as a child there. Maybe if you live, or travel there, I would like you to describe life there.

    As far as your wife, I hope you have the patience to work it out. Seems like a self esteem issue along with an inaccurate understanding of Jesus. Give her all the support you can muster.

  • Gordy

    I feel for you Scotsman.

    A great dilemma

    You love your wife that you don't want to see her the way she is.

    That you can go sometimes to KH with her, to help her settle in the new congregation. But what will happen when they start to realise that her husband is an "apostate" will they not back off from her. She will not get any visitors, she will not be invited to others homes. At the KH she may find herself sidelined from conversations. Then she may blame you for the situation.

    Or if you do decided not to go to KH with her and she decides because of that she will not go either. In that case show her what life is like away from the KH that there is more to life than attending meetings three times a week and trying to do so many hours knocking on doors.

    Go for days out, go places, concerts, cinema, etc. Fill the time she would have been doing as a JW with other things to do.

    Maybe gradually she will realise that there is another life to live.

  • dogisgod

    Your wife could benefit from some counseling with a neutral person...even couples counseling. No matter how much you love someone you are not "responsible" for their happiness or choices. Be very kind and non-resistant....In a tug-of-war all you have to do is let go of the rope to stop the struggle. Your contentment in your decision to leave and your example of well being will be the biggest influence on her. She really seems in crisis, possibly because as a JW you have no indentity of your own. If your husband is an elder you are the wife of an elder. For whatever reason if he steps down you have lost "statis". Then if he leaves the borg you feel that you are afloat in a big nasty sea...especially if you've changed congs. She is afraid. She morns the past, fears the future and cannot live in the now because she is compulsive about her percieved loss and fears. Just love her and let her find her path.

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