3 a.m. - my wife is in tears! What do I do?

by The Scotsman 63 Replies latest jw friends

  • yknot

    Perhaps this would be a good time to suggest re-reading the Bible as a couple without WT pubs.

    That way there is still spirituality and seeking. She will see you are trying, women like to help if you ask. I don't think it is possible to read the Bible and not see where the WTS has overstepped the boundaries. Attempt to spend about a year doing so.

    I agree with other posters about replacing meetings with positive social activities.

    If this doesn't work then being that my husband was patient for 12 years with my JWself, I do see compromise as a viable alternative as long as respect is given and gotten. You could go two weeks a month and she could not go two weeks a month.

  • jefferywhat

    Mate, thats heavy.

    I think you will find that alot of the emotion is based on the "hope" you once both shared.

    You not believing in the org anymore also includes the hope asserted by the org which is living forever on earth.

    Whist the reality is the org is flawed, we are taught its meant to be and that it doesnt change the hope and Jehovahs approval.

    She is grieving now.

  • carla

    I agree, reading the bible may ease her mind (you are not turning into a satanist) however, not the NWT! you want to attempt to open her eyes and jw's always claim all scripture is beneficial so she can't complain. Maybe you need to make an agreement to begin though. You could begin at the begining of the New Test. and read all the way through like a novel, possibly taking turns reading a chapter, put a chapter limit on each time you do this or time limit. Secondly agree to absolutely no discussion!!! not one word, just read together and let it soak in. Otherwise it will just turn into a fight each time (you see the problems with jw scripture twisting and her mind will be trying to defend what she can plainly see as wrong doctrine on the jw side). Possibly keep notes or questions to ask when the entire NT has been read? (hoping by that time she will see for herself)

  • The Scotsman
    The Scotsman

    AK Jeff -

    You asked - How old is your wife, if I might ask? And how long have you both been in the 'truth'?

    My wife is 41, born in the borg.

    She is not without her gripes about the truth - she has had a few run ins with a few publishers through the years.

    To everyone else - thanks for all the advice - I will keep you posted.

    The Scotsman

  • justhuman

    I can feel you dude...I had the same situations. The only thing is that I was reported to the elders for having apostate ideas from my wife...

    I got way with it 8 years ago, but before 2 years she reported me again for apostasy. That was the end. I didn't wanted to continue being part of a circus made in USA so I was disfellowshiped for apostasy, and left home because there was no way to live with a person that loves the Organization more than me...

    I don't know how your wife feels about the Org but if she loves the Org more than you she will turn you for apostasy. This is the sad world of the JW'S my friend. We don't own nothing there. The Org owns our children our wife and everything...that is really sad

  • Doubting Bro
    Doubting Bro

    I recall when I first awakened to the fact that the WTS is not God's organization, I was quite depressed. Scotsman, you said that she has doubts? Perhaps she is greiving the loss of the illusion that that WTS is God's organization? If she's not comfortable going to the meetings without you, it seems that she really doesn't believe. I've read this thread with interest since I'm in a similar position (wife in, me a former elder who doesn't believe anymore). No kids makes it easier I think because if you had children, she would be able to try to use them to keep you going to help during the meeting.

    Its a tough call, but it seems since you're in a new place and were already well on your way to fading, it would be the ideal time to fade. Like others have pointed out, once you start at the new place, it will be difficult to fade. Especially if the BOE realizes you were an elder 6 months ago. If you never go, they will completely write you off immediately. If you go, they will have an obligation to "shepard" you.

    One question, who really wanted to move? If it was you, she could say that you moved her to draw her from the truth.

  • Meeting Junkie No More
    Meeting Junkie No More


    This is the best of all situations, imho! Any reason not to attend meetings is a GOOD ONE...because the 5 meeting a week schedule is a 'brainwash, rinse, repeat' cycle that needs to be kept up to be effective. The more meetings in a row that are missed the greater the chance that the 'spell' will be broken and true intellectual clarity will set in. I first missed occasional meetings, but then due to sheer physical exhaustion found myself missing more and more. Once that happens, and you realize no one at the hall actually gives a rat's patootie about whether you are even there, you find less and less reasons to make all the effort of getting yourself ready, doing the 'drive' to the hall and sitting there during the mindlessly boring routine. And then, when you finally do actually go, after weeks away, you can see right through all the drivel, and actually HEAR the brainwashing mantras for what they are, DO MORE, GIVE MORE, blah, blah, blah.

    I would tell her you will eventually go with her, but while you're 'between congregations' as it were, you'd like to actually DO something different for a Sunday or two (with her) and take it from there. I can assure you that time spent anywhere else on a Sunday without the wrath of God thundering out of the sky will be an eye-opener for her and she might actually LIKE IT! Eventually, when you sheepishly suggest that maybe it might be time to go to the hall, she may be the one to say, 'nah, let's skip it again!' ALL THE BEST!

  • Bumble Bee
    Bumble Bee

    I feel for you, I really do, you are in a tough situation. I found out the "truth about the truth" way before my husband. When I stopped attending meetings, he stopped as well because he didn't want to go alone. I tried and tried until I was blue in the face to tell him things, and he'd always tune me out (story of our marriage really). I knew the guilt of not going was eating away at him, and talked to him about it once and said I'd attend some meetings with him (the talk on Sunday, maybe the bookstudy), but also pointed out that he is an adult, he knew when and where the meetings were, that I in no way ever prevented him from going. That was the last time it was brought up, he never asked me to go and he never attended either.

    The guilt still tore him up though, until I finally took drastic measures and introduced him to a fellow JWD'er to get him to think, because he wasn't listening to me. He's now out, but has other issues he's dealing with because of his time in the cult.

    You have to tread carefully for your wifes mental health, but you also have to take care of YOU and your needs. Since you've moved, you need to make some new friends in the area anyways, try and make some new friends in the area BEFORE she starts attending the new hall, if at all possible. Take things slow, keep the lines of communication open, that is a MUST, make sure she knows your feelings and position.

    Ultimately, the decision to go by herself is up to your wife. If she really, in her heart, thought this was the "truth", going without you wouldn't be a concern, IMO.


  • AuldSoul


    I have been out for two years and a little more. My wife remains a JW. On May 24 we will have been married 10 years. This past Sunday, she went to the meeting. The Sunday prior, we got up and she said, "I think I want to go to Hershey Park today." That's a local amusement park. I said, "Okay. We could do a picnic lunch and a movie after, if you like." She said that would be nice.

    We enjoyed a beautiful day with beautiful weather together as a couple. Days she goes to the meeting, she gets no comments from me about it. Days when she doesn't go, she gets no comments from me about it. I actively make her religious choices a non-issue in our marriage. JWs want the religion to be ever so very important, just as the Jews in Jesus' day thought of themselves as ever so important on the world scene. Demonstrating, through nonchalance, how utterly meaningless and unimportant the religion is may be all she needs.


  • skeeter1

    Perhaps she stayed "in" the organization becuase it was her social network.

    If she went to the meetings, she gets easy acceptance as she's love bombed by the new hall. It's not much work to have the "best Friends" in the whole world.

    So, not going to the meetings is a scary proposition for your wife. She loses her social network. She has to work at finding & keeping new friends.

    That's a daunting task for anyone who lacks self confidence.

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