3 a.m. - my wife is in tears! What do I do?

by The Scotsman 63 Replies latest jw friends

  • The Scotsman
    The Scotsman

    Well my situation has developed a bit, any advice appreciated.

    Their has been a gradual building up of pressure ever since I stood down as an elder about 6 months ago.
    I have been telling my wife about my doubts but have continued to attend "some" meetings.
    As time has progressed I have become more open with my criticism of the org.

    I mentioned the UN scandal, molestation trials, false prophecy ect etc.
    Interestingly she does not deny these facts and yet still wants to continue as a JW.
    I told her that God is not happy with people knowingly being part of a false prophet (Deut 18 - etc) - starting to lay the groundwork for my exit.
    She appreciates the difficult situation doubters are in - they cannot openly express their feelings for fear of JCs.

    Anyway, a few weeks ago we moved house which meant changing congregation.
    But I felt it would be best if I did not attend meetings " at all" at the new cong so my fade could be easier.

    But I could not have predicted my wifes response - when I told her it was an explosion of emotion, I mean real heartbreaker stuff.
    She seems depressed at the prospect, perhaps the reality is finally hitting home.

    Last night, about 3a.m. I noticed that she was not in bed. I went downstairs and she was sobbing away to herself.
    "I can't go to that hall myself!" she said. "I do not know anyone!".

    This of course cuts to the heart of me - you see my wife is a wonderful loving person but, not the most confident. Making new friends is a challenge for her.
    So the prospect of going to a new hall is alot for her to bear on her own.
    The reason I was a bit surprised by her reaction is that I had sent out so many signals to let her know I was planning to exit, but they must have got lost in translation, she missed the point.

    So back to 3 a.m. - My wife says this - "At this point I just want to pack it all in, I cant bare going on my own. It is easier not to attend".

    So you see my problem - the way I see it I have 2 choices...

    1. Attend meetings for a while until she feels settled in the cong.
    2. Stand my ground and hopefully she would stop attending even though it is causing strain / emotionional problems.

    This morning she seems a lot better but I need to decide how to react to this.

    What do you think???

    The Scotsman

  • Sirona


    I would suggest talking to her in depth and restating your feelings very clearly.

    You might come to an agreement with her that you do attend for a while, just to help her, but at least she won't be under any illusions that you'll always attend. Tell her your intention of stopping attending and tell her exactly why.

    I can understand her feelings of abandonment because you've only just moved and its a big deal to start up in a new congregation. She needs your support.

    In my opinion I don't think its a good idea to "force" her to stop attending by not helping her. I think this would produce resentment in her and problems in the relationship. She wouldn't know what to do with herself or how to behave without attending. She needs to reach the decision herself.

    Good luck


  • MidwichCuckoo

    This is going to sound harsh, but if I would 'stick my ground' and refuse to go. If she's crying because she doesn't know anyone, then tough...they're her 'brothers and sisters', the 'Happiest people on Earth' etc, etc....if she's frightened of her 'own', she's going to be in real trouble under 'persecution'. Nothing to do with 'confidence'...all she needs to do is pray to 'Jehovah' for help, YOU'RE not stopping her attending.

    If you attend now, you'll see her smile and confident, THEN you won't be able to stop attending.

  • Eyes Open
    Eyes Open

    2, and try and go somewhere else with her to make friends. But I, of course, don't know the situation well. All the best.

  • MidwichCuckoo
    In my opinion I don't think its a good idea to "force" her to stop attending by not helping her.

    Sirona, while I agree in principal I do feel that the majority of JWs NEED some sort of emotional crutch. If she said ''I can't attend meetings because Mr Scotsman won't come with me'' then it's a joke. He isn't physically stopping her, he's made HIS choice, not hers. JWs believe that the World should make allowances for them (especially in divided families, it's ALWAYS the wishes/beliefs of the JWs that can't be offended). Does she care about Scotsman's beliefs?...nope, we all know that JWs have ZERO respect for others' beliefs...maybe if she does manage to go alone, she'll see JUST how loving they are if she hasn't a husband in tow.

  • Pubsinger
    So back to 3 a.m. - My wife says this - "At this point I just want to pack it all in, I cant bare going on my own. It is easier not to attend".

    What a great idea!

    A thought worth nurturing . . .

    I'm sure that a couple of months of that and a new routine of a nice lay in (don't know if you have kids!) on a Sunday morning and then Sunday lunch out or at home, followed by a nice walk etc etc and the thought of going back doesn't seem so attractive - especially if your life remains/becomes full of purpose.

  • Mrs Smith
    Mrs Smith

    I'm so sorry that you find yourself so torn once again betwen JWs and your family. Communication is still the best tool in a marriage, talk to her and reasure her of your love.

  • The Scotsman
    The Scotsman

    Midwichcuckoo -

    You said this - If you attend now, you'll see her smile and confident, THEN you won't be able to stop attending.

    This is my greatest fear. That by attending under these circumstances it could become deeply complicated.

    She has much respect for me in my position and as I said not entirely un-sympathetic. She appreciates that I have good motives in deciding to exit.

    We do not have kids - if not for the truth we would have had at least 2 - but thats another story!

  • Nowman


    Your wife is going through a difficult time as you know. I do not know your history, but if you stepped down from being an elder 6 months ago, its still pretty new and heartbreaking for your wife. As as we know from our experience, it can be hard on a marriage when something like this happens. It doesn't make it right, but your wife has not come to her senses yet about the org, perhaps she might never.

    Only time will tell what the final outcome will be. You will need more time to support her and stand your ground, no matter what! Just like she will hopefully stand up for what is right, you will stand up for what is right too! It will continue to be tough, no doubt about it.


  • MidwichCuckoo

    Scotsman - I have seen too many people emotionally blackmailed into attending (myself included). Neither the blackmailers NOR the WT care whether or not you believe, as long as you act the part.

    Nowman - yes, it is difficult on Mrs Scotsman right now, but marriage is about the needs of TWO people. Scotsman is NOT forbidding his wife attending (her need), but SHE (like all JWs) is blind to her husbands needs, and I believe if he started going, she'd be quite happy seeing him miserable as long as he 'played the part' (and she'd cry each time he tried to stop going, making his fade stressful and painful).

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