3 a.m. - my wife is in tears! What do I do?

by The Scotsman 63 Replies latest jw friends

  • anewme

    A lot of people attend the meetings by themselves.
    Believe me, if your wife is shy to attend by herself but misses the meetings enough, she will find a way to get there and attend and she will make the adjustment.

    She is crying for the loss of the familiar. That is natural. This change is calling on her to make new friends and show her loyalty to the religion. This is a test of her faith in the whole thing.

    She may decide her faith is not that strong in her life and quit the effort to go. She may go for a while and decide the same thing.

    I say, stick to your plan and do not go to the meetings in your new town and let her decide if she wants to start up the whole obligatory slavedom life style again.

    You could point out that it might be nice to take a Spring break from the meetings to get the new house and garden in shape and spend time together before she must re-join the Ministry School and go out in service on the weekends and attend the meetings by herself.

    You might also be wise to check out some local groups, clubs and associations in your community that the two of you could become involved with. My husband and I found a coffee shop which on Friday eves hosts live acoustic players and singers. We now have made some local friends through that group.

    Having replacement friends helps alot to get over the loss of old JW friends.

    work out a new arrangement peaceably and lovingly.


  • Plummet

    If possible, I would go to a nice, cozy bed & breakfast inn somewhere nearby Saturday Night. Spend the day together doing some activity, shopping, a walk in the park something. Nice, small weekend getaways are perfect for breaking a meeting rut. Camping worked great for us, if your into that. Theocratic Ministry School Nights are perfect nights for a Movie or night out on the town.

  • Gregor

    Tough situation but I agree that you would just be prolonging the agony if you started attending with her. Have you moved too far away for her to make an occasional visit to the old congregation? When I left I made no attempt to stop my wife from attending but she fairly quickly got used to it and shortly after she also quit. I only talked about my reasons when she wanted to listen. Best wishes for a resolution.


  • scotsman

    Yup, it's a deeply unpleasant position, but going would draw out that unpleasantness over a prolonged period, and do worse to your wife's moral/esteem.

  • Layla33

    Sometimes tears and conflict are necessary things in terms of growing as people. I am a firm believer in the conflict theory when it comes to personal growth and group dynamics.

    I think you can love her and show her love and help her to understand your path for individuality and how important it is to live as you think. Through this process a newfound identity for not only you, but your wife can occur. My hurt goes out to you, it's painful, but I think totally necessary.

  • misanthropic

    I know what I would do but you have to do what is right for you. Please let us know what you decide and how it goes. Best of luck.

  • aSphereisnotaCircle

    Shes crying because she can't go alone?

    Sounds to me that maybe she is ready to give it up too, but is still battling with some cult indoctrination.

    My husband left about three months before i did. When he left i went into super dub overdrive. I got busy with all kinds of theocratic activities. Anything to quite those nagging voices in my head!

    I got love-bonbed at the hall, for the first time in my life. It felt wonderful for about five minutes, and then it disgusted me. All I could see was the hypocrisy. I tried so hard to keep believing, but I just couldn't.

    From what you said, i get the impression that your wife is in the same place I was.

  • The Scotsman
    The Scotsman

    Once again - thanks for all the advice.

    It appears that our situation is far from unique. My wife may well have niggling doubts but has not verbalised them as yet.

    She said something to me last night that was so familiar to how I felt 6 months ago.

    She said "I feel lost".

    Queue the Michael Buble song.........

  • Quirky1

    Scottsman, I feel for you. What I am about to post probably has already been said by others and they all share some good advice but about two months ago I was in a similar situation but in my case we didn't move. The advise I give is as such.

    Give her time. This will allow her healing process to begin. She is still in the mindset of "Everlasting Life" and she wants you to be there with her. I am sure this is very upsetting to her emotionally knowing that you may not be there in the "New World".

    You not attending the meetings is a "stick to your guns" decision. You do not want the plague of guilt being thown in your face about "Not" being there with her. I am sure this is also another emotional upset especially if you two done everything together. She will eventually not bring it up. But, encourage her to go to the meetings. Also, you do not want the other Jdubs interfering with your fade. Even if you no longer attend and you don't interfere with her spiritual routine there is nothing they can do.

    I do suggest reading "Crisis of Conscience" if you haven't already and try to get her to read it pr read it together; either way she will probably refuse if she is a "Die Hard Jdub" but have it around just in case. I already had my doubts about the Borg but this just confirmed it.

    It is a difficult road and there are a lot more bumps in it. So, hang on, it won't be easy! Your wife will have many more emotional ups and downs, I know, I've been there.

    I am still hanging it out and only time will tell where it will go.

    I hope you the best and please let me know how it is working.



  • boyzone

    I can really relate to how your wife must be feeling! I shed a few tears in the early hours too.

    My husband left 2 years before I did. He just woke up one sunday morning and said "the truth is a pile of $hit, I'm not going anymore". At the time I was really upset. We had 4 kids and I felt totally abandoned.

    Lets face it, the truth is hard work whether you're bringing up kids or not. To have someone who can gee you along when it gets a bit crappy really helps. Not only did I have to face being on my own but I had to deal with the emotion of thinking that the man I love was now destined to die at armageddon (which was any day now)

    Sure I had lots of platitudes and sympathy at the hall but the feeling of resentment at being abandoned was very strong for quite a while. Our relationship was strained to say the least.

    What helped us get back on track was hubbie not pressuring me. He could've put loads of anti JW literature in front of me but he didn't as he knew I would just get defensive. Instead he concentrated on making our lives special in other ways. Like bringing home surprise theatre tickets (which happened to be on a meeting night) and spending time organizing short breaks away etc.

    In my own time I started to examine the "truth" for myself and disassociated 1 year ago. I must emphasise in my own time, that was the key to us now being VERY happy and me being totally 100% sure of my decision to leave.

    So I don't know if my experience will help you. But one thing that I must say, Ever since that Sunday morning when he announced that he wasn't going anymore, he has NEVER set foot inside the kingdom hall since, not even to please me. No memorial, nothing. He was that certain it was wrong. And even though I put quite a bit of emotional pressure on him to keep going, I secretly admired his total firm resolve in this. I think if he had been half hearted it would have taken a lot longer for me to be brave enough to leave.

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